so much of my life is tied together and it is all interwoven by His capable hands - even the stuff i neglect to notice or am too busy to thank Him for. today was one of those days when i watched some of the interweaving happening right before my eyes. today God showed up...
i'm in a weird place in my life where i feel insignificant and voice-less. i feel like where i am is stripped down, broken, aimless and insecure. i know God has me here for a reason - this place makes me vulnerable and malleable. my normal place of competence and security does not. He has ever-so-gently and subtly taken away all my authority, consistency, vision and security - i am bare bones and i hate it. all i know is that i'm called to this step, this step that will last 6-9 months and beyond this step, i have been given nothing. that scares the living daylights out of me. and i don't like this step, but i do like the breadcrumbs.
like the manna of the old testament, i get random breadcrumbs along the way to assure me that i'm on the right track. today, He gave me a few.
- the first was the prayer of a dear friend over the phone at midnight that God would just do something in my life and ease me of my fear and anxiety in the midst of the questions and frustration.
- the second was the opportunity to do an odd job for a friend's work that turned into just the right amount to pay the bills & gas through the end of the month - coincidence? i think not.
- the third, an unexpected divine appointment with a newer friend who gave me much needed eternal perspective on breadcrumbs, this step and the kingdom.
i realized tonight that God's kingdom is big - huge, massive, infinite - this step in my life is so very small in comparison, but my friend helped me realize that it is so very big in being revolutionary for the upside down kingdom He longs to bring. in surrendering all my life, plans, goals, rights and entitlements, i'm inviting God to use me and to work in me in ways that wouldn't be possible if i continued to control my stuff (time, money, living situation, job, ministry, etc). i realize now that i am in for it. and i have a choice - i can be anxious about step or i can be thankful that He's called little me to something huge in His kingdom and just enjoy the ride...
my prayer is that i'll wake up each morning for the next 6-9 months with eternal perspective, a breadcrumb or two and a thankful heart that He's called me to this journey.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
.faithful.
again - once again, God had proven Himself faithful. why am i still surprised by this? you'd think for someone who met Jesus when i was 12 - a good 15 years later that i'd have figured out that God is faithful by now.
do i know this is true? yes (in my heart at least)
do i doubt this is true? yes (in my head i do at times)
this is my conflict. in my heart i know that God is faithful - so STINKIN' faithful it can be eerie. but in my head, because i'm human and often times not so smart, i doubt that this is true because i can't see things the way He sees them and i want to tangibly see them in a way i can understand. but does that change the fact that He is faithful? NO - unquestionably no.
so... here i am today, amazed by his faithfulness in my life and the life of my dear friend. we spent the weekend laughing harder than i've laughed in a long time, having brutally honest conversation, eating great food and just loving to be together. we split ways this afternoon, each having a "faithful in the little things" assignment and we re-convened by phone tonight.
what we discovered was that when we are faithful in the little things, He will leave us amazed at who He is and echo our mustard seed-sized faithfulness with His faithfulness BEYOND what we could have asked or imagined. thank you, Lord for being faithful and thank you, Emily for being "that friend."
do i know this is true? yes (in my heart at least)
do i doubt this is true? yes (in my head i do at times)
this is my conflict. in my heart i know that God is faithful - so STINKIN' faithful it can be eerie. but in my head, because i'm human and often times not so smart, i doubt that this is true because i can't see things the way He sees them and i want to tangibly see them in a way i can understand. but does that change the fact that He is faithful? NO - unquestionably no.
so... here i am today, amazed by his faithfulness in my life and the life of my dear friend. we spent the weekend laughing harder than i've laughed in a long time, having brutally honest conversation, eating great food and just loving to be together. we split ways this afternoon, each having a "faithful in the little things" assignment and we re-convened by phone tonight.
what we discovered was that when we are faithful in the little things, He will leave us amazed at who He is and echo our mustard seed-sized faithfulness with His faithfulness BEYOND what we could have asked or imagined. thank you, Lord for being faithful and thank you, Emily for being "that friend."
Saturday, September 6, 2008
.hollywood.
hollywood on a friday night...
don't know anywhere else like it and there's a piece of me that wishes i didn't live quite-so-close. it's a bit crazy, but there's this weird sort of charm that accompanies the insanity of it all.
4 of us girls, feeling spunky and 21 again, loaded up and drove to hollywood at about 9:45 last night for a concert of a friend of a friend. really, it was just a reason to get out and do something. here are a few of the highlights:
1) paying $12 to park in the wrong parking lot and walk 4 blocks when there was a spot about 4 steps from the venue was charging $4.50
2) getting to bust out the GPS on the iPhone for the first time to figure out where the heck the "M Bar" was
3) getting told by a guy off the street that he'd pay us $450 an hour - flattering, really, but we'll have to pass
4) being in a place where we were very possibly the ONLY ones who didn't have some association to the musician, but yet being very possibly his loudest fans
5) walking back to the car at 1:00 am and stopping to pay our respects to the "stars" of john wayne, michael jackson and ruth hussey (we're not sure who she is either, but the fact that her last name is hussey makes her likeable in our book!)
6) going to bed at 2:15am and feeling like we were really cool for staying out late (though it happens all of once or twice a year)
all in all - 4 fun girls, one friday night, an adventure indeed. this is one of those days when i'm sooooo not jealous of my friends at home with crying kids - perfectly content to be where i'm at.
don't know anywhere else like it and there's a piece of me that wishes i didn't live quite-so-close. it's a bit crazy, but there's this weird sort of charm that accompanies the insanity of it all.
4 of us girls, feeling spunky and 21 again, loaded up and drove to hollywood at about 9:45 last night for a concert of a friend of a friend. really, it was just a reason to get out and do something. here are a few of the highlights:
1) paying $12 to park in the wrong parking lot and walk 4 blocks when there was a spot about 4 steps from the venue was charging $4.50
2) getting to bust out the GPS on the iPhone for the first time to figure out where the heck the "M Bar" was
3) getting told by a guy off the street that he'd pay us $450 an hour - flattering, really, but we'll have to pass
4) being in a place where we were very possibly the ONLY ones who didn't have some association to the musician, but yet being very possibly his loudest fans
5) walking back to the car at 1:00 am and stopping to pay our respects to the "stars" of john wayne, michael jackson and ruth hussey (we're not sure who she is either, but the fact that her last name is hussey makes her likeable in our book!)
6) going to bed at 2:15am and feeling like we were really cool for staying out late (though it happens all of once or twice a year)
all in all - 4 fun girls, one friday night, an adventure indeed. this is one of those days when i'm sooooo not jealous of my friends at home with crying kids - perfectly content to be where i'm at.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
.first day of school.
i had my "first day of school today." my mom would be so proud because i went out of my way to introduce myself and make friends and i even hung out with the "teacher."
no, i'm not back in grade school. no, i'm not even in a new grad school class - those start in 3 weeks. today marks the first day of my quasi-internship at rock harbor (the church i attend). granted, i have been a faithful attendee for 5 plus years now so the church isn't new, but the role most definitely is. i will be acting as the right-hand woman in college ministry for the coming school year, starting today.
i walked into a room promptly at 9am for a three hour staff and spouses meeting. i found a seat next to my one friend and his wife and i felt like the new kid on the first day of school at a brand new school where all the kids know each other. it was a fantastically awkward feeling. which, if you know me, you're probably thinking, "are you kidding, bree? you're one of the most social people i know!" agreed... except in this kind of a situation where i wish i was a snail or a turtle and had a shell to crawl into.
i sat there attentively for 3 hours, learned a ton and even got to absorb ridiculous amounts of wisdom and biblical context on prayer, which was amazing. at the end, we were told to break up into groups of 4 or 5 and pray together. i turn around to join a group and none other than the "rabbi" of all teaching pastors was sitting in my group. awesome. i know my voice probably shook a little from the pressure of praying in his group, but the good news is, i never have to have another first day on the job at rock harbor. it's all down hill from here. :)
no, i'm not back in grade school. no, i'm not even in a new grad school class - those start in 3 weeks. today marks the first day of my quasi-internship at rock harbor (the church i attend). granted, i have been a faithful attendee for 5 plus years now so the church isn't new, but the role most definitely is. i will be acting as the right-hand woman in college ministry for the coming school year, starting today.
i walked into a room promptly at 9am for a three hour staff and spouses meeting. i found a seat next to my one friend and his wife and i felt like the new kid on the first day of school at a brand new school where all the kids know each other. it was a fantastically awkward feeling. which, if you know me, you're probably thinking, "are you kidding, bree? you're one of the most social people i know!" agreed... except in this kind of a situation where i wish i was a snail or a turtle and had a shell to crawl into.
i sat there attentively for 3 hours, learned a ton and even got to absorb ridiculous amounts of wisdom and biblical context on prayer, which was amazing. at the end, we were told to break up into groups of 4 or 5 and pray together. i turn around to join a group and none other than the "rabbi" of all teaching pastors was sitting in my group. awesome. i know my voice probably shook a little from the pressure of praying in his group, but the good news is, i never have to have another first day on the job at rock harbor. it's all down hill from here. :)
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