.learning to need Him.

.more on haiti.

2012-02-08T11:27:00.001-08:00

my heart is continually being broken because things like poverty, hunger, malnutrition, illness and violence. as i learn people's stories and see their day to day lives in places where hope seems a scarce commodity, i am changed. i posted today for work on how haiti is continuing to change me.

click here to read it

teenagers

2012-01-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

i LOVE teenagers. if you know me, you know this is true. my biggest gripe about this generation of teens?

this. right. here...

"im tryna go to hati wit u doe to be one hunnit at least once dis summer"

REALLY?!?!?! come on people. college admissions offices, do students a favor - please don't accept this.

love you guys, mean it. but pay attention in english class :)

.unexpected christmas.

2011-12-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

this year has brought so many unexpected things - the biggest blessing of them all? my man... he's incredible and has been such a gift - one that i'm willing to sacrifice much for.

this year, we were at risk of having to sacrifice christmas in texas. GASP!!!! this guy i love, he's in the medical field - often those dedicated, healing people don't get time off of work for christmas. our expectation and plan was that he and i would have a quiet christmas on the central coast of california because he'd have just started a new job.

no job yet... the blessing in disguise is that we got to come home for christmas!!! this would have been the first year i've not been in texas with my family and i was feeling a little blue about it, but grateful to be with my man. instead, we're home :)

christmas is new this year - for both of us:

it's jarred's first bouma ugly sweater party!!!
- nasty ugly sweaters, hair & makeup

- lots of good cheer
- pictionary (gerrit made a snowman!)

- LOADS of crazy people celebrating - welcome to our Dutch chaos, babe!

and my first minefee christmas
- snow in west texas

- christmas cookies with mom minefee & jarred

- this sweet little girl that we can't wait to get out to california :)

- waiting out the birth of jarred's niece - charley cate minefee - any day now!

new families are so much fun. if you told me last year that this next christmas would be spent in midland, texas with the family of my new man, i'd have laughed... much like zechariah and abraham & sarah laughed at their unexpected gifts. God is so good, ridiculously faithful and always right on time.

i'm so grateful for my unexpected Christmas both in texas and with this guy. (we only sent ONE christmas card, if you live in lima, peru - you got lucky!)

.my best friend.

2011-11-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

here are the reasons why my boyfriend is my best friend:

(side note: i am currently sick with a stomach flu)

- he stayed by my side until midnight making sure i had everything i needed

- he called the airlines to cancel our flights we were supposed to be on today and pleaded with them to waive the change fee because i was so sick (this may or may not happen, jury is still out)

- he showed up at my flu-infested house at 8:30, got me a fresh glass of water and asked if i wanted any food

- he did the laundry and went and bought groceries for this weekend including chicken noodle soup, saltines & sprite

- he kisses my bacteria-infested body on the forehead every time he leaves the house... just because he loves me.

here's to you babe... your the best best friend/boyfriend i could ever ask for. i love you and i'll pray for you to not catch this mess.

.cruise control.

2011-10-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

i set my cruise control whenever i drive on the freeway... except in LA because if you set your cruise control you'd get killed or kill someone else. when you don't set your cruise control in LA, sometimes you go (with the speed of traffic) too fast. like 83 in a 65 too fast. and then what happens? that's right, you get pulled over.

in inglewood.

people - avoid inglewood, in general. especially avoid getting pulled over in inglewood. take my word for it.
______________________________________________________________

the scene: mid-may, 11pm, dark, driving home from grandma's house in the OC back to SB

the passenger: my boyfriend (only 6 weeks-ish into boyfriend status at the time)

the location: 105 freeway in inglewood

long story short: doing 83, pulled over, cop was nice, gave me a fix-it ticket for my texas plates, i was thankful for softening the ticket blow but sad to part with texas plates, cost was $170 vs $480 plus traffic school, easy fix... right.

what to do in this situation:
1) get registration changed (even though it doesn't seem worth it for car you're about to sell)
2) don't let not-too-smart dmv dude confiscate your old tx proof of registration
3) send in ALL forms including tx proof of registration
4) get ticket paid & dismissed

what to NOT do in this situation: (a.k.a. my life)
1) neglect to send in tx proof of registration
2) get denied dismissal of your $25 violation
3) call incessantly and reach no one to see if your new california registration on the car you're no longer about to own is sufficient proof that you changed the registration
4) GO TO THE INGLEWOOD COURTHOUSE TO HANDLE THE MATTER YOURSELF

right above that line up there? ^ read that statement.

i've been to haiti multiple times, i lived a mile from mexico and have spent a significant amount of time there - those places have really $*##(*$)@# governmental structure. i have been LESS FEARFUL for my life than i was in inglewood. i kid you not.

if you do the "what NOT to do" scenario, you know what happens?
1) you fear for your life after walking through security screening to enter the courthouse the first time
2) you get told you have to COME BACK for a court date
3) you cry as soon as you get back on the freeway (be sure to get out of inglewood before crying)
4) you consult lawyer-friends, pray the blood of Jesus over the envelope and send in dang tx proof of registration that you had to obtain from tx along with a letter requesting your court date & ticket be dismissed because you've submitted the right paperwork
5) you check status online, it says "dismissed" and then it says, "next action" and lists your court date
6) in order to potentially save your life and spare you from tears, you decide that means "dismissed" and ignore the 2nd part
7) you pray there isn't a warrant out for your arrest

this is my current situation. please pray that i remember to use my cruise control in LA and when you pray, thank the good Lord that my boyfriend still loves me after all kinds of crazy. thanks.

p.s. - there's a reason 2pac raps about inglewood people.

serve & respect

2011-10-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

i drive... alot. while i drive i do one of 4 things: listen to tunes, talk on the phone, pray or listen to podcasts. this last 4 days i've spent a significant amount of time in the car and i've never been more thankful that Jarred and i respectively have two amazing pastors from the churches we've recently attended who podcast sermons that continue to grow and change us both as individuals and as a couple. mike erre, my pastor for 7 years of my life taught an incredible sermon on marriage that i listened to today and as i heard the way he described that men should treat women in dating and in marriage - i saw the man that is stealing my heart and becoming my best friend.

here's where i saw it: mike said, "single people, listen up. you will be married to her in whatever way you dated her. so ladies, does he serve you? do you see a willingness to place your well-being ahead of his own? is he a threat to your purity or a protector of it? does he demand his needs be met?"

this picture is what i see in my man. he serves me... he makes sure i'm taken care of, he opens my door, he loves me well and not only me but those he knows are important to me.

he is willing to place my well-being ahead of his own... remember how he's moving across the country to be with me as we speak? and all this because he knows how much i love my job and am not willing to give it up so he is giving up loads of things to be with me? remember that? he is a protector of my purity and not a threat... you get no details, but let's just say he's a man of his word and a man of integrity and i have never once felt like i was fighting that uphill battle alone. he doesn't demand his needs be met... in fact, he got me 8 jars of my favorite salsa in texas and is driving it to california, talk about meeting needs :)

he goes on to say: "I pray that men, in ever increasing yet ever imperfect ways you would place her well-being ahead of your own and you would begin to die to your entitlements and sacrifice to serve her. and women, in ever increasing yet ever imperfect ways you would respect and love your man, as he is, not as you want him. and ladies, would you respect a man who served you in that way? of course you would. and men, would you serve a woman who respected you in that way? of course you would."

people, i have NO PROBLEM respecting this man who has served me so well and sacrificed so much. i am blown away. in fact, i respect him and love him even more because of his willingness to die to his entitlements (a better paying job, cheaper rent, living near family, a bigger house) and sacrifice for me. it makes me want to do ANYTHING I CAN to love him, help him succeed and treat him with respect. it makes me ridiculously proud to call him mine.

then mike finishes with this - "men, women need us to delight in them... as they are. and ladies, we need you to respect us and to love us into our future. what happens when people start treating each other this way is that you get a picture of the gospel of Jesus."

good gracious i pray that our relationship is even the tiniest picture of the gospel of Jesus and that more and more as we grow as a couple - we show more grace, sacrifice more of ourselves, give more respect and love even deeper so that Jesus radiates through all that we are. this life is beautiful. this man is imperfectly incredible. i am beyond blessed.

.learning to need...

2011-09-29T23:02:00.000-07:00

i was re-vamping my blog (which is still in process because frankly, i got tired last night, so bear with me), but i realized the title of it is "learning to need Him." i debated if i should change that, if i should modify it - i mean, what do you do with a phrase like that? i think i am and always will be learning to need more of Jesus. i can hope that i'll get to a point where i can say, "alright, i've learned it all. i'm up to the brim with learning how to have more of Jesus and we're in a good place. check." but that's not how it works. i know we're never done.

sadly, if you were to ask me what i'm learning to need right now, i'd probably not say it's much of Jesus. what i'm learning to need right now are things like more sleep, less stress, a better immune system, more time at home, a job in california for my boyfriend which will mean all of the things listed above will get better...

those are the things i'm learning to need because my mind and body are forcing me to. that and a glass of red wine to cover the multitude.

so where does that leave me? and Jesus - where does that leave Him? i still need Him and the above things absolutely cannot be handled properly without Him, so i guess that leaves me where i started... learning to need Him but taking the long way to get there. say a little prayer for me, for us if you think of it. we've got a bit of learning to do.

.highlights from the motherland.

2011-09-29T07:45:00.001-07:00

heineken - welcome to holland!

if 3 days in spain came with highlights, 7 days in holland trumped it, hands down. drumroll please...

American pizza, at the farm of a speed skater with 50 of my crazy Dutch relatives

real windmills and amazing windmill cakes

some successful sloot jumping...

and some not so successful

ridiculously awesome candid photos of me and my sis-in-law

flowers, flowers and more flowers!!!

my smokin' hot boyfriend (i'm related to 3 of them, so there's only one who's smokin' hot) i mean, what's not attractive about a man in borrowed european too-short trunks with cow $h?z running down his legs?!??! but seriously, my guy? he's got a bod and for that and many other things, i'm thankful.

3 words - stroopwaffel ice cream

and the best for last... cutest. nephew. ever.

I <3 Holland. I'm ready to go back. Who's coming?

.coming "home".

2011-09-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

where in the world am i, you might ask? currently i am sitting in a house that is nearing 200 years old, looking at yellow tulips that my grandma gave me as a welcome gift, feeling like i need to go for a LONG run soon because of the excess number of pastries and cheese i have consumed in the last week. i. love. europe. and if i don't come home, don't hate me.

you see, for me, europe feels like coming "home" in a sense of the word. this trip was 3 days in spain and then a week in holland. spain felt like home because i spent a semester there in college and holland feels like home because well, it is the homeland. so many of our meals, traditions and even looks and mannerisms are fully Dutch . i love the feeling of belonging somewhere. it's been a great week.

i know you're dying for some highlights:
- the amazingness that was our apartment in barcelona... seriously, the views and the apartment itself were bomb. and REALLY good priced for a 6 bedroom apartment. feliz.

- sardining ourselves into european elevators... it's fantastic. and my dad? he totally loves it, don't let him fool you.

- bitchin' restaurants with 300 degree ocean views and the quaintest little coffee shops that make my soul happy.

- a boyfriend who is incapable of normalcy in pictures... good gracious i love this guy.

- really fantastical beach towns in spain -

holland to follow... stay tuned!

.apologies.

2011-09-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

apologies to all who faithfully or not so faithfully read this thing... I have been what they call m.i.a. - i.e. Texas, Haiti, headed to Europe, etc. (i'm secretly hoping that over-abbreviating will accentuate my list of reasons why i've been so busy and unable to post, so if it's not working, work with me).

i promise to do my best to get better.

here's what i've been up to...

TEXAS - for the bridal shower of a sweet friend whose wedding i happen to miss because i'll be in...

SPAIN and HOLLAND - with my family and my beau for 10 days to visit our family (in Holland, not Spain and yes, I know I look more Spanish than Dutch), but in between the two I was in...

HAITI - taking an incredible team of 6 women to work over there for 9 months.

will those excuses suffice? i certainly hope so. i have blog posts swirling in my head about things like the absolute terrifying moments at the inglewood courthouse (but i want to make sure i am crime-free and don't need to go back there first), what God has been teaching me about surrendering expectations and praying His will be done, how Haiti changed me - once again, how the 6 gals who are living in Haiti changed me and are continuing to change me. so for now, click the link about the girls... this is life-changing stuff that will inevitably keep you on your toes until i return...

hasta luego... bonjour... daj... i'll be home soon, pinky promise.

.inspired by these 6.

2011-08-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

Click here to read about the life-changing project God is allowing me to be part of. Amazing-ness. I'll get back to the regularly scheduled road-trip picture posting programming someday. This is just too exciting to miss :)

.highway 1.

2011-07-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

summer + roadtrip = awesomeness

we began our journey in santa barbara and cruised up to pismo beach to spend 4th of july with some of my mom's family. for me, this is the norm, for jarred, maybe a bit overwhelming? if you haven't been around my extended family, your loss... ha. it's true, but what's also true is that it's chaos. i have 18 first cousins, most of them are married & have some kids. so on my mom's side alone, there are over 50 of us. jarred got a small taste in pismo over the 4th. it's beautiful the whole crazy family thing. it was the 4th of july at it's best in an absolutely beautiful spot :)

it was mornings sitting on the porch, overlooking the pacific drinking coffee with my mom's cousins and some family friends. it was mid-day drop-in lunch with my great aunt talking about ministry & Jesus & third world missions. it was evenings with a bbq lit, a glass of wine and about 13 small kiddos running around with my aunt & uncle, their kids & grandkids and more extended family.

we continued up highway 1 to san francisco, making a few stops in beautiful big sur to enjoy the scenery, get some coffee and for jarred to take in what will soon be his new home on the pacific ocean.

we had incredible weather and one of the most beautiful drives in the world.

i am grateful for this guy who loves me well and is willing to sacrifice so much for me.

next up? san francisco!!!

.trippin' down the road.

2011-07-25T23:16:00.001-07:00

meet my guy...

his name is jarred and someday i'll tell the story of how we met and fell in love and had no choice but to date, but for now, you're getting our road trip - one day at a time because the whole thing would be too much for you to handle, i just know it.

so he's road trippin' across the united states of america (or portions of it at least). he's an adventurous kinda guy with a tinge of wanderlust... sound familiar? hence the fell in love and had not choice but to date part. :) so i got to be part of his adventure - you can ask him whether or not he regrets that decision, but don't tell me what he says because you can't undo what's already done and the road trip? it's done.

in all seriousness it was sweet time, time we'll probably never get again. here was our agenda in hipsta-collages and over the next few days i'll break it down because i know you care for me to do so and if you don't, stop clicking on my blog for a week or so.

here's where we cruised:

pismo beach - 4th of july with some of my family

highway 1 to norcal

san francisco

klamath falls, oregon (we'd never heard of it either)

crater lake national park

camping in bandon

the oregon coast/dunes

portland

what can i say? we're a happy couple just trippin' down life's road - maybe it was the free ice cream & cheese sampling, but let me tell you - happiness is an orange vw van. stay tuned for highlights and ridiculous commentary. you won't regret it.

.hope amidst loss.

2011-07-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

seven of us rode in the car... seven adults who've been friends for the better part of 5 years and not a word was spoken. eery silence. what words are appropriate when the lump in your throat and the gut wrenching feeling won't leave? how do you find "proper words" in the 10 minute drive from the restaurant to the memorial service of one of your friends that died too young? there are no right words for that. there are no right words to say to katie's parents, to her husband, to her sisters. there are not even right words to say to your own friends. so our car remained silent as we each processed our own grief and did our best to walk into the day prepared.

one of the most stunningly beautiful girls i've ever met also happened to be one of the purest hearted, tender spirited girls i've ever met. she had it all goin' on. her love for Jesus oozed out of her being even in the midst of severe pain and incredibly limited lung capacity. katie parsons may was someone whose life touched all those she came in contact with.

yesterday was horrific and beautiful all rolled into one. a 32 year old husband should not be speaking at his wife's funeral. loving parents should not have to say goodbye to their 27 year old daughter. "You give and take away, You give and take away - still my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name," were the words we sang at her service. words that communicate to our God that no matter what season of life, whatever changes may come, we still trust Him, we love him and we believe that death is not the end.

you see, that was the absolutely beautiful thing about this whole week and particularly about yesterday... because He lives, there is hope amidst loss. katie's ashes were scattered yesterday (well half of them - the other half are to be taken to the Ukraine, her other love). as her family & her husband scattered her ashes in the pacific ocean, each of tossed a flower into the water. we lost much when we lost katie, but there was beauty yesterday, beauty from ashes.

the other thing that allowed us to experience hope amidst loss was authentic community.
- i watched katie's dad jump in after the ashes and swim out deeper... alone. and then i watched two of his closest friends jump in after him, throw their arms around him and pray, right there, amidst her ashes, in the middle of the pacific ocean and it was beautiful. it was hope.

- i watched our motley crew of seven laugh together, cry together, pray together, grieve together and just be together and come around our friend, john for 36 hours. this breathed hope into each of us and while we didn't know what to say, it was enough to just be.

i am grateful for real community. i am grateful for hope.

and as our sweet friend john sang at his gorgeous bride's service: "i will praise you, I will praise you - though the tears fall, still i will sing to you. I will praise you, Jesus, praise you - through the suffering still i will sing."

katie may - thank you for living a full life, for caring more about others than you did about yourself, for being someone who oozed Jesus and for teaching us how to continue to hope in the midst of pain. we will miss you.

.i love this.

2011-07-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

my quasi-friend, Kristen posted this today. i've always known we had alot in common, but this is probably the post she's written that i resonate with the most. it's a tough subject, something i've struggled with for years, i'd even venture to say almost decades and i know i will probably never get to an "ok" place with it. i pray that i will (in fact i prayed that last night) and i hope that i do, but it's a struggle. my own journey has been long and frustrating - it ebbs and flows, succeeds and fails but never to the point where i'm satisfied.

half marathon - trained & ran 13 miles - CHECK
mudrun - 10k with muddy hills, through a lake, over walls - CHECK

P90X - for the whole 90 days without skipping - CHECK
Cleanses, fad diets, limited caloric intake - CHECK

just read her post & know that i could have written the exact same words with the same emotion behind them... i'll let you know when i figure it out. right. about that...

.paradox.

2011-06-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

today i popped into the office of pastor friend who happened to be sitting at his desk and had time to chat. we just caught up on life, on ministry, on family stuff (or lack thereof since i have no spouse and children). he talked of his daughter's upcoming adventure to Barcelona to study for a few months and how excited he was. i was reminded of our upcoming trip to Barcelona and told him i'd love to connect with his daughter (who went on a mission trip with us last summer). we then got to talking about vacations and great places to visit.

as i sat in his office in one of the wealthiest communities in the california - perfect sunny 75 degree weather with the breeze blowing through the window and fresh flowers on the desk, i thought of what a paradox our situation was. two people in full-time ministry talking about 5star vacations when really the topic should have stayed on missions. (never mind the amazing conversation that followed about the 19-29 generation who doesn't know what to do so they do nothing - glad i missed that boat by 1/2 a year, whew).

but in all seriousness, there was a paradox happening in my head of thinking - "what a nice conversation about the opportunities we've been able to have traveling overseas." and then i thought, "if i could get on a plan to go anywhere right now, where would i go?" the answer? undoubtedly and whole-heartedly - haiti. you see, our great God has changed me.

he's changed me from someone who used to love the adventure of overseas travel, love the thrill of saving my money to go on a sweet vacation and do whatever I WANT to do with whoever I WANT to go with for however long I WANT to go. who's in?

to...

someone whois devastated because my brother and sister-in-law are in haiti right now and i want to be there. someone who cannot WAIT to get my plane ticket booked for september because i am beyond excited to go back. someone who is being broken for the things that break GOD'S HEART and being called into things that advance GOD'S KINGDOM instead of mine. who's in?

truly, i'm more excited about haiti than i am about barcelona and they happen to fall in the same month. i love how God is changing me. i love the tension of the paradox in the pastor's office today.

Lord, that i may live more focused on your kingdom instead of my own, that my passion for doing things for you might increase more and more and my passion for doing things for me might decrease, that i might continue to find pleasure in the blessings, but be absolutely inspired and motivated by the difficult task of loving others for your name's sake - that you might find me worthy to live in the tension of the paradox

.beautiful mess.

2011-05-24T22:30:00.001-07:00

so i have this really cute purse. i can only say that because my grandma picked it out and gave it to me - i had nothing to do with it. but i love it. the inside lining is way cute, it's the right size, it goes with anything, it's just fun. i've loved carrying it and get tons of "where did you get that? i love it!"'s from other girls. i mean what girl doesn't want that right? it really is a beautiful purse. or more like a beautiful mess...

about 10 days ago i realized my motrin bottle's top wasn't snug and the ENTIRE BOTTLE spilled in the bottom of my purse. 10 days ago. so for that long i've been walking around with the inside of my purse looking like this...

on the outside it's beautiful... on the inside, it's a mess. i considered cleaning it out tonight and then abruptly changed my mind. the task seemed too daunting because i couldn't simply scoop those guys up and throw them away, i'd have missed a significant amount of the mess and been frustrated when i found it later. the reason i avoided is that it was too much work. I'd have had to empty the whole purse and then take every inch of the mess out and then put it back in one by one. i think as broken humans we're not all too different from my purse... beautiful on the outside but a mess on the inside. i think we'd like to scrape off and scoop out and cover up the stuff people can see - or put on our really cute lining and versatile frame and then not let anyone see the inside. i think all too often i am guilty of putting on this "i've got it together look" so that other people will say to me or about me, "where'd you get that? i love it!" and i can make up some excuse about how i've got it all under control and i'm always doing great - God has blessed me so much. while the whole "i am so blessed" part is true, the other part is not and i think the nasty human in me loves to fall into that trap of not wanting anyone to see the mess and not wanting to deal with it.

this week it's kind of crashed down on me. this amazing new God-given gift of a guy was here with me for a week, we had awesome plans, i was getting back into the work groove with our trips going out this summer, i had fun plans with friends, i was back on my workout routine & feeling better. i had it all goin' on. i was in the zone, lookin like it was all good and well and was ready for people to ask me, "where'd you get that?" that put together life, great boyfriend, amazing job, etc.

and then i got a gnarly case of strep throat that has knocked me down for almost a week. the spilled bottle of motrin just showed its mess to everyone - to my boyfriend who's had to take care of me, to my interns who've had to pick up slack at work, to my trainer who i had to cancel all my workouts this week. the mess started showing & i've been stuck at home this week picking up the pieces and sifting through some of the pieces that i left behind a few months ago. turns out we're all just that - a beautiful mess. and to be honest, i think much of me functions better in sorting through messes than in beauty.

.courage.

2011-05-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

i've been back from peru a week, sifting through my jet lag, emotions, pictures and memories and there is a word that i can't shake... courage.

here's how i saw courage in my dear friends:

- learning Spanish despite mental blocks, crazy schedules and excuses not to
- being an American kid and showing up to school everyday knowing you aren't going to fit in, aren't going to speak the language, aren't going to understand much
- putting yourself out there to make friends, either with other American missionaries or with Peruvians
- braving the streets of Lima - believe me when i say this takes courage
- trusting God with not only your own lives but the lives and transitions of your kids, knowing you've been called as a family

- being bold enough to get a haircut and new glasses when it involves traffic, parking issues and a language barrier
- pushing through the tears and the mental breakdowns in order to move forward
- not looking back, not copping out, simply looking forward and recognizing that our God is good and he has not forsaken them
- doing scary, humbling things in another culture and language because they know it's the only way to become part of the world they are ministering to
- being able to laugh at themselves when the language isn't working or when something doesn't translate culturally
- trusting that God is bigger than their circumstances and that his will is perfect despite the struggle

- being able to be honest about the hard things - embracing tears, hard days and frustrations
- knowing that they are in God's will and reminding themselves daily that He is enough and He will provide

there is nothing that feels safe or comfortable about living in a culture other than your own... at least not for the first year and i'd imagine even after that it's tough. the only time you really feel like you can let down is in your own home and even that takes a little getting used to.

there was so much of me that was taken back to the months i lived in spain - the feelings i felt, the emotions i experienced, the daily struggles with the language and the culture. and then i had to grab perspective. i was in spain for 4 months. FOUR. i knew i was coming home. i knew there was an end. i knew i'd make it through if i could just push a few more weeks (not that it was torture or anything:) but 3-5 years is a totally different ball game. the amount of "pull-you-up-by-your-chin-straps" courage and reliance on Christ is astounding. i have entirely new perspective on what long term missionaries have to endure and i have a drastically increased amount of respect and prayer for my best friends who are living this out in peru.

blake and sarah - you guys are rad. you are loved. you are prayed over. you are not alone. keep on keepin' on.

.my own little world.

2011-05-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

This song by Matthew West got me thinkin' about life & all that matters this morning. There is so much more. I am so selfish. I want to live for something bigger than me. Lord, help me.

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population: me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts
I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
Yeah,it’s easy to do when it’s
Population: me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world oooh

Well, I stopped at a red light, looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign, said “Help this homeless widow”
Above that sign was the face of a human
and I thought to myself, “God, what have I been doing?”
So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
I thought how many times have I just passed her by?
So I gave her some money then I drove on through
And my own little world reached
Population: two

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I should be living right now
Outside my own little world

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
and put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
That I could be living right now

Well I dont wanna miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Showing the greater purpose
So I could start living right now
Outside my own little world

.simply complicated.

2011-04-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

today i blogged here about peru... about my thoughts on simplicity... about how i'd like to live my life more like they do in developing countries.

.happy birthday to my best.

2011-04-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

i am so grateful to have gotten to be with one of my best friends in peru on her birthday :) we celebrated well.

friday night was a "chicken & wine" dinner and birthday cake at the house with all the kiddos. turns out thyme doesn't quite translate literally & it was a little spicy for the birthday girl, but we loved the night anyhow.

someone was a little bit sad when her birthday cake was gone & the party was over :)

saturday night was girls night out - stephanie (a friend sarah met here in peru), sarah & i went out to an AMAZING restaurant that is set in these old ruins. we. loved. it. everything about it. the food, the lava cake, the sangria, the ambiance, the asking for ice 12 times, every bit of it :)

.spanglish debaucle.

2011-04-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

i'm en route to Peru to see some of my faves. i did a little blog action from the costa rican airport over here.

.lessons from weeds.

2011-04-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

our culture tends to categorize things: beautiful, ugly; worthy, worthless; significant, insignificant. i had a profound moment today... with the weeds in my backyard. no, i'm not kidding. we've had quite a bit of rain this spring and now that the sun's finally found its way to santa barbara again, my backyard is growing. growing with things that are "unwelcome" by anyone's standards. things that you look at and go, "man, i wish i had the time to get rid of that stuff because weeds are just useless and annoying." you've all been there... don't lie.

i walked outside and saw the weeds this morning. i walked past them once and made the above comment in my head. i walked past them a second time and stopped. i saw them differently. i saw significance and i saw beauty and i thought, "how awesome is our God that He even chose to make weeds beautiful. He could have made them brown and twig-like and spiky, but he didn't (unless your talking about the Texas type - tumble weeds, but disregard those for the value of this post, thanks). i thought about this as i went about my day today & was grateful for a Creator who loves his creation enough to make beauty out of something we so often deem useless. and then i was done with it. i was going to keep this picture in my mind and move on.
and then i was on the phone telling the story a little later and one of my favorite people said back to me - "i don't think God sees weeds as useless or insignificant. they are beautiful to Him." wow. so true. if all of creation was made to glorify him, then that includes weeds. he made those "annoying" little pests to glorify himself and you know what? they are beautiful. and because he made people and we're his favorite, we are to enjoy the creation he deems beautiful. so what did i do next? this...
i took that creation that we often label as ugly, annoying and insignificant and i brought it into my world and it brightened up my home. i am grateful to love and serve a God that values weeds and that values me when i see myself as a weed or even when i'm acting like a weed. i'm glad He knows how to make beauty out of ashes and continues to do that in my life, making me significant, worthy and beautiful only because of how good He is.

.fit.

2011-04-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

I want to start.
I want to find.
I want to know
where you go to hide.
Cause I'm out of breath,
my wind is gone.
Running with fear
of being alone.

'Cause you really want
to settle the truth.
Let me be the one to
offer you proof

Oh how you fit me
Oh how you do
but know that you own me
ahead over you
and oh how it hit me
caught a bruise
despite all these cynical lies
I finally found a piece to fit
In my life

I was adrift
out on my own.
You came along
and carried me home.
Cause you are a star,
a distant headlight.
I can't stop my eyes
from keeping you insight.
I'm not looking for a broken excuse
but I need you now to comfort my wounds.

Oh how you fit me
Oh how you do
you know that you own me
ahead over you
and oh how it hit me
caught a bruise
despite all these cynical lies
I finally found a piece to fit

'Cause I've made it alone
a fading sun
look at what I've become
and my eyes were drunk
until you came along
in a world that's quite confused
you're the only absolute

Oh how you fit me
Oh how you do
you know that you own me
ahead over you
and oh how it hit me
caught a bruise
despite all these cynical lies

Oh how you fit me
Oh how you do
but know that you own me
ahead over you
and oh how it hit me
abound over you
despite all these cynical lies
I finally found a piece to fit
In my life

I finally found a piece to fit
In my life

i won't settle for anything less than this. i believe in being with someone i don't want to do life without. someone who just fits. my grandparents are proof that it's possible.

thanks, jeremy lister for writing this little ditty and for helping me believe. i just know God's got great things in store.

.vision of splendor - backdrop of squalor.

2011-04-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

today i blogged here about haiti... i have a feeling this blogging about haiti thing is long from over :)

www.sendmeusemechangeme.blogspot.com/2011/04/vision-of-splendor-backdrop-of-squalor.html

.surrender.

2011-03-28T13:13:00.001-07:00

I am currently in a season of learning what it looks like to surrender... I can honestly say it's one of the hardest things to do when you are someone who likes your world under control, all the time. God is teaching me and often he uses unexpected things to do it.

It was Wednesday morning in Haiti and our schedule for that morning was to sleep in. If you've met me, I LOVE to do this. Well, that was not God's schedule for me. There was pounding on my door around 8am and so I jumped out of bed and ran to the door to find two of my teammates of my new friends that lives in Haiti standing at the door frantically telling me, "There was a bad accident. We're getting on the helicopter right now to go take them to the hospital. You need to go be with Joy. We don't know who was hurt, it may have been Kerry (her husband)."

Early that morning, some of our guys had gone to Port-Au-Prince to take a team of 4 guys to the airport.

What was going through my half-asleep, pre-caffeinated mind was this:
- "My dad is on that bus. I don't know what I'd do if my dad wasn't okay. Kerry is on that bus. I don't know what Joy and their 8 kids will do if he's not okay. If Kerry's not okay, I'm not leaving Haiti. I'm not leaving Joy." I was calm on the outside but freaking out the inside and then started shaking. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming peace and I prayed, "Lord, if you decided to take my dad and Kerry today, I would still trust you. I would know that you're in control, that it was part of your plan and that I would be okay." (Believe me, this was all Jesus) At that point, Jarred said to me, "Your dad's okay. He's the one that texted about it. Just go be with Joy."

I threw my shoes on and ran to Joy & Kerry's apartment. I got there and she was holding her cell phone, waiting for them to call and was trying not to panic with 5 kids needing her attention and affection. We knelt down right there and started praying. Soon after, Kerry called and said he was fine, but to pray for Jeff. Jeff is a pastor that was there visiting from Louisiana. He's 36 and has a wife and kids at home. He had a significant amount of damage to his face and will need surgery, potentially a few surgeries. They got him to Miami quickly and he is doing okay, but it will be a long road. If you think of it, please pray for him and his family.

But I am continuing to learn from this is that I have expectations of what I think my life is supposed to look like. When MY expectations aren't met, I am disappointed in God because things aren't going my way. Well shouldn't they be going his way, not mine? What that requires is an all out surrender of my agenda and expectations so that God might have the space in my life to write a better story. That day, I learned what it meant to surrender. I learned what it meant to have absolutely zero control of a situation and still trust God with the outcome. God is teaching me to surrender it all and to release my expectations in exchange for the amazing plan he is beginning to unfold. A painful process? Yes. But I could not be more grateful for the early morning wake up call in Haiti.

"This life I live... it finds meaning in surrender. So take my life, let it be, everything all of me. Here I am, use me for Your glory. In everything I say and do, let me my life honor You. Here I am, living for Your glory." - Tim Hughes

.mèsi Senyè...

2011-03-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

for the last week, i've been blogging over here... www.sendmeusemechangeme.blogspot.com. this is the blog for my work, and for a day or two i spent the time to copy/paste/re-upload all the posts and pictures. instead of wasting my afternoon doing that, i've decided to go ahead and just link you over there to read my posts.

today i posted Mèsi Senyè... i am in process. God is doing something in me and desiring to change me so that i might change his kingdom. i can't even begin to tell you what a different place this is than the place i've been the last 2 months. the fog has definitely lifted and i'm coming out of the pit. HE IS FAITHFUL.

.a stirring.

2011-03-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

God is stirring something in my heart for Haiti. I am absolutely loving it. Like nothing I’ve ever loved. I’m not sure what it is. I think part of it is Kerry & Joy Reeves and part of it is the people here. The other pieces of it are the devastation you see & the people you interact with. They all have a story – most of them a tragic story. They all are totally dependent on something – most of them voodoo or witchcraft to get them through. With 10% Christianity and many of those being “nominal” Christians, there’s a huge tendency to just give up hope on these people's lives ever changing.

But not the Reeves'. They inspire me. I'm overwhelmed by their hearts for these people and to truly help them - by help I mean empowering them to help themselves. It's such an amazing ministry and a gift to be working alongside them.

Gran, the widow that the Reeves' take care of. She's a strong believer & huge influence on her community & her kids.

Gorgeous.

Women in the refugee camp.

Gatina, my homegirl & one of the orphans. Love her :)

Sunset in Haiti. <3

.haiti, here i come.

2011-03-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

Psalm 82:3&4 "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

As I re-read this verse today, I was reminded of how important it is that we continue to go - to go to places like Haiti and defend these devastated people. They are poor, oppressed, weak and needy and it truly is our calling to be their defense and to encourage our partners who are doing ministry in the depths of human need. I sit here tonight, beginning to pack my bags, ridiculously humbled at the opportunity I have to go and serve in a place like Haiti. I think about our Operation HOPE team - one of the physicians is my dear friend, a ministry partner from IMPACT here in CA has joined us late in the game, my parents are going, my sister-in-law, my aunt, the mothers of both of my sisters-in-law - and I am utterly blown away by the gift it is to be going on this trip.

I've felt called to this place and wanted to go there for years... since before the quake when one of my friends was in a heart-wrenching adoption process to get their son. Their story is incredible. Through her, I've been linked with the Livesay's who live a life and run a ministry in Port-Au-Prince that will blow you away. All this to say, in some weird way, it's one of my dreams to go to Haiti - to meet the amazing people who live there, to learn about their culture and to serve them in whatever way God has planned for me. I am humbled. Truly. And cannot wait to tell the stories of my Haitian brothers and sisters and to watch our great God do what he does best - change lives and bring hope.

.beauty.

2011-03-01T23:58:00.001-08:00

my cousin, haley is pure beauty. she doesn't even know it and i think it makes her even more beautiful. truly. but at the same time i wish she could know it, internalize it, live it. because we are more confident and we live differently when we can see ourselves as beautiful.

Lord, that haley may know her beauty today.

.turning a corner.

2011-02-28T22:29:00.001-08:00

this last month has been hard. really hard. maybe all in all the toughest month of my life. satan has literally attacked every area of my being - my friendships, my love life, my family, my finances, my work and my body. the month of february has been exhausting, frustrating, unnerving, anger-provoking, devastating and empty. and i've been pushing back against God. i've been in the struggle with him, feeling like he's not fighting for me. i've been in a gnarly season of questions and stubbornness.

this last week there has been a little lull in the chaos and i've felt like i'm starting to turn a corner for the better.

me and God? we're talking again. me and my friends? we're starting to mend some of the brokenness. my family? we're starting to deal with the reality of living life without a man we loved so much. my finances? there's enough there to cover the deficit. my work? God is beginning to open doors we didn't think were open for this summer. i feel like God is beginning to move and i am am finally throwing in the white flag - surrendering my desire to control, giving up the struggle and letting Him fight for me.

today was the first day i've ever heard this song by brandon heath and it's helping me to cease struggling and trust:

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame I know I should know better
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
I needed life, you gave me yours
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

.simple - real simple.

2011-02-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure if you've heard of it but there's this magazine called "real simple" i pretty much love it. i want to be it. before you think i'm a freak, let me explain what i mean by that last statement. i want to be it as in i want to live the life the magazine creates for you... example:

- i want to find new uses for old things so that i can a) not spend as much $$$, b) be more creative with my resources, c) be awesome

- i want to wear the cute color pairings it suggests - the rich burnt orange with the plum - who doesn't want to wear that? and the super cute dress that only costs what my entire "shopping" budget is for the whole quarter? i'd like that too.

- i want to be able to pull off the "you have 12 extra minutes? clean your entryway so it looks spotless and has fresh flowers and a wreath on the door" exercise.

- i want to host a party and have it be "just what i pictured in my head" but done on a manageable budget on a short time frame.

- i want to meet fascinating people and be able to tell their story in written word so that others can benefit from their life's lessons.

- i want to find a "classic look" haircut or jeans or shoes or sunglasses - something that is just me, that i know works and can default to that when all else fails.

- i want to be creative/organized/incredible enough to plan at least 3-4 fun meals in a week and enjoy cooking and/or sharing them with those around me who could use a little love in the form of food and a good conversation.

and finally...

- i want to get back to the "simple" way of life. the way of doing things that makes my life less chaotic and more simple. real simple.

but here's the thing. we started talking about "simple" today in the context of our faith. how do we go back to the basics of our faith in Jesus and what does it look like to become "real simple" in that regard? my friend kim had it down - here's her simple.

1) Jesus loves me.
2) I know it's true.
3) His promises are sure.

and i think that's where my priorities are skewed. even in my faith, i'm so worried about all the fluff - about what others will think about me, about how i will fit it into my day with everything else going on, about the gray areas that don't really matter but i spend so much time thinking/talking about, about why God seems to show up sometimes & not others, about why he would take away people we love, about why there's evil on this earth, about why the sun rises and sets.

i mean all good questions, but what really needs to be simplified? my faith. not my life. living that "real simple" lifestyle is a band-aid over the need to simplify my faith - a reality that will change everything and i mean everything about how i live my life.

to remember that there's no doubt that I'm radically loved by a God who keeps promises. the end.

.trifecta mission... accomplished.

2011-02-23T22:50:00.000-08:00

so there's this perfect weekend "mission" when you make a plan with people you really like to do something awesome and then it turns out just how you planned. it's a mission accomplished and a day well-spent. that's what happened on saturday.

life's gotten me down a bit lately and i've needed a pick-me-up whenever i can get one.my friend cindy (who is the epitome of trifecta and coined the term, you'll have to ask her permission to know the meaning) is one of those friends who just knows when to show up. after homemade pizza & a night in our pj's, our saturday mission was as follows:

- 4 girls (two other trifecta missionaries - is it ok to call ourselves "missionaries" when the mission is wine?)
- breakfast & lattes
- one swanky winery
- burgers & fries
- a night on the town

first stop - jeannine's. i don't know who jeannine is but she makes a ridiculously good (and cute!) latte and some kalhua caramelized banana french toast that is worth every dripping calorie.

second stop - saarloos & sons winery, los olivos... a.k.a. heaven. these people rule. not only is their winery swanky and rad with a fire place, deer antlers, just the right interior design touch, fun gifts for friends and good wine with shweet vintage photo labels, but they have cupcake flights. yes, you heard that correctly...cupcake flights to taste with your wine flights. i'm sorry, what?

oh and then trifecta cindy happens to know some of the family who owns the place and our cupcakes and extra pours? on the house. um yes please. oh and one more thing, maybe the best part? drumroll please... they're DUTCH and i of course charmed them by playing Dutch bingo for at least a half hour, turns out they went to high school with my dad. rad.

third stop - a rainy walk to a few other wineries that paled in comparison to the aforementioned and we headed back down the rolling green hillside that resembles ireland this time of year and back to the beach. rough life.
fourth stop - the habit for burgers and fries of course, what else is appropriate post wine tasting?!?!?!?

fifth stop - a rest. also not an option for trifecta missions

sixth stop - state street... downtown santa barbara. we headed out that evening for some crazy mango mojito martini something or other and chatted it up with some fellows who played soccer and overthrew the band to sing a terrible rendition of "la bamba"
i'd call it a successful day. a trifecta mission... accomplished. amazing friends who know how to love me well during a season of difficult things. ahhhhh... life is good today.

.papa was LOVE.

2011-02-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

This man exemplified Christ more than anyone I know.

He was patient with me when I didn’t get it right the first time and he’d always wait for me and let the others go on ahead. He was never too busy or in too much of a hurry to stop and pray – over new cars, road trips, new houses, new babies – you name it, he took the time to pray. Papa was kind when my behavior didn’t merit kindness in return. He did not envy what others had, instead he knew that he was beyond blessed and was an amazing steward of what he was given – he was an honest businessman and an incredible husband, father, grandfather & great-grandfather.

He did not boast… well unless it was about Jesus or Anna Mae. He was not proud… except for of his Dutch heritage and the USA :) He was not rude – he always made space in his life for others and treated everyone he met with the respect they deserved as a child of God. He was not self-seeking – I don’t know anyone as selfless as Papa, from picking up hitch hikers and telling them about Jesus to always showing up when we needed him to be there and even in the last days, he was thanking nurses in the hospital for changing his iv. He was not easily-angered, in fact his nickname was “Papa No Biggie” because he didn’t let much get to him and would always bring a smile to our faces when we were upset about something.

Papa kept no record of wrongs against anyone, ever; everything was forgivable and his love was so unconditional; I’ve never felt more loved by someone than I do by him and Gramma. He gave second chances and never made anyone feel like an outsider. He did not delight in evil; in fact the scowl would cross his face when bad stories came on the news or when he heard of one of his grandkids doing something he didn’t approve of. He truly did his best to live like Jesus. He always rejoiced with the truth – Papa’s favorite thing was to hear about one of us following Jesus or doing ministry or singing in church or baptizing our kids. He sought after Truth with his whole life and that was his desire for each of us.

Papa always protected us, Gramma and his relationship with Jesus. I’ve never seen a more amazing model of someone who carved out time with the Lord and time with his family because he knew the value of those things. He always trusted in the Lord no matter what life brought – bouts of cancer, hard times with the business, challenges with family – his trust was 100% in the Lord and what he could do. He always hoped for the best and believed the best for us, even if we didn’t believe it for ourselves. When we were sad or upset, there was always hope in Papa’s smile, in his words, in his actions.

He always persevered through whatever life brought his way and he did so without complaining or grumbling, he just put on that grin, prayed, grabbed Anna Mae’s hand and walked through whatever challenge was next.
Papa will never fail to be someone who deeply influences my life. The life he lived and the legacy he leaves will be something that brings many more to Glory.

Much of who I am is because of who Papa was. There are days when being in full-time ministry is draining and you want to quit – I keep going because Papa always wanted a preacher and he taught me to never stop sharing the good news with people, even if it is daunting at times. There are days when I don’t believe in love anymore and then I look at his relationship with Gramma and remember that their marriage is reason enough to believe in love and to have hope for the future. There are days when I take my life too seriously and I look at Papa and remember that it’s “no biggie” and it will all work itself out.

And there are days when I will see that smile in the pictures I cherish and be reminded that life is beautiful and that God is so good to me. My life is changed for the better because I got 30 years with Papa. He has been one of the biggest spiritual influences on me and I will continue to pray for a man who loves me as much as Papa loves Gramma and who will continue to point me toward Jesus, come what may. “And we believe it!” Gramma, you are deeply loved by 49 of us and we will be here for you. You and Papa have had such an incredible impact on us and we consider it a gift to love and support you and honor his legacy... it’s the least we could do.

I love and miss you Papa, more than you'll ever know.

.opa's journey begins.

2011-02-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

We are sitting here eating spaghetti and baked goods (comfort food for sure). Today was a day where we felt God's presence completely. He had a night with a bit of restlessness & was sick of the tubes and sick of the nurses coming in. He just kept saying, "I wanna go home."

That hospital room was sacred ground today. At times in the day, Papa gets restless and anxious and we've figured out the only and best way to calm him down is to pray, sing hymns or read scripture to him. We can't imagine doing this without the HOPE we have in Christ. Truly. We cling to His promises in these moments. It was such blessed, sacred moments with his kids, grandkids, great grandkids and sister-in-law around him today, praying for him, singing with him, reading scripture over him. God is gracious and we know his faithful servant is highly favored as we sense peace the minute we cry out to Jesus. Amen for that.

At one point in the day, nothing else was working so one of the grandkids said, "Papa, do you want to sing with the little kids?" And he nodded. We brought Anna Mae, Johnny and Cameron in the room to sing with him and his eyes lit up and he sang every word to "Jesus Loves Me" and "You are My Sunshine." The kids and Opa were happily singing and the adults stood watching, teary eyed at the faithfulness of our Lord through generations. Unbelievable. And then he said, "Can those sweet kids come home with me when I come home?" To which we responded, "Of course."

Our best news is that Papa's word for himself "discharge" is coming true!!! We had a family meeting with our beloved doctor and friend, Holly Stewart this evening and we all came to the conclusion that the best thing for Papa is to come home. That's all he's been asking for for days and he just wants coffee and Anna Mae. So we say "let it be so."

Holly encouraged us today to let his wish be our command and to just spend this time loving the heck outta that sweet man and walking him home to Jesus. So we do so. With tears in our eyes and thanks in our hearts, we will bring him home to begin his final journey to Jesus tomorrow.

Ways you can pray?
- Pray for Oma/Anna Mae - this process is different for all of us and she is such an amazing source of strength, but this journey is hardest on her.
- GIVE THANKS for amazing neighbors who turn down beds, bring food, get groceries, do dishes & provide support. We are grateful.
- Pray for the kids/grandkids as they each process in their own way. It's been amazing to hear stories of his inspiration & faithfulness. It's a sweet time.
- Pray for a smooth transition tomorrow as he comes home - that he would be in minimal pain and loads of peace in being home.

We have spaghetti and we have each other. We just sat across the table and Oma said, "This is not how we would have planned it, but isn't this time a gift?" Amen and amen. We are blessed with the gift of each other and like Donna said the other day, "It's just so good to be together - to laugh, to cry, to remember, to pray." I know one thing for sure - God could not have given this man a more supportive family and there's nowhere else I'd rather be. We are beyond blessed and he will be discharged. :)

To follow updates from our family, go to: www.degraaflegacy.blogspot.com

.space.

2011-01-27T09:38:00.001-08:00

right now i can't pray, go to church, listen to music, read the Bible or think about anything serious.

"the tears need some space and my heart needs a rest." - there's this girl i've never met but whose blog i read and these words she wrote from scotland yesterday are EXACTLY where i am. exactly.

don't judge me for where i am. it's my journey and right now i'm in a "not so pretty" patch of it. so i am taking space, as much as i need and i'm giving my heart and my brain a rest and i'm giving the tears the space they need to fall - as often and as long as they need to.

i feel grateful that we each get our own journey and that because God loves us he allows us to wrestle and struggle with him and he allows us to be where we are.

these song lyrics by justin mcroberts are the only thing sticking in my mind these days:

"What Love is This"

How long? How long to wait when my heart’s ready to break?
How long? How long to stand when I don’t know who I am?

Would you be my lover if I had no love
And no beauty to speak of?
Would you still be faithful if I had no faith
And I questioned everything?
Amen

What then if I turned away and in darkness hid my face?
Would you leave me then?
Or would you draw me to yourself again?

Would you be my lover if I had no love
And no beauty to speak of?
Would you still be faithful if I had no faith
And I questioned everything?
Amen

What love is this? What love is this,
That will never change? That could never change?
What love is this? What love is this,
That remains the same? It remains the same.

and this... from a sweet friend just blessed my heart more than words can describe...

May the LORD totally bless you this weekend with His presence and love. May Jesus fill those places that are really tough. We pray, in the name of Jesus and in the power of the cross and resurrection, that the enemy will have no power to use what is really hard to pull you away from God. Lord, we bless and care for Bree as she walks this road that You have given her.

.peru.

2011-01-25T23:09:00.000-08:00

so the alba east crew? they moved to peru. about a week ago. it is their story, their dream, their reality, but i just get to tell about it... and visit of course :)

blake and sarah goodfellow are some of the most authentic, genuine and loving friends i've ever had. they have four kids, yes four, all of whom i adore and would gladly take as my own :)

we've been through years of ministry on young life staff together, went off staff together and experienced what it was like to lose yourself... and then become yourself without young life. we've been brutally honest with each other about life, dreams, relationships, family and anything else you can think of. we've already been through one very minor move 2 hours up the coast and last week we endured a much larger one... to peru.

i can honestly tell you i think God was being so gracious by allowing me to move to santa barbara one year before their overseas move because i'm not sure i could have handled going from a few days a week to a few days a year. these are my people. they know my life, they know my stuff, they truly know me... and they were called to peru.

so i showed up & we piled all 7 of us into my car for 3 days and we packed till the wee hours of the morning
and we ran errands and we did last american things like the movies & california pizza kitchen. we cleaned house & we cried tears & we tried to shove 7 and a half years of life and california memories into 24 bags and 3 days of packing. it was awesome and brutal all at the same time. these people heard a call, they responded to that call and they didn't hesitate, they didn't look back, the just obeyed. they are going to live out the gospel to a community of women who are known as society's rejects and offer hope to broken people. it is absolutely beautiful. it's bold. it's courageous. to take your 4 small children and realize the "american dream" is empty and go live a better story is ridiculously life-giving, for everyone involved.

there aren't many people i admire more than these. despite the flood of tears and "you can do this" pep talks at LAX, a beautiful story is beginning to unfold in lima, peru. and let me tell you, my march visit can't come soon enough.

goodfellows, i could not be more proud to call you "my bests". let's do this thing.

.alba.

2011-01-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

there's this house on alba east that closed it's doors this week to was probably its most well-lived years. this place belonged to some of my best friends.

on monday, they moved to peru (more on this later). what made this place on alba so special?

- 4 kids living and loving every square inch of this place, each with their own kind of love (tears, puke, laughter, sword fights, snuggles, music, head injuries, birthday parties, imagination)

- 2 parents who learned a heck of a lot in the 4 and a half years they lived on alba, that's their story to tell but i can tell you there were ups, downs, love and competition, fights and forgiveness, questions and resolution.

- many "tell the truth tuesday nights" where we would sit on the couch and be brutally honest with each other about what was going on in our lives, no judgement, no criticism, just pure "doing life" together in the most authentic way i've ever done life

- a "shirtless spaghetti dinner" or two involving only the men de-shirting as to teach toddler boys how to eat spaghetti without staining perfectly good shirts, that's solid parenting

- many "catan nights" where a group of us would gather to drink margaritas, eat mexican food & play the game we all love the most - settlers of catan. these nights were filled with fierce competition, laughter & great conversation... and of course catan themed cupcakes

- days spent playing the wii and watching football & basketball (i'm still convinced there's not many better ways to spend a Sunday afternoon)

- parties, parties & more parties - birthdays, super bowl, baby showers, game nights... this was the place to be

- countless books read and whispered giggles with those 4 precious kiddos as i tucked them in at night

- gallons of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and boxes of powdered donuts consumed by the lady of the house... and yogurt by the girls of the house, i see a trend :)

- tears were shed during hard seasons of life, hard seasons of ministry and the crappy stuff that happens, but the house on alba east? it was safe. we could cry there, we could grieve there, we could be honest there

- it became the "study spot" for the week i finished grad school, probably the only week that house was quiet. literally, but it got me through finals & allowed me to graduate.

- friendships were formed on that street that will last a lifetime, seeds were planted in that neighborhood that we trust God will continue to grow despite the departure of the ones he called there for that season

- dreams were formed in that house. mission trips were planned in that house. mission trips that started with a simple weekend adventure we embarked on in mexico... followed by their week in guatemala... followed by the journey they are now a part of - peru (stay tuned for that story)

so alba - we thank you. for your open door and cozy couch, for allowing us the space to be honest, for embracing each kid and adult and giving us the space to become who we needed to be, for teaching us that the american dream is not all it's cracked up to be & being gracious enough to be left behind when a small apartment in peru or a small duplex in santa barbara beckoned our next calling and in so many ways allowed more "space" for us to be who we're called to be.

and goodfellows, thanks for being willing to open those doors & let others into your lives there. may that have only been preparation for what He has next in peru.

.#30 - epic birthday bash!!!!!

2011-01-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

i turned 30. about two months ago was the big day. for years i’ve been dreading it - not wanting it to be here, pushing it out of my mind and out of my conversations, as far away as possible. and then about a year ago i read a book that changed me. probably forever. i read donald miller’s “a million miles in a thousand years.” life changing? really bree? yes, and here’s why.

before reading this book i would say things like, “i LOVE going horseback riding” or “i really want to give away 10% more of my income” or “ya, i’d totally do the 10k mudrun with you.” i said all of those things but wasn’t living them. this book pushed me out from the saying and reading and dreaming into the living. out of this birthed the “30 before 30 list.” this book and this way of living for a year also made me view my 30th birthday differently. i started thinking that maybe it’s not so bad. maybe all my friends in their early to mid 30’s aren’t crazy after all and it really is better than your 20’s in some ways. and maybe, just maybe life itself was worth celebrating in an epic way instead of feeling sorry for myself.

and epic it was. 30 people plus myself boarded a boat in long beach on the 30th of october to celebrate my 30th birthday. ridiculous. we had a theme for each night, i had t-shirts printed up and it was an a-list cast. some best friends from all the way back in junior high, my entire immediate family, my college roommate, my orange county roommates, my current roommate, my boyfriend and all of his roommates, friends i worked at church with, a friend who somehow always ends up on epic adventures with me, the santa barbara crew and some orange county hooligans. honestly, i can’t tell you how blessed i am by the people who were willing to take off work and pay to come play for my birthday. my heart overflows with thankfulness.

from waterslides to sushi bars, from champion hairy-chest contest winners to the champion of the blackjack tournament, from friends that snuck tequila on from mexico to friends that wore red lipstick just for me, from a blowhole in mexico to hole in the wall cantinas, we lived it up. we danced late into the night, ate multiple meals per day, laughed harder than i had in a long time and just loved being together. it was the perfect way to depart my 20’s. literally perfect. what i am learning from donald miller and his life and writings is this: life is meant to be lived - at any age, at every moment. we honor God with the way we choose to live our lives in each given season and dang it, i have the freedom and flexibility to do so much right now, so i’m committed to it.

i did the mud run, i went horseback riding, i gave 10% more, i spent 3 days in solitude with Jesus, i booked my next epic international adventure. and i did almost all 30 things. i did things that scare me and things that make me tick. i did things that weren’t possible and things i’ve always said i wanted to do. and i “cruised” into this next decade in the best way i could think of - spending 3 days with some of the people i love the most, celebrating, laughing, remembering and creating new memories. and i loved every stinkin’ minute of it. moving forward is no longer scary, it’s just the next adventure in this crazy thing called life. i believe that God’s got me in the palm of his hand and that he directs my every step - my job is to be obedient and to live by faith, so let’s do this thing. next up? 40 before 40 (with 10 years to accomplish it this time)!

.#29 - read a book per month.

2011-01-11T22:35:00.000-08:00

so the motivation behind this little ditty was that i finished grad school and realized that one of two things was happening. either 1) i felt guilty for reading anything except for really intense theology books or 2) i stopped reading altogether. the latter was happening more often than i liked, so i decided to do something about it. i decided to commit to reading one book per month for an entire year. it didn’t matter what book i read as long as i read something. so worth it. so doing it again next year.

so here you go - the books and one thing they taught me:

october ’09 - “a million miles in a thousand years” by donald miller.
this book is what partially inspired my 30 before 30 list. this book pushed me out from the saying and reading and dreaming into the living. so i resolved this year to become someone who does hard things, challenges myself and is who i say i am. it’s truly been revolutionary for me.

november - “guernsey literary & potato peel society” by mary ann shaffer
i’ve always wanted to be in a book club so i started one... and then i moved. but this was our second book. it was a novel and a quick read. one of those “make you feel good” books that entertains you and makes your heart happy. i liked it but am not sure it was worth purchasing being that i read it in a day. i need a library card.

december - “mere discipleship” by lee camp
one word: challenging. if you’ve read “the cost of discipleship,” this is similar. the urgency to truly become a disciple of Christ and not just a follower of a religion is prominent in this book and is still convicting my own heart and life. this is my favorite quote from the book: “...it is not our task to make things turn out right, but instead to be faithful witnesses. We will have to trust that God will be God, and do what God has promised.” read it and be changed.

january - “say you’re one of them” by uwem akpan
i went to africa last summer. this book is about, about poverty, about kids, about brokenness, about the reality that’s happening around the world that we often choose to ignore. it hit pretty close to home and reminded me of my responsibility to do something about what i’ve seen and heard.

february - “gracias” by henri nouwen
pure gold. this book was in my top 3 of the year. it’s nouwen’s journal from his time in south america that they published. it’s real and raw and truth-telling and phenomenal. i had all of my leaders read it for leader training before mission trips. it changed us - as individuals and as a community. i think about it and refer to quotes from it often.

march - “life of the beloved” by henri nouwen
this was a beautiful reminder of something i so often forget: i am His beloved, i have already been chosen, His favor rests on me. i so badly needed to hear the truth in this book (so badly, in fact that a year and a half ago, i tattooed the world “beloved” on my body because i so often forget!). nouwen graciously reminds us that we love because He first loved us and because we are His beloved, we have the confidence to go and be love to the world because that’s what we’ve been sent to do.

april - “cross-cultural servanthood” by duane elmer
i read this for work. i learned alot about Jesus and life as a result. sweet that i get to do that for work. it reminded me of the difficulties and challenges we face when we cross cultures in the name of Jesus. so much is lost in translation and so often we think we have something to offer. we are to go into that culture and serve, not to be served or to bring anything we thing is of value. This is my take home: “Jesus came to show us what life in the kingdom looked like, not to modify how the world did things.” - Gene Wilkes.

may - “strengths based leadership” by
this is the leadership version of “strengths finder” - a personality tool used by teams everywhere to analyze your giftings as and individual and then to combine them as a team and see how God knit everyone together for his beautiful purpose. This leadership book points to qualities in a leader that are most serving to those you lead and also give practical tools on how to lead people with certain strengths.

june - “weight of glory” by c.s. lewis
a pastor i greatly respect from our church was leading a study on this book. when i heard about the combination of mike plus c.s. lewis, i jumped on it. it’s an amazing book by one of the most brilliant authors of all time. it taught me about relationships, about heaven and about how relationships are all that truly matter this side of heaven and we have a responsibility to treat people well and to point them to Jesus.

july - “the paradox of choice” by tom rath
a pastor friend from rock harbor recommended this book long ago and the reason i chose to pick it up is that the whole premise is speaking to the reality happening in the upcoming generations that they are given way too many choices and so they choose nothing, which spirals into adolescence lasting until their late 20’s and them never being able to commit to anything. interesting stuff.

august - “the queen of the road” by doreen orion
so i thought it was time for a novel after months of intense reading. bad idea. this was my least favorite book. at first i found her funny and endearing, but soon, annoying and repetitive. i know it seems harsh but i was over it. and august was busy. there wasn’t time for nonsense and it was nonsense... with great cocktail recipes.

september - “bittersweet” by shauna niequist
unbelievable. it’s in the top two on my list for this year. she, donald miller & c.s. lewis blew my mind. truly. i’d read her first book, “cold tangerines” a few years back and found myself changed by it, profoundly. and then i picked up “bittersweet” as soon as it came out. oh my soul. it challenged me to live and to love differently. she writes so conversationally and makes you understand more both God and reality. shauna is a brilliant writer whom i had the privilege of briefly meeting this year. rad.

october - “radical” by david platt
i loved and hated this book. is that okay to say? i loved it because there was so much truth in it and it did compel me to do more for the kingdom. i’m grateful for that. however, i felt his approach was pretty harsh and almost “guilting” you into becoming a Christian that does more for the kingdom. i very much prefer the humble inspiration of the book below when i’m thinking about how to change the world for Jesus :)

*november - “the hole in our gospel” by richard stearns
my mind is currently being blown. i was in europe and this was my reading material of choice for my journey after 4 recommendations . i’m not even kidding when i tell you that this book is life-changing. it the humble inspiration of one man’s life that is opening my eyes and turning me into a person who values what God values and sees nothing as mine, but all as HIS instead. i’m being wrecked & encouraged all at the same time. it’s legit. read it. #1 on the book list for 2010.

*i know i said a year & my year was up in october, but i could resist adding this book because it quickly crept all the way up to #1 on the list. just do it.

.five years.

2011-01-03T23:51:00.001-08:00

time seems to pass so quickly. all of a sudden we wake up and we’re putting up Christmas trees again and scrambling to find that perfect festive dish to bring to ugly sweater party number seven. each Christmas creates new memories and retrieves old ones from the recesses of our minds. they’re all different, but in some ways the same. there’s one that stands out to me - one that changed how Christmases will be for our family from that one forward. it was Christmas 2005. you see, a few weeks before Christmas, my phone rang in California. i was at a friend’s house watching a movie and my brother called from Texas and told me to he needed to talk. it was late in Texas. i knew something was amiss. so i walked outside and listened as he told me the sad news - he was getting divorced... at 26 years old.

my niece was 6 months old. this is what would forever change Christmas for our family. i remember that Christmas being a sad one. one filled with mixed emotions for all of us - deep sadness for my brother and my niece, anxiety about the future, frustration and a tinge of anger for the broken relationship, questions and prayer... lots of questions and prayer. and i’m sure my emotions pale in comparison to those of my brother - now a 26-year-old single dad with a new job, in a new town, all alone. i remember picking up my 6-month old niece from her mom and sitting in the back seat with her while my mom drove. she wrapped her chubby little hand around my finger and fell asleep in her car seat on the drive. uncontrollable tears started pouring down my cheeks for the innocent baby whose life was now in two different homes. they’re starting to come again even as i write this. i remember that Christmas being hard - watching my precious girl try to adjust to being without her mom, traveling with her to California and hearing her scream when we tried to put her to bed in her port-a-crib. she was so out of sorts and so sad. it broke my heart. i can’t imagine what it did to her dad who was doing a heck of a job loving and caring for her. i remember thinking, “i hope we never have a Christmas like this again” but yet that time with her was treasured.

every Christmas, my brother gets that sweet girl for a little more than a week, sometimes before Christmas, sometimes after. and every Christmas it’s gotten better, easier, less tears, more just a part of life. i remember the joy of that next Christmas...

that little girl was now one and a half. she was walking and doing her best to say Bree - “Bee” and all she wanted to do was laugh and play. that has been typical, every Christmas since then. she is probably the biggest joy in my life, that girl. and every time i say goodbye to her after being with her for a few days at Christmas, i close the car door and as soon as she’s out of sight, the tears fall. i think partly because i love her so stinkin’ much and it’s hard to not see her whenever i want to. i think partly because i remember that first Christmas of her life and how hard it was. i think mostly because of God’s sweet redemptive power and the fact that this well-adjusted kid has a loving step-dad and a loving step-mom now and has two in-tact homes with an infant sister in one and a baby on the way in the other. the tears are bittersweet.

and someday... someday i’ll tell Cameron these stories and we’ll laugh and we’ll cry. but for now, me and that awesome 5-year-old get to crimp our hair for ugly sweater parties and experience the joy of Christmas. i stand amazed at the healing, restoration and grace that God has given us in just five years.

.blessed are the flexible.

2010-12-25T21:53:00.000-08:00

“blessed are the flexible for they shall not be broken.” this was the mantra of a training i did for a bunch of missionaries last summer. what I’m learning is that it’s a good life rule to live by. you see, i’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed this, but women tend to like to control things. you’ll be shocked to know this is true of me and that I like order. gasp. who knew?

well, the main man in my life turned 29 this week and we had great celebration plans for the day of his birth which began with a weekend in northern california attending a few pro sports games and loving doing life with great friends.
i returned home and went straight to bed - exhausted from the bliss that was our weekend. the next morning i walked into the kitchen only to experience what may have been one of my saddest moments. i had planned ahead and saved some good steaks from my dad and a piece of recently-caught salmon from a friend and was intending on making the “perfect” surf and turf dinner for my guy’s birthday. it was gonna be awesome. i had bought a few things i’d need and was beyond excited to be able to celebrate him with our motley crew of friends on his actual birthday.

i walked into the kitchen and audibly gagged. the smell resembled a meat market in a third world country and the sight was tragic - salmon juice and meat blood on the tile floor. i was close to tears. i opened the freezer and by the pungent smell and the looks of things, the fridge had gone out about friday... it was now monday morning. what’s the first thing you do in the kitchen when you’re uncertain about something? call your mom of course. the worst was confirmed... surf and turf birthday dinner was doomed for the trash can. i plugged my nose and begrudgingly threw away the most beautiful slab of salmon and a few prime steaks. i texted the birthday guy and told him the sad news. It was then that my friend charlie’s mantra began to play in my head... and i remembered to be flexible. i told him that we would certainly celebrate him, even if it meant ordering pizza and it would be a good night.

it’s been almost 2 weeks since the incident and i’m finally not too traumatized to write about it. turns out his roommate came to the rescue and bbqued some ribs and everything else on the menu was do-able, even without a fridge. i was so grateful for lots of helping hands and friends to bail me out. but bigger than that, i think something happened in me. i was given permission to cry and to be sad and to grieve the loss of my “oh-so-perfect-birthday-dinner-for-my-guy.” okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but... i remembered the mantra and didn’t break down. instead i was flexible and i was not broken. for certain there are times when brokenness is appropriate and healthy, but this was once of those situations where I had a choice. so I chose flexibility over control. and we celebrated and he felt loved and we all went home with full tummies and overflowing hearts.
i’m grateful for charlie and his wisdom. it turns out that when I am flexible and willing to surrender control, i am not broken and i’m way more fun to be around. lesson one of many I’m sure.

.#24, 25, 26, 27, 28 - the five that got away.

2010-12-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

now here is where you say, "you are lame, bree." you committed to 30 before 30 and you only did 25. and here is where i say, "i don't receive your criticism. i've done more than my share of self-criticizing and have landed on 25 before 30 as being 1) pretty darned good and 2) fine with me because it's really how old i feel anyways, so i think it all evens out." yes? yes.

so here they are, in no particular order - the 5 that got away...

#24 - climb halfdome at yosemite. the dealio with this is that i was scheduled to go up there in may. i learned a day or two prior to departure that in order to climb halfdome, you now have to make a reservation. are you kidding? it's not like we're going out for a fancy dinner, we're just trying to beat our out-of-climbing-shape bodies to a pulp, that's all, and you want me to make a reservation? well, naturally that put a damper on the entire trip and so i bailed. or shall i say postponed...

#25 - go to joshua tree - well, there's really not a brilliant excuse for this one besides that i moved two hours FURTHER from joshua tree than i had been living and it's a tough thing to do when you're over 4 hours away. so i just didn't make it a priority. this one also, postponed...

#26 - go to oregon & idaho - clearly i call an epic fail on the travel adventures i had planned for the year, yikes! i never got to these places, they are still on my list, i'd still love to see them both, there just seems to be no way to get it all done with the few weekends i have nothing planned... priorities, priorities. guess what? postponed.

#27 - see george strait in concert - i had one opportunity to do this. in san antonio. may 1. a sweet friend of mine was trying to use his backstage connections to get me tickets and guess what? turns out i couldn't go. bust! i am uber lame, but i had to work that day, it was probably in my 4 top most important days of the year for work. can't back out of that one and if you recall, when i started this 30 before 30 idea, i was jobless, so i'm truly grateful for having to miss this one.

#28 - learn to surf - sore subject. turns out santa barbara never got a summer. it was cold and kinda wet and the water was FRIGID for the entire summer and still is. turns out surfing didn't happen. turns out i got a boyfriend who's an avid surfer and is bummed i didn't learn. turns out i'm not sure i'd like it if i did learn. turns out there's been a few shark attacks lately & that freaks me out. turns out i'm going to new zealand in april & should probably have some basic knowledge by then. turns out i'm not sure when that's gonna happen. hmmm... this one's interesting. stay tuned, you may or may not hear more.

so, here's my public apology. i'm sorry i've failed you and not followed through with 5 of the 30. accept this and let's remain friends.

stay tuned for the last 2... including the epic birthday bash.

.#23 - dinner party.

2010-12-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

you could just throw a dinner party for the sake of throwing a dinner party, sure. who wouldn’t love that? oh wait, me. i’ve got to have a good reason to turn my house upside down, spend a boat load of money on groceries & special treats and stress myself out to the max. so this is one of the ones on my list that i put off as long as possible.

don’t get me wrong, i totes love a good hang out sesh at my house and the party people know they are welcome anytime, but those are night and day different from having a dinner party. well, my reason came. and i wish i could have blogged about it before my birthday, but considering it was a surprise, i couldn’t exactly tell the whole internet, especially since the guest of honor reads my blog.

one of my very best friends was about to get engaged. she had NO CLUE, but a selected few of us did. more like 20 of us that were scheduled to come to my house for a surprise engagement party right after the proposal. jon, the plan man clued me in in september - september people, for a december engagement. my poor boyfriend was doing all he could to not let the cat out of the bag the times he saw her in those 2 months and the rest of us spent at least a month lying through our teeth to the poor girl. but we pulled it off.

on december 4, jon thiele asked my girl erin schoenwald to spend the rest of her life with him. he liked it, he put a ring on it, she said yes. and that was the first shock of the day. imagine what was going through her mind when she pulled up to my house and found 20 of her closest friends & her parents from minnesota standing in the driveway, eager to celebrate. priceless team, this day was priceless. so worth every penny and every second of stress. at one point in the process, my sweet boyfriend called me, “a level 3 hurricane” which is my family’s nickname for my mom because she is absolutely out of control when it comes to entertaining and having things just right. but he was right, i’ll admit it. and he was a patient, selfless champ who did without being asked and let me check out when the day was done.

and it was beautiful. it wasn’t really “dinner” per se because our meal was at about 3pm, but we had a full meal, cheesecake, a champagne toast, decorations, borrowed tables and chairs and the whole shebang. it was great. you can ask my guy how often he’d prefer that i throw those kind of parties, my guess would be about once a year ;) but it was amazing. they are so worth celebrating. our great God answered a ridiculous amount of prayers in uniting their lives and he has great things in store for them. great things. so we celebrated. and we’ll do so again in august, on the day they become husband and wife... thankfully that one’s up to the parents.

.His kingdom or mine.

2010-11-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

i feel like God is "calling me out" these days and calling me into something much bigger than me. He's been asking the question: "Whose kingdom are you investing in, mine or yours?"

Psalm 82:3 "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless;
maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.
4Rescue the weak and needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

God is continuing to push me forward and not letting me sit still or quiet, which 1) totally moves me out of my comfort zone and 2) gets me really pumped for how he's changing my life and breaking my heart for the things that break His. So I'm presenting you with 2 next steps in my life and the opportunity to get involved in 2 bigger stories in His kingdom across the globe.

1) Surgery for the baby in Romania

I wrote this email about 10 days ago from Romania. It was about a little girl, whose name I've since learned is Maria. Here was the post I wrote from Romania:

"just this morning, a 6 month old baby girl was brought in with fluid on her brain. her parents left her at the hospital because they can't do anything with her. she needs a shunt put it in, a simple 40 minute procedure but they can't get the medical care for her so she likely will die soon unless they do. i put my hand on her little chest and she just sobbed and grabbed my hand tightly with her little fingers. i left the room in tears knowing there was literally nothing i could do to help this innocent baby who, in the states would have gotten surgery long ago. it doesn't seem fair.

so today i have been sweetly broken by these kids. their stories, their smiles, their tears, their lives have made their mark on my heart and i won't ever be the same. feeding a baby her bottle knowing that most of the time she feeds herself lying in a crib because there aren't enough hands to hold her. holding the tiny fingers of a little girl whose life might be taken from her because she can't get surgery. praying for Jesus to take a couple of these kids home because the way they're living is truly not living at all. my heart is broken for these beautiful little people. and i'm humbled by the work that Nann and her team are doing and the time they're putting in to find homes for these kids and caring for the ones who don't have homes. it is truly the heart of God."

I wrote in that email that "there was literally nothing I could do to help this innocent baby." It turns out God is still changing me. I've thought about sweet Maria daily since I got home. I've prayed for her and her little hands gripping mine and her innocent tears have made me no longer able to turn a blind eye. Her parents want her back. They brought her to the hospital because they were at their wit's end and knew it was better for her to either get help or die there than in their home. I want to get her back home. She needs a 40 minute procedure on her brain to drain the fluid and put a shunt in. It's a simple deal and she can go home. So we are going to get her surgery. That's what I feel called to do. God is changing me and teaching me that helping this one precious little girl is something I CAN do. It is tangible and it will save a life - a life that matters to him.

Because Maria has been on my heart since I got back and God is asking me to not sit here and "do nothing" about this, I am raising money to get her surgery. There is an urgency because her condition will ultimately kill her. The surgery is only $1000 and $300 was raised this weekend through one of our churches in the Presbytery!

2) My trip to Haiti in January

I have been presented with the opportunity to go and help lead a trip in Haiti with Operation HOPE! There will be about 30 on the team and we will be going to work with an American doctor there who is loving on the broken people of Montrouis, Haiti. I will be helping with this trip in order to see if we can bring a crew from this area later in the year on an IMPACT trip. So it's a scouting trip with an opportunity to serve the least of these in a country of broken people who I believe are close to the heart of our God. Haiti has been on my heart since the earthquake and I haven't known how to move forward in getting an IMPACT team on the ground or helping however we can... until I was presented with this opportunity. We will have a medical team working with earthquake victims as well as a community team working with orphans. I know this will change me as well - to see the extremely dire needs of those in Haiti and to be able to love them because that's what Christ would do. How do you come back the same? I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity and feel like I can't pass it up. Because IMPACT paid for my Europe scouting trip, there is not money in the budget to this trip, but I feel called to go and feel like it's worth the investment, both for myself and for the future of IMPACT.

The cost for the entire Haiti trip is $1200. Again, if you want to write a tax-free donation, those checks can be made out to Operation HOPE. The money for this trip is also due in the next 2 weeks.

Here are the two ways which I feel like God is calling me out of my own kingdom and deeper into His and I'm simply inviting you into the story. I know many of you give to many other things, so don't feel obligated, just let me know if these are things you feel called to participate in. I'd love to include you!

.being changed.

2010-11-16T23:51:00.000-08:00

Thank you all SO much for praying for my trip. It truly was amazing in so many ways and I am in the process of being profoundly changed by it. I had a great time in Holland at the end of my trip and got to spend a significant amount of time hanging out with family that I don't often get to see. It was fun to share my experiences with them as they are not regular church attenders. They were so excited and receptive to what I was doing for work and how God was changing my life. We had some amazing conversations. Holland gave me a renewed appreciation for my culture and my heritage but more than anything made me realize what exactly it was my grandpa walked away from at 20 years old to come to the states to create a life and start a business for himself here. That was a really really big deal and I think this is the first time I realized how hard that must have been and exactly what he was sacrificing. I'm grateful. Here's a couple of pictures :)

I've not totally processed my experiences yet and I'm sure will continue to do so for quite some time, but I did get my first chance to share this morning at a church and to invite people into the bigger story of IMPACT. It's a story that belongs to our great God, that he's writing and we just get to be characters in His story, should we choose to listen and to obey. It was hard to re-hash the reality of what I saw in the orphanage that day and encouraging to get to ask people to come and build a church in Albania. I'm speaking from a different place having been there myself and there were about 7 moms/grandmas who signed up for more information on the "rocking babies" trip! Due to popular demand I may have to find more ministries that rock babies so that all who want to go can go!

From the imam, the Albanian pastors, the Romanian orphans & missionaries, I learned that what we do matters - for us, for them, for the kingdom. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful for the ways I'm being changed.

Next stop... Haiti in January!

.sweetly broken.

2010-11-07T07:14:00.000-08:00

today i'm in romania. and i've been broken by what i've seen. i'm staying with a new friend, Nannette who has been a missionary here for the last 17 years. the work she does is truly amazing. it's been a gift and such a God thing to have my friend Phil here as well. he's been my cousin's best friend since they were kids and recently moved here to do ministry for a season, it's been fun to have some americans to stay with and chat with and so fun to be hanging out with phil in romania, something we never could have dreamt up! God is good.

i spent the afternoon yesterday hearing all about ROCK ministry and the projects they do here in romania, so i was beyond excited today to get to see their work firsthand and experience what God is doing in this little hospital in bucharest. basically Nann has taken on the task of providing care and trying to find foster homes for abandoned kids. she is living out the gospel in an amazing way. the hospital allows ROCK to use 2 of their extra rooms free of charge to keep their kids. Nann has 12 staff total, 4 of which work at the hospital. what you see there is unbelievable. lily was the only one working today and she was caring for THIRTEEN kids BY HERSELF. she is an absolute saint.

in the upstairs room were six babies all between 1-10 months. oh my precious. and they have ONE caretaker today. for all six of them and the other 7 downstairs. unreal. these kids have all been abandoned by their parents, some of whom "say" they will come back for them. i heard stories today that alot of their parents are gypsy beggars and leave their kids to be fed/cared for until they're old enough to eat solid food and then they come back for them and use them to beg. it's absolutely devastating because these are the most lovable babies in the world.

this little guy, florin is seriously SO precious. he just laughs and smiles and wants to be held. he particularly likes men, they think because it's pretty rare that he sees men. when phil put him down to leave, he sobbed. when there's no one to hold them or play with them, they crawl around in the cribs and try to keep themselves entertained. it's so tragic because they truly just want to be held and given attention.

this little one, isabella wanted me to hold her for the better part of an hour, she just laid on my lap, content to just be held. we spent an hour or so with these babies today just loving on them and giving them much needed attention and affection.

the downstairs room is a WHOLE different ball game. it is a room with 6 special needs kids who have been dropped off by their parents because either they don't want them or can't care for them. it is seriously the saddest thing you'll ever see. Nann said there's some of these kids that they often pray will just be taken home to Jesus because the way they're living is seriously no way to live. it was traumatizing to see these kids and humbling to watch lily feed, bathe and change all 13 of them by herself until we arrived to help.

just this morning, a 6 month old baby girl was brought in with fluid on her brain. her parents left her at the hospital because they can't do anything with her. she needs a shunt put it in, a simple 40 minute procedure but they can't get the medical care for her so she likely will die soon unless they do. i put my hand on her little chest and she just sobbed and grabbed my hand tightly with her little fingers. i left the room in tears knowing there was literally nothing i could do to help this innocent baby who, in the states would have gotten surgery long ago. it doesn't seem fair.

so today i have been sweetly broken by these kids. their stories, their smiles, their tears, their lives have made their mark on my heart and i won't ever be the same. feeding a baby her bottle knowing that most of the time she feeds herself lying in a crib because there aren't enough hands to hold her. holding the tiny fingers of a little girl whose life might be taken from her because she can't get surgery. praying for Jesus to take a couple of these kids home because the way they're living is truly not living at all. my heart is broken for these beautiful little people. and i'm humbled by the work that Nann and her team are doing and the time they're putting in to find homes for these kids and caring for the ones who don't have homes. it is truly the heart of God.

he continues to teach me daily what he's about and i'm seeing him the faces of these precious ones, in the vision and dreams of an Albanian pastor, in the sweat and tears of these missionaries who've given everything so that the name of Jesus might be proclaimed. grateful to be on this journey with these kingdom-minded saints.

.how the imam changed me.

2010-11-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

It’s 5am. I’m in Albania. I should be asleep. Instead I’m being awakened by the unfamiliar sound of the imam and his call to prayer. I jump up in my little hotel bed and forget where I am for a moment. Someone is chanting, it’s dark, I’m by myself (a creepy feeling, I can assure you). I then look around and remember that I’m here in Albania and that there is a Muslim call to prayer every morning at 5. It’s something I’ve always known happens, but something I’ve never experienced myself.

At first I think it’s kind of cool, to experience something this foreign to me. And then I think it’s kind of annoying, to be woken up at 5 am by someone chanting for what seems like an awfully long time, especially when you can’t understand the words. And then I’m reminded of how important it is that my friend Zef is pastoring an evangelical church down the street. I am reminded of how much a country like this desperately needs the love of Jesus and the hope that he has to offer. And I know it’s important that I’m here, to bring life and encouragement and find out how we can serve. And then... then I’m struck with the notion that these people, 5 times a day, like clockwork are reminded to pray. And they do. They pray to a god who I don’t believe can redeem souls and bring peace.

Here I am. Laying in bed annoyed that I’ve been awakened by a call to prayer to Allah and it’s not until then that I’m truly awakened to the fact that these people have something I don’t. They are dedicated to praying to their God, 5 times per day, without fail and they call others to it and remind them to do it because they believe it matters. And me? Most of the time pray when I feel like it, when I’m afraid, when I need something, when someone else needs something. I don’t pray continuously nor to do I very often call others in my life to prayer.

So the second morning in Albania, something different happened. I was awakened by the imam’s call to prayer and I welcomed it. I laid in bed and I prayed, to a God I believe can change everything and answers prayers. I prayed for the Young Life banquet that happened to be going on at home at that exact moment. I prayed for the people God has put in my life. I prayed for the church here in Albania and the groundwork that Zef and Altin are trying to set. I prayed for people’s lives in Albania to be changed because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I prayed for the imam and others, that they might know Christ. I prayed for things I haven’t been reminded to pray for in years. And at that moment I was very grateful for 5am and for the imam calling me to prayer because prayer matters, especially when it’s prayer to a God who hears, receives and answers prayers. God is changing me, in ways I’d least expect. I’m humbled and thankful for this journey.

.an adventure with Jesus.

2010-11-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

i am here in Amsterdam. and STOKED about it. i'm just at the airport but i can't WAIT to come back here next week and hang out with my family for a few days before returning to the states. the smell of Dutch pancakes (pannekoeken) cooking, the Dutch cow art exhibit and the tulips planted all around is making my heart happy. it feels like home. you're right mom, i am so Dutch (and i blame you... and dad).

before i continue i must let you know that i DO plan on blogging about the remainder of my 30 before 30 list including last week's epic celebration, just give me a little time.

now back to this adventure. i am here for only 8 days in europe. it seems to short, but i know it's as long as i could get away this time of year & just as long as God wants me here. i left yesterday in a pile of tears (thank you boyfriend for your prayers and kindness through it) and was just feeling really unsettled and somewhat anxious about the whole thing. while i know in my heart that God's got me in the palm of his hand and that this is really no big deal, i couldn't convince my head of that. partly because it's my first overseas solo adventure and also partly because i hadn't taken the time to spiritually or mentally prepare for this trip (possibly due to an epic celebration consuming my time last weekend).

but we're cool now. me and Jesus. by the time i got to LAX & got checked in i'd changed my tone. me and Jesus are on a european adventure this week. i got to spend some time on the first flight praying for each of the people i'll be meeting with and the ministries i'll be seeing. He's invited me in to see what's going on in his kingdom in Albania and Romania and my job is just to show up and to love people and hear their stories and offer what we can as IMPACT to help them further their piece of the kingdom. when you put it that way, it's a pretty sweet gig. packing/preparing/flying the first leg was the hardest part. home free from here!

i'll be trying to email updates/post blogs as often as possible, and my parents & my guy will be getting texts from me, so if you want to know the text updates, contact my mom (barb) via facebook & she'll gladly add you to the "update me" text messages. but i should get wireless just about everywhere i am so this might be the easiest way to keep up with me & Jesus in europe this week. feel free to send texts as receiving them is free on this end. just can't send them for free from here.

continue to pray for safe travel & for rest. i'm exhausted, but excited. i'll have been traveling over 24 hours by the time i get to albania tonight. yikes! next stop... Rome.

i can't wait to make new Albanian and Romanian friends and i'm VERY excited to see where Jesus takes me on this adventure. thanks for your prayers!

dewey (Dutch for goodbye!)

.#22 - give away 10% more.

2010-10-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

"give" - to entrust to another, usually for a specified reason

this is the definition of "give" that most lines up with and inspires why i chose this one. the Bible calls us to give, to share the resources we've been given, to walk in the knowledge that NOTHING we have is ours. all of it is a gift. we've done nothing to deserve the gifts we have; therefore, they should be abundantly shared and given away. it is NOT AN OPTION in the kingdom. so my goal in this was to live in such a way that the kingdom of God would more and more be manifested in and through my life - that i might be changed by the giving of my resources to others and that the kingdom might be advanced as a result.

the extra percentage was so that i might learn what it's like to "sacrificially give." by this i mean, not just give out of the excess but give up something that i myself would like to have in order that someone else might be blessed. God is working in me. i won't lie. he has called me to save money for some things i cannot yet see. he's called me to give to some causes i really believe in and to give to some places i've never heard of. he's called me to help friends in need and to go to other countries and love on people in his name. he has called me out. out of comfortable, out of myself, out of where i'd like to remain. at some points in this last year's journey, i've wondered why the heck this was on my list and why it was something i was learning in this season. this week - the week that i turn 30, i've just started to learn some of those reasons.

some of my best friends, the goodfellows, are taking their 4 little kids and moving their lives to Peru for a cause called krochet kids which essentially brings life and a future to many women without hope. they are giving up their ENTIRE LIVES for this cause, that they may be the hands and feet of Christ in Lima. i love them and can't wait to join them in their journey.

some other friends, the fox's, are jumping into a church plant that i absolutely can get behind and are needing to partially raise their own salary. this is huge kingdom stuff, effecting the lives of thousands of college students and young adults. i believe in it.

some other friends are adopting from ghana and others from uganda and can't carry the weight of adoption fees on their own. i am blown away to get the chance to invest in bringing their boy home and caring for an orphan who would otherwise have no home and no parents.

i am seeing how God is taking my idea of what i want to do with my resources and turning it upside down and saying, "no, these resources weren't yours to begin with, they're mine. the needs are great. follow me, you'll be amazed what i'll show you and how i'll change you through giving." so i'm on a journey with this. i'm learning what it means to sacrificially give. i'm not great at it yet, but i'm workin' on it. i told my boyfriend the other night, "i spend SO much of my time on money on building my kingdom and forgetting about God's because mine (the vacations, pedicures, dinners out, etc) seems so much more appealing and tangible than something I can't see." but you know what, it's empty, pale and poor compared to investing in God's kingdom and getting to see the amazing things he'll do in and through me.

as richard stearns puts it in his book "The Hole in Our Gospel":

"The point is He wants us to embrace a kingdom view of our money, possessions, and abilities, recognizing that all we have comes from Him. He wants us to hold them lightly and be willing to use them on His behalf. Three clear principles, then, differentiate the scriptural view of our money from the "American Dream" view:

1) It's not our money - it all comes from God.
2) We are not "entitled to" it but "entrusted with" it.
3) Got expects us to use it in the interest of His kingdom."

so in this next season, i will take the needs of those around me - those i know and love and those who are strangers and i will do my best to "feed the hungry and stand beside the broken and to fight for the orphan" because those are things close to the heart of my God. i would, without a doubt say that this was my most life-changing 30 before 30 commitment and the one that will bring HIM the most glory. i am a work in progress and will keep you updated on how our good God continues to call me forward in this.

.#21 - purchase a really great dress.

2010-10-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

while this is a sad story, it's also not so sad. i mean how could really great dresses be sad?!?! oh right, when you can't find one for your 30th birthday cruise. that's when they can be sad. right...

so i've been saving up this one for right before the cruise because my plan was to get a stinkin' cute yellow dress for the cruise and be able to wear it on my birthday and it be awesome. epic fail. i started looking last week and guess what? there is NO YELLOW TO BE FOUND in october. none. unless i'm a size 0 or a size 16 and it's all that's left on the clearance rack. therefore, this changes 2 things:
1) this blog post b/c there's no cute picture of a really great dress on the cruise (which was the goal)
2) my bitterness toward dress shopping & my new knowledge to not wait till the last minute to look

redeeming factor?

i did find a G-R-E-A-T dress earlier in the summer, not yellow, but awesome... and awesome with yellow accessories. i wore it to my boyfriend's sister's wedding in september, but i can prove it's greatness and i do believe it qualifies as "purchasing a really great dress" in the last year. you can't argue with that one.

so here it is, the really great dress.... far away and then close up (a.k.a. - lovely & then more like it). i <3 it.

thank you francesca's in la jolla. you've helped me complete number 21.

.#20 - ravish me red.

2010-10-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

oh the red lipstick weekend. i knew it would be epic, but i had no idea just how epic it would be. you see, i got a brilliant idea a few weeks ago... one of my best friends in the whole world is a red-head (actually 2 of them are, i'm so lucky). but the one that lives close to me happened to have her golden birthday last weekend and was planning on visiting. so my brilliant idea? to do "red lipstick weekend" on the weekend of her red-headed golden birthday. epic? i think so.

so erin arrived in santa barbara friday evening and i was armed with red lipstick in hand. it was called "ravish me red"

here are the weekend highlights:
- we were hardcore. and by hardcore i mean the only time we weren't wearing red lipstick was when we were sleeping. we wore it out to eat, sitting around the fire pit, on the beach, while we ate, even in the car.

- my awesome friend rachel even decided she wanted to participate in the fun... and yes, this picture did get sent to our boyfriends, i mean who wouldn't wanna kiss those red lips?

- speaking of kissing red lips, my boyfriend didn't so much want to participate in the wearing of red lipstick... at least not on his lips... sneak attack? duh...

- we discovered that there are people who wear red lipstick on a daily basis, so we might have been the only ones who thought we looked totally weird and out of place. i mean, we spent the weekend laughing at what is a normal daily event for some women. mind-boggling!

- by the end of the weekend we were quite comfortable with our red-lipstick wearing and decided it wouldn't be a huge deal to wear it again. in fact, by day 3, my boyfriend complimented me on my dress coordinating well with my red lipstick. epic, i tell you, epic.

and something i've always wanted to do... for the birthday brunch of my red-headed friend, we got mimosas and let me tell you, you knew which girls in the restaurant were drinking those mimosas... the ones with the red lipstick, duh... we left our mark.

so here's to red lipstick birthday weekend for my red-headed friend... (and my boyfriend for putting up with us all weekend and her boyfriend for probably being all the wiser and leaving the state for the weekend), and to many more epic weekends.

erin, your friendship has been an absolute gift in my life. my faith, my life and my love for all things red have been eternally impacted by you. thanks for participating in an epic weekend and for loving me well.

.i wanna.

2010-09-15T11:42:00.001-07:00

lately i've been more inspired to do the things i've always wanted to do. to go after stuff i haven't wanted to go after for a long time. i think part of that is a change of pace - a new place to live, new friendships, new goals, etc. i think part of that is reading books like "bittersweet"

by a writer named shauna niequist who i feel like i'm friends with, even though at best, she's a friend of a friend. it's inspiring me in ways i haven't been inspired in years as did her first book (cold tangerines). i think part of it is seeing how my sort of friend kristen is inspiring and growing the students she teaches. i think the other part of it is being in a relationship with someone who asks hard questions like, "what would you do if no one stopped you?" or "have you ever thought about writing?" or "start praying about God opening up those doors again." i think the biggest part of it is my Creator, who made me with the gifts he made me with is helping me find out the best way to use those gifts to expand HIS kingdom, not mine. so here's my little list of "i wanna's" that's been finding it's way from the recesses of my brain to the forefront and causing me to think, to dream, to remember, to get scared and excited all at the same time. so Father, i invite you into my "i wanna's" and i tell you do do what YOU wanna do with them. use them to glorify your name.

i wanna...

- start writing more (which inevitably means less people time, yikes! have you met me?)
- start reading more (which is essential when you want to write more and also means less people time)
- learn the guitar and do it well so that i can use the gifts i don't use very often & learn to speak through music
- teach again (did i just say that?!?!? that's a whole other blog post that i'm not ready to verbalize yet)
- work with high school and college students again (shocker! ha.)
- get better at loving those in my life really really well (i feel like i've slacked at this lately)
- have people over for meals more often and ask how life is and really listen

so God, little by little would you grow those things in me and make me more like you by doing them.

.#13b - nate date...

2010-09-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

i remember putting this challenge before myself this year to go on 2 dates and i remember thinking, "this one is gonna be hard for me" and "i really pray that both dates are with the same guy" well, both of those things are true. it was hard for me to actually be vulnerable enough to let nathan know that i was interested. and hard to get on an airplane to seattle not totally knowing what was coming. and hard to trust God with something i so often like to control. but so worth it...

back in march, i went on a snowboarding retreat with my new church in santa barbara and met this crew of awesome peeps. we became friends. we did really fun things - like magic mountain & game nights & went out to eat & went camping and just did life together and did it well. in fact we still do. it's a good crew and they've been an absolute gift to get to know these last 7 months or so. getting to know this crew has also meant finding this unexpected connection and genuine friendship with nathan. and since i'm someone who values staying on topic, i'll skip a bit of the middle and go to our first date. after 4 months of hanging out and a couple weeks of realizing we liked each other, he put the offer out there to join him on a "companion pass"to seattle for the weekend, i said i'd love to be the one that goes as his "companion".

"companion" (in case you didn't know) is another word for "soon-to-be-girlfriend"

so in the only restaurant at the sacramento airport, nathan and i had our first date...
followed by a conversation that led to me becoming his girlfriend...
followed by dates, dates (including both our siblings' weddings!) and more dates to come...

these dates, and this man have been nothing short of God giving good gifts to his kids. He loves us enough that he orchestrated all this, because he's that good. in a season of spoiling me rotten (a great job, living in the most awesome place ever, a solid Jesus lovin' community of people...) i'd have to say nathan is on the top of that list. he is a man who loves Jesus with his whole being. he's humble and patient, tender and loyal, athletic and hilarious, brilliant and grounded. he's someone i respect and admire, someone with whom i share a passion first for Jesus and then for things like the beach, the mountains, high school ministry, traveling, family, good food and wine, i could go on and on...

i would say that's a successful date, my nate date.

.#19 - international adventure.

2010-08-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

one of my 30 before 30 was to have my next international adventure booked. well, i've booked not 1, not 2, but THREE international adventures in the last few months. looks like i undershot that one :) brace yourself for the itinerary de Bree for the next 8 months of my life. drumroll please...

late october (a.k.a. my birthday) - about 30 of us are going on a 3 night CRUISE TO MEXICO. i realize it's not all that international but i do believe it qualifies because you need a passport, right? i will blog more about this later because it serves a dual purpose in also being my epic 30th birthday celebration.

early november (a.k.a. the week after the cruise) - my awesome job is sending me to ALBANIA and ROMANIA. really? who am i? sometimes i wonder :) mostly i wonder because if i'm honest, i likely couldn't pick out those places on a map - so for your benefit and mine, a little geography refresher...

i get to go connect with some pastors in albania about sending a team this summer and i get to go meet with 2 new ministries in romania to talk about partnering with them this summer (one that rocks babies who've not had any physical touch and another that works with romanian street teenagers - amazing stuff). this trip is such an unknown for me, but i can't tell you how excited i am about it, it gets me pumped just typing this right now. i can't wait to tell the tales of HIS work there. and as an added bonus, i get to go to HOLLAND to visit my family on the way home - pure bliss!!!

early april (a.k.a. too far away) - 4 other friends and i found an offer we couldn't turn down - cheap flights to NEW ZEALAND with a 2 day teaser stop over in AUSTRALIA!!!!! this is kind of a dream for me and has been for a while, so we're pretty dog gone excited about this one. it'll be a 2 week trip over all and from what we've decided should involve alot of surfing (for the guys) and beach hangin' (for the girls), hiking, boating, sight seeing and making connections with some friends of friends over there. i am BEYOND EXCITED about this adventure.

one more thing (in 3 parts) off the list :) i'm bummed to tell you that i don't think yosemite, oregon/idaho or surfing are gonna happen, but i'm still determined to try my best. stay tuned...

.on loss.

2010-08-19T14:23:00.001-07:00

this week we lost a dear friend. a friend who was both sweet and sassy. a friend who fought a more than 10-year classy fight with a brain tumor. Claire Carey is with Jesus and while there's clearly a part of me that's saddened over the loss of a friend, there's part of me that's envious of where she is right now - the songs she's singing that have been sung for thousands of years, the dancing she's doing without needing any help, the talking she's doing without delay and without the struggle it's been to tell her brain to tell her mouth what to speak, but mostly the sweet interaction she's having with our gracious God who gave her to us, but now has called her home to Himself.

there is a sense of loss for those of us left behind. those of us who knew her only peripherally, those of us who got to spend time with her weekly at home group and those of us who were in her daily, even hourly life. it's for those that my heart hurts most. for her husband, her best friends, her family, her caretakers the last few years. there's no worse pain.

but there's something that happens when we lose someone.

we give ourselves permission to grieve - to cry, to pray, to talk about things we wouldn't normally, to drop everything else to be community for each other.

and there's something about this that i think is so healthy, so right.

after our home group spending time together last night doing just those things, i went home feeling somewhat relieved, feeling more peaceful, feeling more raw but simultaneously more put together than i did when i got there. why? because we need that. and we need that more often than just when there is loss. we need that regularly. we were meant to be known. so why do we only use tragedy as an excuse to cry, be honest, drop all other things to be family? my resolve is to do this more often... to be family for those He's put in my life and to be real and give others permission to do the same whether times are good or bad.

Claire Carey, thanks for trusting that God is good despite your inability to understand your circumstances and thanks for using your life as a testimony of that. and thanks for making us family this week. we will miss you here, but will see you there when He calls us home.

.a heart spilling out.

2010-07-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

Tears are how the heart speaks. I know that when tears come to the surface and I get the lump in my throat that I used to get when I would get dropped off at summer camp for 2 weeks – something’s happening in my heart, it's spilling out in the best way it knows how.

And at that juncture, I have 2 choices – 1) embrace it or 2) fight it.

Depending on where I am and who I’m with is usually how I make that choice, but there are those times when fighting it is not an option, which leaves one with only the option to embrace.

So today… I embrace them.

I embrace them because they today they are for a couple in my home group who is going on ten years of battling her brain tumor and the road is way too long. I embrace them because they today they are for a local pastor and his family who just got the very disheartening news that his 6-year-old daughter’s cancer is back and appears to be attacking organs and inoperable. I embrace them because today they are for injustice happening in Africa to a people who have some of the purest hearts I’ve seen. I embrace them because today they are for one of my dearest friends and her husband who have been in a wilderness of miscarriages and heartache for entirely too long. I embrace them because today they represent questions in my own life that don’t seem to have answers.

I embrace them and I give them back to my Father because while His kingdom is here now, it is also not here yet – in its fullness at least. Man, I can’t wait for that day.

But until then, I will try to embrace them when they come – because they are my heart spilling out and because those tender moments are when my Abba draws nearest to me. So Lord, be near.

.#18 - U2.

2010-07-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

now this, my friends is a sad, sad story. probably the saddest of all 30 before 30's.

so there's this guy named bono, he kinda "is" U2. once upon a time he was doing a rehearsal in germany and he slipped a disc in his back - bad enough that he needed surgery almost immediately. this was about a week before the US tour. this meant, our concert (and all others on the US tour) was cancelled. We were told we'd get a new date for the concert. The end.

TRAGIC!!!! i honestly almost cried. this has probably been one of the things i've looked forward to the most on that list - no lie.

so this is the email i received today:
Attention ticket holder!

We just learned that your event has now been rescheduled:

U2
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
Sunday, June 6th, 2010 New date: Friday, June 17th, 2011 at 7:00PM!

Your original tickets are still good – we hope you can make it and enjoy the show!

we hope you can make it to the show - really U2, OVER a year later? i mean, this girl's not givin up her seat for anything, but this now will not happen before i turn 30 and it technically can't be crossed off my list. but i still will mark it as done because it was beyond my control. something i learned while training teams to do overseas missions is this: "blessed are the flexible for they shall not be broken." so flexible i am and broken i'm not.

so erin & casey, june 17th it is. bono, how about no more shannanigans at rehearsal okay?

at least not after next march.

.#17 - monterey.

2010-07-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

and in the same weekend... my epic adventure buddy (casey) and i decided we'd watch the world cup finals in none other than...

monterey, california!!!!

we spend a few hours there on the pier at this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant called the "sandbar" that was home of the best omelette this girl's ever eaten. no lie. artichoke, sundried tomato, provolone, ham & avocado. holy smokes.

sad part of the day? my Dutch people lost the world cup to spain (my fake people with whom i spent a semester). now, i never once felt that my loyalties were split because i wasn't about to disown my biological people for my study abroad people, but i'm glad that if someone had to beat my people, at least it was still my people. you with me?

either way, monterey - you're somewhere i'd love to visit again soon. don't be a stranger and i promise the next time i'm there i won't spend hours in a little restaurant bar watching a soccer game. you're entirely too beautiful for that.

and casey - you're a rockstar. thanks for being my epic traveling buddy this weekend - for soaking in the sights & sounds of the bay area & monterey, for being a phenomenal wedding date and road trip buddy. you've been missed. glad we got a chance to play :)

and 101 freeway - thank you for your beautiful scenery that got us all the way home to santa barbara.

yes, you heard me. i said "home" to santa barbara. i gladly claim this place as home these days. i'm settling in and happy bout it :)

.#16 - visit a friend who lives somewhere i've never been.

2010-07-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

i'll be honest. i thought this one would be easier. incase you haven't met me, i travel... alot. so i figured hangin' with a friend in a new location wouldn't be all that difficult. i'm honestly shocked it just happened and it's already july.

needless to say, i had a great weekend visiting the now

mr. and mrs. alan & margie gutierrez!!!!

casey (with whom i always have epic adventures) and i drove from orange county up to palo alto and had yet one more epic adventure at a fun wedding in a gorgeous spot, tucked in the redwood trees of northern california.

so margie-formerly-carter-now gutierrez, thanks for being the friend i visited somewhere i've never been. and thanks for introducing me to your beloved bay area. you were an exquisite bride :) and we were very sad when the night was over.

thanks for getting married so i could knock of #16 :)

.#15 - 10K (dirty).

2010-06-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

i put a 10k or half marathon on the list because i thought it'd probably be something that would be good for me to do before i turned 30 thinking that it might be the last time something like that is a priority to me. i say this mostly because: 1) i'm not getting any younger and 2) my slipped disc and ouchie knee don't tend to have any vast improvements after i train for and do something competitive. and i keep thinking that i'd rather save those joints for things like playing beach volleyball and jumping on trampolines with my kids some day instead of wasting them on "one more 10k or half-marathon" just because i like the mental and physical challenge.

so to challenge myself this year, i did the mud run at camp pendleton.

my friend alyssa asked me in january just before i moved and i signed up not knowing what my life would look like at this point. and something tony (my p90x boyfriend) forgot to tell me is that p90x absolutely ruins your running endurance. man, sure maybe i'm stronger, but my endurance is shot. it is a sad, sad story. needless to say - we went through lakes, over climbing walls, army crawled in mud pits and ran more than 2 miles uphill just to say we did it. and we were dirty... nasty dirty - like the kind of dirty where i'm still cleaning my ears with a q-tip and dirt comes out - 5 days later. but it was worth it.

5 of us women... and hour and a half of running in the mud... some new friendships... and one more thing off my list.

i'm glad i did it and (gasp!) i'd do it again, maybe even in october! i kinda feel like now i have the itch and i can't shake it. uh oh. knees and back, you can thank me later.

.#14 - bike ride.

2010-05-26T10:52:00.001-07:00

i mentioned a few months ago that i'd have to change up my bike ride from the originally planned OC bike ride (angels stadium to the beach) to a santa barbara ride because of timing issues/inability to bring my bike down. so i modified this little guy and actually ended up doing him spontaneously.

it was a random monday and I work from home on mondays. i spent the morning working, ran some errands, grabbed some lunch with my friend ryan and was chatting with him at lunch about working out that afternoon (running, gym, biking, something). i told him how i'd been wanting to go to biking for a while and just hadn't done it. so he said, "why not today? let's do it."

so me, ryan

and rachel

met up at ryan's to do a bike ride. we ended up deciding to ride from the guys' house in "noleta" (between santa barbara & goleta) to isla vista where the UCSB campus is and then to More Mesa (these quasi-hidden bluffs with an incredible view)
and then back to the house.

round trip it was about a 13 mile bike ride that was both challenging and fun. i loved learning about secret bluffs and finding out where bike paths will take me. the plan is for this to be a normal summer occurrence and will update you if we go even further next time :)

and lolita (my perfect yellow bike - that glows in the dark) she held up great, she was an absolute champ, cup holder and all :) needless to say, i ended up working late that monday night, but the bike ride was 100% worth it! about half way there!!!!

.#13a - date (with dad).

2010-05-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

last weekend my dad flew out to california. usually when my dad flies out to california it's because there's some family event (a wedding, funeral, graduation, party, etc.) or because he wants to cover all his bases and spend time with all the people he loves out here. not this time.

this time it was about spending time just with me.

i honestly cannot remember a time in my life where my dad and i have spent more than a day just the two of us. i mean, it's not that we don't like each other or don't want to, it's simply that we just don't make it a priority.

here's how we spent our weekend:

day 1: james taylor concert at the hollywood bowl with our dad/daughter friends, david & sydney

(and a few other fans)

there were this many people in the bowl that night and you know what? it didn't matter. not one bit. we had one of the best evenings we've ever had. we sang along with tunes he knew growing up & had passed on to me, we had pulled pork sandwiches and wine, we laughed at things happening around us without having to explain to each other what was so funny, we just enjoyed each other's presence. truly.

day 2: we drove to a little place that's becoming more and more dear to me - santa barbara and spent a day in santa rita hills doing some wine tasting, again something we both enjoy and have taken a bit of an interest in. it was fun to taste wines and then talk about our thoughts on them and my sweet, sweet dad purposely didn't take all of it home with him to texas :)

that night, we had an amazing seafood dinner with an ocean view and chatted about ministry, about the dairy business, about the upcoming weddings of my brothers and all the summer plans. and sunday morning, he came over for a breakfast burrito and i put him on a plane back to texas. our bellies, hearts and wine cellars content.

something i'm realizing is that when i was younger, i didn't think my dad and i had much in common because i wasn't much for hunting or fishing or working with cows, but the last 10 years or so i've come to discover that at the core of who we are, my dad and i are very much alike. our first love is Jesus and seeing the work of His kingdom done on earth, our second love is those he's put in our lives and our third love is good wine :)

so dad, here's to you: thanks for going out of your way to come into my world and spend the weekend with me. thanks for spoiling me rotten and for loving me well. i'm blessed beyond words to have you for a dad. check your calendar because once these wedding celebrations are done we're due for another mini-vacay, maybe a fishing trip to Alaska this time?

.#12 - solitude.

2010-05-06T06:05:00.001-07:00

the word solitude is scary to some people. i've never been one who's feared being alone or even minded being alone. in fact, as a kid i spent ALOT of time in my room reading books, writing or thinking... in solitude. and it never bothered me. but as i've gotten older and busier and more social, things have gotten in the way and in my oh-so-backwards brain, things have become more important than solitude. so in my quest to be someone who lives a better story this year, i decided that a better story meant not skipping out on what God thinks is important and on what Jesus valued most - time alone and away with the Father.

here's my honest take going into it - i wasn't scared of it, but i wasn't really all that looking forward to it. it's not my favorite thing on the list and not my least favorite, but closer to the least favorite side for sure, which is strange to me because every time i leave a period of solitude, i walk away wanting more, but yet i dread it. is it because i feel like i'm missing out on things while i'm gone? or is it because i hate the idea of being stuck in my own head for that long? or is it because i know that when you give God that concentrated time, there's no way you could come back the same?

my guess is it's all of the above, but more than anything - i'm grateful for His faithfulness in allowing me to come back changed - every time. it's beautiful.

so i left for pismo beach for a few days last week and am grateful beyond words to my aunt and uncle who graciously lent me a free (amazing) place to stay. i got there and thought, "yup, me and God will be just fine here." :) and we were. i know from where you sit, your questions for me might be - well, did you come back changed? what did God teach you? was it worth it?

did i come back changed? i had spoken with God before i left and told him that whether he changed nothing or he changed everything, 2 days with him was all i wanted. but yes, because he's that faithful, he did show up and i am not the same as i was when i got there.

what did God teach me? he taught me about himself. he gently reminded me of how very much he loves me and how often i forget that. he restored hope for things that i'd lost hope for both in my own life and in the lives of those i love. he renewed my passion and vision for ministry with students and gave me excitement for what's to come down the road with that. he continues to change me into someone who is more like him, someone who loves deeper, is more humble, but yet confident and comfortable in my own skin; someone who is able to see past people's actions into their need. he released me of the responsibility i carry to fix things for others and reminded me that he's in the business of restoring and redeeming people, so i don't have to :) he took me from a place where i was overwhelmed to a place where i found peace.

this was way more for me than just 4 hour walks on the beach and good coffee and some solid reading and praying. this was restoration. this was filling me up so that i can pour out. this was taking my burdens so that i can better love others on the flip side. this was preparation... preparation for what's to come, energy and ministry restored so that i can handle what's next and let's just say "what's next" didn't waste any of its time getting here. :)

was it worth it? always. time away with the Father is always worth it.

.bonus post.

2010-04-27T01:12:00.000-07:00

just because i feel like being nice, you get a bonus post tonight. i went to the santa barbara mission on sunday. so here's a virtual tour. of the outside of the mission and the rose gardens. what an awesome place to hang out for bit - and monks live there - REAL monks. impressive? i think so.

and the best part of this story is that i got to spend the afternoon with a friend that i've known since i was a little kid (like 3 or 4 years old). he was in town for work and we hadn't seen each other since we were probably about 14 or 15 and it was so much fun to catch up on life and spend the day wine-tasting, mission-exploring and ice cream-eating. thanks mike, for a fun afternoon and putting up with my iphone app obsession to try to get some good pictures :)

.#11 - photography class.

2010-04-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

i realize it's 1AM and i should not be blogging, but instead i should be sleeping. sleep is overrated... and i'm beginning to re-learn that my most productive, best-focused hours are after 10pm, so i'm just capitalizing on that time. my job should thank me for it, or maybe i should thank my job that i have the flexibility to work at midnight and sleep in.

the point of the post is this... i took a photography class a few weeks ago!!! but it wasn't just any photography class, it was a holga class. yes, i said holga, h-o-l-g-a, holga. no, it's not an amazon woman, not it's not a fun name that i came up with because i like to name inanimate objects (which i do). holga is a type of camera that uses film. yes, i said film, like the kind where you have to take the back off the camera and put it in and make sure it catches and then wind it up before you can shoot a picture. and the kind where you can't see the picture after you take it. and the kind where you're dependent on someone else to develop it for you because it requires a dark room and in this case coffee :)

a new santa barbara friend of mine invited me to this holga class on a saturday morning and it was awesome. holga and i met for the first time that day, we are still working on becoming friends. i'm hoping it will turn into a friendship, but right now we aren't sure if we get along. needless to say, it was an awesome day with fun new friends in a BEAUTIFUL place, but as of this moment - i still prefer digital photography or even my new iphone app (hipstamatic) to holga, but i think maybe, just maybe we can work it out.

here's some holga-ness.

now here's your difference between the holga and the iphone. i mean, really, which do you prefer?!?!?

and for the grand finale - the stunningly beautiful place that i live... again, iphone, you do me right...

dear holga, thank you for your saturday morning. i would like to spend more time with you and hopefully we will be better friends soon. i know it takes a while, especially with a girl like me who can tend to be untrusting, a smidge judgmental and a creature of habit. thanks for your patience. we'll work it out. pinky promise.

2010-04-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know one of my best friends, Sarah Vyn and others of you may not, but I'm asking if all of you would start praying... and keep praying...

Her brother Kyle is 23 and got married a few years ago to Lindsey. They live in Canada and are such an amazing couple with great faith. Kyle went into the hospital after having a seizure while working and was diagnosed on Sunday with what looks to be inoperable brain cancer. All the doctors who have reviewed his results say there's nothing they can do.

This is devastating news for everyone, but especially for his family - his young wife Lindsey, his parents, his 2 brothers and of course, Sarah & Justin. Sarah & Justin left last night to drive to Canada with both their kids. Sarah plans to stay as long as she's needed to be with her family.

Here's how you can pray:
- Pray for a miracle - pray for the 1% chance that he might get radiation in the coming weeks.
- Pray with faith that God will choose to heal Kyle
- Pray for comfort and peace for those around him
- Pray for the right support for all of them
- Pray that Justin & Sarah's kids (Anna & John) will be a source of joy in a really hard time
- Pray for Kyle, that he'll feel peace and be able to trust God despite this devastating news

Here's Kyle and Lindsey.

I'll keep you updated as I hear more from Sarah. The more prayers the more glory.

Believing that our God is good.

.music mondays - God of justice.

2010-03-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

this:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article7054630.ece

was REALLY hard to swallow today. this kind of news makes me long for the second coming of Jesus because i believe whole-heartedly that his return is the day when this kind of violence and inhumanity will cease. i still believe in his promises and have a profound respect for the Christian people in Nigeria. this also puts more fuel in my desire to "go" - to be a person who lives out the Word - feeds the hungry and stands beside the broken because it matters., because it changes lives.

so in light of today's tragedy, music monday boasts one of my favorite songs that motivates me to keep living it out.

"God of Justice" by tim hughes

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

.music mondays - we all need saving.

2010-03-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

well, it's not music monday, it's music tuesday because i was distracted all stinkin' day yesterday and couldn't pull off music monday, but i think it counts because i picked the song on monday and had it all ready in my head. it counts right? it's kinda like being in middle school and doing your homework "in your head" or answering a text message "in your head" but not actually doing it. that's how i roll lately. alot goin' on up there. but better late than never... music monday.

"we all need saving" by jon mclaughlin

Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

this song speaks so deeply of our need for community. our need for people to be "in it" with us. it speaks to the idea that we've all needed support before (and Lord knows we all will again). my favorite line...

"we were meant to be known"

amen to that. so if you're reading this, i urge you to do something today for someone you know needs a little bit of encouragement. ask that friend for coffee, spend an extended amount of time in prayer for them, show up at their house and just sit and listen, be Jesus to someone else because we all need saving sometimes.

.music mondays - selah.

2010-02-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

this is a music monday and it will be in just a few minutes, after my side note...

so i got an email this afternoon re: a meeting for the presbytery (for whom i work) that i have to be at on wednesday. it's from 8-noon and it's at a place called "the surf shack." here's what the rest of the email said, and i quote:
"Bring Bible, swim suit, towels, surf toys (don't need them but your choice.) coffee and snacks provided."

really?!?!?! is this seriously my job?!?! i almost feel guilty for hangin' out with a bunch of cool pastors on a wednesday morning at the beach... okay maybe not. but tis pretty darned SWEET!!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

.music monday - selah.

today's amazingness is by none other than lauryn hill (sometimes i miss the fugees)

Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial, yeah
Wasting time
Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while
Coping with despair
Knowing you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the Sun
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule
Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that im wearing like a skin

Dying to mantain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin
Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is seen

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaved so foolishly
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til it sees the death of me
Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree with what I know is best for me
Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

The choices that Ive made
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?
In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decisions

Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is seen

And then He came
And then He came
Then He came, then He came, then He came
And then He came

i know. it's a long song, but it's well worth the download. it's beautiful. and this week it grabbed me by the back of the neck and sat me down and made me think. one of my most faithful friends is in the middle of a bunch of really hard stuff and this song spoke to that situation, but more than that - it offered hope. "And then He came" and "That it is seen" reminded me of how good our God is. it reminded me that HE SHOWS UP and that HE SEES. i've wondered a time or two this week if he's showing up in my friends life or if he even sees what's going on or cares, but this was a gentle reminder that HE IS and that is enough.

selah.

.a blog-worthy saturday night.

2010-02-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure if i've mentioned this on my blog ;), but i just moved... 2 hours from my friends, 2 hours from my church, 2 hours from the only life i've known for 7 years. and let me tell you - it. is. hard. i mean, i knew i had it comin' but once you're living in it, the reality sets in and it's a bummer deal some days. but i'm here to tell you, i went home last weekend and it was SO good for my soul.

and we had a spontaneous blog-worthy saturday night.

i had planned to hang out with my friend casey and we're kinda sorta known for spontaneous adventures - you know, small things like Africa... and tattoos... and 2 day layovers in London...and sketchy thai restaurants in LA - those kinds of things. And we decided we were gonna hang out but had no plans in mind except that at some point we'd like to hit the Rusty Pelican (lovingly referred to as "the rusty p"). it may sound creepy, but let me tell you. it is my happy place. and it's classy.

more on that later. so what we decided to do was to do a newport beach restaurant crawl. it was maybe our best idea yet, besides Africa and tattoos, of course.

here was our evening itinerary that we made up as we went...

6pm - memphis at the lab. result? yummy corn bread and a great drink, fun little place too.
7:30pm - bree has NO night vision and royally BIFFS IT into a rain gutter thingy and scratches up the whole right side of my back (if you need a picture, i have proof)
8pm - 930 sushi on PCH. result? crazy good sushi, even some with jalapeno and the option of ordering LIVE shrimp, like still squirming around and looking at you kind of live. but fun nonetheless.
10pm - the blessedness of the rusty pelican. good gracious that place is super. piping hot sourdough bread with soft butter (this is key, people), great wine, super fun live music, looking out at the harbor. we were happy there until the valet came and brought casey his keys at 1am because they were closing down shop.
11:22pm (approx) - casey runs into a pole - this was pure comedy and maybe an attempt at solidarity with my earlier injury?
1:15am - a little wound care on the back scrapage and night night termite.

so if any of you are looking for fun things to do in newport beach this weekend? there's your answer. and if you're just looking for a fun night? restaurant hop. order a little appetizer and a drink at each place and just embrace the night. it's well worth it.

thanks OC for a fantastic weekend. it was great to feel known and thanks casey for yet one more amazing spontaneous adventure and the scars to prove it.

a retweet from casey that pretty much sums up the weekend: "home is not where you live, but where they understand you." well spoken. very well spoken. happy weekend to you all!

.#10 - car detailed.

2010-02-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

my car has a name. as do my bike, my computer, my printers and the occasional house plant. don't judge me. it's just what i do. so my car, her name is SENORITA ROSITA V (the fifth). she's amazing. she's truly one of my very best friends and here's why:

- she knows me really really well
- i'm comfortable enough around her to belt out songs, even if i don't know all the right words
- she's been privy to many conversations that no one else ever hears
- she's seen her fair share of tears and breakdowns
- she's gone on ALOT of road trips with me
- she's been really faithful and always makes sure i'm safe
- i wake up each morning and know she'll be there waiting for me
- she's even gotten to spend quality time with some friends of mine when i go away
- she never talks back, just keeps on keepin' on
- she moved to santa barbara with me so i wouldn't go alone

and let me tell y'all - this girl deserved some TLC, which is why i put her on my 30 before 30 list. when i posted this list, i got a prompt reply from a college student friend of mine that he details cars and he'd love to hang out with Senorita for the day. um...amazing? i think so.

i was back in orange county this weekend and had a crazy awesome time with my friends whom i've missed dearly and was able to let Brent Thomas have her for about 6 hours. she came back looking like this...

that's right. this girl is like brand new. these were Brent's words: "if cars could smile, Senorita would be beaming." well said. she is beaming. i feel like you've got to invest in what means the most to you and me and that girl go back 5 and a half years and 108,000 miles. she's been good to me. here's to you Senorita. thank you for being a friend.

1/3 of the way through... 10 down. and if you need someone to do an amazing job detailing your car for a really great price, Brent Thomas is your guy. I'll be happy to get you his info. :)

.#9 - flip a coin.

2010-02-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

i don't know about you, but i had a great weekend. you can scroll down to read my post about my new town and where i'm living, i really do like it here - alot. it's seriously the most beautiful place to live and i still feel spoiled. i feel even more spoiled because erin, one of my best friend's from orange county drove up for the weekend to hang out with me. we decided on a whim to knock out a 30 before 30 yesterday and it was an AWESOME afternoon.

our goal was to flip a coin, if it landed on tails we were gonna drive 30 minutes to the right, if it landed on heads, 30 minutes to the left. wherever we got at 30 minutes we had to stop and document it with pictures. so here's a play-by-play of our adventure.

will it be heads?

or tails?

tails took us here...

and then here (this might be my favorite shot of the day)...

and then here...

at 30 minutes...

WE ENDED UP HERE, are you kidding? from ocean to the forest in 30 minutes and there was a little creek running through the trees.

and then i'll leave you with a few shots on the way down.

incredible day, incredible friend and one more thing off the list!!!

.#8 - shoot a deer.

2010-02-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

for those of you who work for/support PETA, i am going to say this: we can be friends. our lives are not over. we can still have a relationship regardless of my desire to shoot a deer. it's gonna be okay. keep reading, i promise you'll be happy...

so on my 30 before 30 list was to "shoot a deer." contrary to some push back i've gotten, i actually really do like deer, i think they're cute, nice creatures who deserve to live and are a fine piece of God's creation, so before you cyber-slay me for being a "hater," know that deer are my friends.

my intent in creating this goal was indeed to shoot a deer. yes, with a gun. yes, it would be bloody. yes, my dad and brothers who live in texas would be included in the execution of this task (no pun intended). yes, i would give the meat to the homeless shelter or something of the sort. those were all my intentions and they were the best.

however...

i was home only one time during texas "deer season" which was over Christmas break. we had a plan to go out to the deer lease and see if we couldn't find ourselves a buck to shoot (did you know bucks shed their antlers and grow them back every single year and the older they are, the faster they grow, giving them a bigger rack, who knew?). anyhow, Christmas got here and texas got DUMPED ON with snow. needless to say, the hunting over-nighter turned into a "snowed in christmas eve" with just me and my mom. so our hunting excursion/deer shooting goal were shot down (again, no pun intended).

so... deer season is over, i'm at home in california, commiserating over my failed attempt at a 30 before 30 goal and then remembered a friend (by the name of david carlos escobar, who demands a shout out) who gave me a solution to this goal without having to use a gun, so here ya go:

I SHOT A DEER (with a camera of course).

and i didn't just shoot one deer, i shot a family of them crossing the road...

in this little snow-covered new mexico mountain town last weekend...

with these lovely women instead of my brothers and dad.

we were there for my brother's fiance (julea's) bridal shower weekend with my mom's side of the family. such a great girls weekend for such a great bride and one more thing off the list - yay!

8 down... 22 to go.
-------------------------
for those of you who've been asking, here are the ones i have dates on the calendar for:

- U2 concert - june 6, anaheim (casey & erin, i can't wait!)
- 10k/half marathon - sometime in may with kim and/or the mud run in june with alyssa
- climb half dome - may 6-9 (with my small group from the oc)
- visit a friend somewhere i've never been (margie & alan's wedding in newark, ca)
- read one book per month (been doing it, on my 4th month now & lovin' it)
- just so you know... i likely will be switching up the bike-riding one to a santa barbara county bike riding challenge, it might be too much to drag lolita back down there.

.embracing newness.

2010-01-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

this is now where i call home, not too shabby huh?
i am living in newness right now... and i really have mixed feelings about it. but first... a blog tour.

i love yellow and i really love that our house is yellow. we have a cute patio, but it's not ready for your viewing pleasure quite yet.

this place is so peaceful. i like hangin' out in here. it's not quite finished yet, but when it is, i'll re-blog tour it.

this is our little dining area. it's quaint, it's cozy and i have to say my parents have great taste in picking out wine racks and tables. i've come to love happy hour at this little nook.

this is what sold us on this house. hands down. it's just been redone and it's awesome... loaded... gorgeous. this is one of my favorite places to be - now to find friends/college students to cook for :)

i had to go public with my new bedding because good gracious it wasn't cheap. the reason i had to get new bedding was not because i thought i deserved it or because i now have a job and can afford it. nope - none of the above. the reason is because the paint color on the walls of my bedroom is HIDEOUS. my friend came over and his description was, "flesh toned." i call it peach. my roommate is attempting to make me feel better and call it light salmon (her bedroom is a delightful color of yellow mind you). my room has a tinge of pink it it and if you know me, that's no bueno. needless to say, it is also not ready for your viewing pleasure quite yet, i have some diverting to do. but i do love my new bedding.

and your grand finale... my commute to work. right. this is not a joke. i drive south on the 101 for about 20 miles and 12-15 of it is ocean. unbelievable and considering the rain we just got, the hills on the other side of the freeway look like ireland. it's absolutely the most beautiful place to live and i feel like God is spoiling the heck outta me by letting me live here and have the job that i have. [i'm planning on posting a "new job" post this weekend, stay tuned].

------------
okay back to the whole mixed emotions about the newness thing.

reasons i love being new in town:
- new coffee shops, stores, neighborhoods to explore
- people always want to know why you moved here and what you're doing
- for some reason people here like texas, so they want to hear all about it
- i get the chance to 'start over' in some ways
- i get to visit churches and see what God's up to in alot of places before i commit to a community
- i could spend the next 6 months going to a new restaurant every friday night and still not even scratch the surface
- my house is 3 miles from the beach. not even double digits - bliss :)
- i love to organize and new houses/offices call for lots of organizational skills
- i like getting to know people so it's fun to have the opportunity to make new friends
- my house is 1 mile from some really fun friends with 2 stinkin' cute little boys
- everything here is SO much closer and there is no traffic, i'm diggin' the small town gig

reasons i DON'T love being new in town:
- i get lost sometimes, but thank God for my iphone
- i feel like an idiot my first day at spin class... and at the office... and taking the trash out on the day the recycle goes out
- i am 2 and a half weeks in and am getting really tired of telling people who i am and why i'm here
- i miss being known, like truly known by people and not having to explain myself
- i miss not feeling 'at home' when i walk into church and i'm ready for the awkwardness to wear off
- i don't like stubbing my toe on my dresser in the middle of the night because i don't know where things are in my bedroom
- i don't like the transition period that goes with a move and the 6-12 months of unsettledness

i know these are normal things that come with moving and i know "this too shall pass." all of those things are true and clearly the good outweighs the bad and i have absolutely no doubt that our great God spoiled me rotten by making my next assignment santa barbara and there's no question in my mind that He has purpose for me here. this was undeniably the right decision. i have a community of people (mostly young life staffers and their people) who are here and have loved me well from day one and let me tell you - i. am. grateful. they've been amazing with everything from beds, to showers, to meals, to laundry, to wine-football-nachos parties at midnight, to helping me move, to being a listening ear. and i have had an overwhelmingly warm welcome from the community that already exists surrounding my new job.

i know that in each place i've moved, i've experienced more of God, grown more in my faith and become a better, stronger person for having lived there and i have no doubt that santa barbara will be the same because my God is faithful. and because He is faithful, i am embracing newness.

.music mondays - garden.

2010-01-25T22:05:00.000-08:00

i really, truly hate to be the girl that does a repeat band 2 weeks in a row, but as i thought about music mondays, there just seemed no more appropriate song for me. i have this amazing friend in the oc, erin, who makes me mixes of music that are stellar, no lie. she made me one for my 2 hour journey up to santa barbara when i moved 2 weeks ago and number 8 on that mix has breathed life into me these last 2 weeks. for the first week, it made me cry every time i heard it and this week it cheers me up - it is my prayer and well worth a listen. i PROMISE to switch bands next week. pinky promise.

"garden" by needtobreathe

Won't you take this cup from me?
because fear has stolen all my sleep.

If tomorrow means my death
pray you'll save their souls with it.

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.

In this hour of doubt I see
who I am is not just me
so give me strength to die myself
so love can live to tell the tale.

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.

Father let my heart be for you
For you
For you
For you

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.

i pray that it will breathe life into you as is has me. and happy monday :)

.a faithful, prayer-answering God.

2010-01-22T22:57:00.000-08:00

i have seriously never been as overwhelmed with how good our God is as i am today. on a number of levels, for a number of reasons. he has answered so many prayers and i am seriously in awe of him tonight.

- i woke up at 4 and texted janelle to tell her i was praying and she texted me back from the ukraine saying that they were still praying and waiting as well. i got another text from her at about 530 that just said, "Final decree is Monday at 4pm. But all is well according to translation. hallelujah!" anja is theirs, officially on monday, but unofficially today. there is so much joy and so much peace knowing she'll be raised in their home and loved unconditionally. yay God!

- kristen's husband, mark flew to miami this morning on pure faith that the government would get the kiddos processed and through the embassy to the US today - not knowing if that would happen and not knowing if keanan would be one of them. and this was her post about an hour ago, "The plane has landed. Mark is waiting with the other adoptive parents, while the kids go through customs. I am jumping out of my skin wishing I was there!" and then this: "(Kristen) is thinking of the memory her son will have, flying to the United States on a military plane with all of his best buddies at the same time . . ." amazing. again, yay God!

those things were so heavy on my heart and in my prayers last night and tonight? done. unbelievable. we serve a big God. and a little side note in my own life - i am here in santa barbara and will write more about my job/life/house later, but just have been really praying for a church that will have a somewhat seamless transition for me - a place i can call home where their vision propels me to move forward in my work and ministry, where there are like-minded people doing kingdom work, where the teaching is solid and the people are authentic, etc. and i was invited to go tonight to a church that i think i'll be calling home. i got there and teared up during worship because God is so stinkin' good and had answered yet another prayer today. unbelievable.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

.orphans in waiting.

2010-01-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

i'm writing this post tonight because this is what's on my heart and mind right now. two sets of parents who are in adoptive processes that have taken WAY too long and are waiting to bring home kiddos. 2 different stories, 2 different countries. 2 different precious kids that need to be home with their families.

- my cousin and her husband http://dhfam.blogspot.com are in the process of adopting a little girl named anja from the ukraine. it's been a LONG RIDE for them these last few months and years of waiting and tomorrow is the day. in 5 hours they will walk into a courtroom and some judge they've never met, whose never heard their story will decide the fate of their little girl - will she come home to colorado where they feel that being her mama and papa is the absolute best thing for her or will she have to stay living in the orphanage in the ukraine only to become another statistic? i hate this limbo for them and i hate that it has been so difficult. so if you're the praying type, please pray for janelle and casey, for the judge, for their translator and ultimately for anja - that whatever is best for her is what will be done.

- my friends, the howertons http://thehowertons.blogspot.com have a CRAZY story of their little man keanan who is currently living in Port-au-Prince, Haiti - clearly not an ideal living situation for him... read their blog and pray for them, they are trying desperately to get him back here on humanitarian parole and are pretty stinkin' close. the worst thing for them as parents is to know their child is there in haiti, living in those conditions when he could be home with them. there are going to be so many more orphans in haiti following this earthquake that it truly seems irrational to keep him there. again, if you're the praying type, please pray for mark and kristen, for their government connections, for the people who are rallying for them and for them to get keanan back here safely and quickly.

i love the heart of our great God for orphans and how he is a Father to the fatherless. and i love the hearts of the people in my life for orphans and just deeply respect their willingness to fight for these kids... because they're worth it. join me in praying these kids home.

.music mondays - something beautiful.

2010-01-04T23:17:00.000-08:00

i heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time and i am hooked. on the song, on the band, on everything needtobreathe. it speaks volumes for itself so i'll just let it speak. happy monday! it's my last monday living in orange county :( but next monday i'll be working at my NEW JOB!!! :)

here ya go:

"SOMETHING BEAUTIFULl" by needtobreathe

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need.

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

Jesus - this girl is asking you for some numerous "something beautifuls" in my life. beggin' you to show up and trusting that you will.

.christmas treats.

2009-12-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

i shot some Christmas cards this year. it was really fun because i'm related to or really like all the people i worked with and at that point, it doesn't feel like work :)

here's some day after Christmas treats for you:

my cousin jeanna, her husband steven & the world's most lovable kid - gerrit

one of my best friends, sarah - her husband justin & their kiddos anna & john. i'm missin' them in california these days, but they're loving calling texas home.

my aunt & uncle, peter & dana in bakersfield and their awesome kids - grant, isabella & gwyneth. i think this was the most fun to shoot because they live in such a cool spot and their kids are bigger. i think big kids are easier and plus, i just like their kids :)

and a new friend - carrie and her husband john & really fun kids - jacob, justin, carson & katherine - i LOVED her style and their rad shoes.

THANKS YOU GUYS for letting me be part of your Christmas :) I thoroughly enjoyed it!

.the break up.

2009-12-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

this is how i feel today. i need you to just work with me as i figure this out.

- there's a sense of freedom
- there's also a sense of loss
- you like it at first, but when you really try to live with it it's harder than you think
- you keep thinking about how things were "back when you had it in your life"
- you are really frustrated for the first while and just wish for it back
- you don't feel like yourself without it, you've gotten so used to having it in your life
- you're a little insecure and sometimes don't feel like going out of the house for a while
- it takes people who love you saying, "no, it's totally fine. you just have to get used to it. i like you better without it."

you're gonna laugh and i'm secure in that. laugh away. i've decided that:

the first week or two with a new haircut is really similar to the first few weeks after a break up.

why am i blogging about this on Christmas you may ask? well, this happens to be the first day i've tried to do my new do since the haircut. and that's when i realize it. so if you see any pictures of me on Christmas day, don't judge my hair, have some grace and tell me i'll get used to it. i just hate that i can never do it like the person who cuts my hair (my cousin or Sarah). that's the worst part.

i know i'll be fine just like the last time and in about 10 days, my new do will be embraced. MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you. may we remember today that it's about Jesus and the life he came to offer and our haircuts are pretty much irrelevant ;)

.music mondays - follow you.

2009-12-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

i first heard this song yesterday and i knew it was the one for music mondays. it's called "follow you" by leeland - who happens to be a pretty great band :)

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.
Follow you into the World.

Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.
Follow you into the World.

I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.

as i start my new job in january with an organization called IMPACT out of santa barbara (ish), this song speaks volumes about what we've been called to do. we are sending people to the "homes of the broken and meet the needs of the poor and needy." i love what the organization does and i love that i get to set people up to play a part in his bigger kingdom! man, i'm excited about this job and i can't stinkin' wait to have the opportunity to point people to Jesus and give them an opportunity to get off the bench and in the game. i love this song because it motivates me. it reminds me what really fuels me in my life and it renews my passion for Jesus and for expanding his kingdom. it reminds me of who our Jesus is and what he's about and dang it - he's about the homes of the broken and the needs of the poor and why should i not give it away?

so, Lord - i give all myself... everything i am to you to see your kingdom come. let's do this thing.

.#7 - the getty.

2009-12-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

i'm first going to apologize to those of you who wanted to go to the getty with me... i'm sorry it didn't happen. it was one of those late night conversations that turned into a "hey, we should go to the getty tomorrow" things and so we did. and it was worth it. it's a place i've always seen up on the hill and thought that i needed to someday get there. i have a cousin who lives in the LA vicinity with her husband who's an artist and she's recommended it to me numerous times and that's how it ended up on the list.

it was really one of those days where you sit back and say, "now that day couldn't have been more perfect."

9:30 - kirsten got to my house to pick me up

9:45 - we stopped at trader joe's (a.k.a. heaven) and picked up a little picnic lunch

10:00 -we got our starbucks on - because every good day begins with coffee
11:00 - we arrived at the getty and did the little tram ride i'd dreamed of for so long up to the museum
11:30 - we unpacked our picnic lunch, wine and all and ate in the gorgeous getty gardens (those 3 "g" words would be 3 points in scattergories for those of you who are word geeks like me)

12:15 - we headed into the photography exhibit that was really amazing - this man named Irving Penn took photographs in his studio in the 50's and 60's of everyday people wearing/carrying what they used for their everyday jobs, for example if you were a butcher, you wore your bloody apron and held your butcher knife in your hand for the picture. he calls it "Small Trades." and it was truly amazing. go here - http://www.getty.edu/art/exhibitions/penn/ to check it out. i heart photography so it was pretty awesome to see. reminded me a bit of an amazing thing some quasi-friends are doing right now called Help Portrait - go here to see that - help-portrait.com/. okay so i'm on a tangent now. back to the getty.
1:15 - we walked outside to this view of the ocean... honestly, even if you go to the getty and look at no art all day, it's worth it just for the gardens and the sheer beauty of where they chose to build the thing. LA skyline + ocean = a bit of gloriousness (is that a word?)

1:25 - we headed into an exhibit called "Rembrandt and his Pupils" - i of course, being the crazy dutch girl that i am so appreciated the dutch names, dutch towns, dutch everything about beloved Rembrandt. but as a whole we were impressed with how much of what he'd chosen to draw was from scripture. it was pretty awesome the way he portrays many of the stories we'd heard our whole lives. for me at least, it amplified the way i saw things like "the prodigal son" and "the angel telling mary of her pregnancy." it was awesome.
2:00 - back on the blessed tram and into the parking garage to head back to the oc.
3:00 - home sweet grandma's house.

here's some "extras for you from the day. the fall leaves were gorgeous, the water fountains were pretty rad and it was just one of those days when you get to just be with someone you think is really great and do nothing but exist and enjoy. so that's what we did. we existed and we enjoyed. and then the day continued with a great coffee chat/hang out with some old young life kids who are now college sophomores - NUTS! and then sushi with a friend and a conversation with my cousin who's in the ukraine with her husband, getting their little girl (read about them here - dhfam.blogspot.com/). day was perfect. off to texas tomorrow.

oh getty, you are just glorious. thanks for an awesome day. mission #7 - accomplished.

p.s. - i also got a yosemite date on the calendar - progress people... progress

.music mondays.

2009-12-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

i’ve decided to try something new for this next season of my life. a little ditty i’d like to call “music mondays.” it resembles something we used to do from time to time when i was working with youth. we’d take some song lyrics and dive into them and chat about why those lyrics spoke to where we were at in our lives. so i thought i’d revisit that the next month or two with “music mondays” and see if we like it. and plus, it gives me a reason to blog on mondays instead of just when i feel like it, which turns out to be not all that often. :)

This hot jam is called, "Ordinary Day" by a guy named Griffin House. It's brilliant.

All of my life 
I’ve been a fool 
Breaking myself  
To follow your rules
 And I beat myself up 
When I can’t find the strength 
When I can’t seem to change
 The harder I think

 Let me get this straight 
Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day
 ‘Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing 
But you let me slip away 

When I run away 
You just let me run
 And I take it too far
 By the time I am done 
And I understand I’m thick in the skull
 But I’m learning to love The sound of your call 

Let me get this straight 
Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day 
‘Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing
 But you let me slip away 

I fear rejection and I up my defenses
 I look for healing in the human touch 
When will I learn to face the consequences? 
Of trying to love you and failing so much
 I’m trying to love you but I’m failing so much 

Let me get this straight 
Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day ‘
Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing
 But you let me slip away Let me slip away

 Over and over and over again
 I’m biting the hand that’s pulling me in
 Over and over and over again
 Believe in the hand that’s pulling me in

to me this song speaks volumes of my relationship with God. there's this push and pull - this internal struggle, this way that I try to do things my way but yet i know it's never gonna work. ever. i resonate with the part where he says, "when i run away, you just let me run. and i take it too far by the time i am done. i understand i'm thick in the skull, but i'm learning to love the sound of your call." that is just so much of how my life operates and i want so badly to break those habits of running from God when i don't know what to do. i want so badly to not be that "thick in the skull" person and i am learning to need Him and i am learning to love the sound of His call but not as much as i'd like to be.

this is my typical reaction - "i look for healing in the human touch" and as a result "i'm biting the hand that's pulling me in." the truth that's tangled up in these lyrics is a bit close to home at this point. i do try to go to my tangible "human" friends before i let God handle what needs to be handled. i don't often go to him first because for some reason He seems so distant and unable to help in the immediacy. i want to change this, so badly. i want to as griffin says, "BELIEVE in the hand that's pulling me in" instead of constantly being stubborn and putting up a fight.

and even now, i find myself more frustrated with how i do this than ever before. it's like writing about it gave me a renewed sense of being mad at myself. perfect. not quite what i was going for today. is it only me? am i the only crazy one whose tendency is to run and because God is good he just lets us and doesn't force us to do what we've known all along is best? food for thought...

.best news i've heard in months.

2009-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

I GOT THE JOB I REALLY WANTED. well, to be more honest - God hooked me up with a job He really wanted me to have :) as of january 4th, i'll be the director of an organization called IMPACT out of Santa Barbara County. go here

http://www.impact-sbp.org

to check it out.

this girl is real excited y'all. real excited. now the race is on to find a place to live... should be an interesting roller coaster of a week. man, did i say i'm excited?!?!?!?!

i really think that's all i've got for today. i have no other words. so glad this season's soon-to-be over. i'm sure they'll be a teary-eyed post about leaving orange county soon enough, but for now soak in the joy of job-ness with me because it's darn good and i can't wait to tell stories :)