.paralyzed.

something about this whole job search thing has left me feeling paralyzed. like i'm stuck in a New York City traffic jam with no way out,



or like i'm water that's meant to be rushing down a river and i'm dammed up because someone stuck a wall there.

that's a little bit how i feel. now, let me be honest about something if i can. i'm grateful for this time. stinkin' grateful to get the chance to work part time from home for an organization i believe in with my whole being - operation hope. i love that i get to have a small piece in changing one itty bitty corner of Africa and that they have trusted me enough to let me do it from orange county so i don't have to uproot my life. did i say i love it? because i do. it's fantastic.

but there's just something about not being able to move out, not being able to "go to work" everyday, not being able to meet new people and have a reason to get out of the house that has me paralyzed. (not to mention my car's in the shop all day...) i don't think this is the way my God created me to live. i don't think this is the "abundant life" he talks about in his word. i don't feel like my soul is being fed sitting at home on my computer looking for part time jobs and re-creating a website. maybe if i was a stay-at-home-mom, this whole part-time from home job thing would be just what i need, but i'm not and i'm going nuts.

i know that student ministry fills my soul, it gives me a reason to live beyond myself, it makes me recognize that the job is bigger than me and that i have a gracious God who loves to have his kids depend on him, so he makes it bigger than i can handle on purpose. i miss that. terribly and i want desperately for him to provide a job for me that will allow me to do student ministry, but they are hard to come by in these times because of the current situation of non-profits. so if you're reading this, pray with me.

i want out of the traffic jam, i want the dam to break and i want my life and spirit and soul to be set free to live and minister the way that God created me. i. love. Jesus. and i desperately want to take that love to kids who are without it. it fills my soul like nothing else can or will. so Lord, in your sovereign mercy, provide a way out.

.i've come to expect it.

i am a good driver. i swear. i even have good driver status with my insurance company. but this last 4 months or so has really been a doozie for my fender-bender record. i mean they're fender benders, right? mmmmhmmmm... about $2000 worth of fender bender damage, $1600 of it - NOT MY FAULT. did i make that clear? just checking...

the three "not my faults" happened within 10 days of each other, somewhere in mid-june, also mid-grad school finals. those sucked with a capital S. i paid my dues (in graduation money), got over it and moved on with my life. now let's get something straight, i've spent the majority of the summer in other cities either not driving or driving other people's cars, so i'm not new to this whole, "it's not my car" thing. but yesterday, oh yesterday - thank God you're done with.

a little context. i'm staying in bakersfield (better known as "the armit of california") hanging out with my younger cousins while their parents are out of town. i'm also driving my aunt's way-bigger-than-mine car. there. context.

i'm in the pick up line at the kids' school yesterday, get all 3 kids and a 90lb chocolate lab in the car and get ready to go. i put the beast in reverse just in time to "not see" the lady who was behind me. as in the title, i've come to expect it... i realize i've tapped her car and proceed to pull forward and get out to deal with the situation, it's so not the first time this has happened. assuming the christian school mom would be able to handle it was my first mistake. here's a brief synopsis of the dialogue - we'll call her "loca" for now.

me: "ma'am, i'm so sorry i hit your car." (yes, i said ma'am, i was raised properly)

loca: "you did damage to my car. i can't believe this... i just can't believe this. i have so much stress in my life and you just did damage to my car."

me: "like i said, i'm sorry. i promise i'll take care of the damages, whatever they are" (likely a paint scratch, maybe a pinky sized push out of a dent, but you'd think i'd taken the life of her firstborn).

loca: "how did you not see me? i know that car has a camera, my daughter has one."

me: "the camera's broken. can't tell you why. it's not my car. again, i'm sorry."

loca: "how do i know you're going to take care of this? do you even have insurance on this car?"

me: "yes ma'am, we have insurance. like i said, this is not my car, it's my aunt's. i'm watching her kids while she's out of town, but yes we have insurance and trust me when i say i'll take care of it. i'll pay it out of pocket."

loca: "oh great, and you're not even from here? now there's a kid driving and doing damage to my car in the parking lot?!?! where's that paper? i need your aunt's name and phone number, right now. you know what, i need you to call her while i'm standing here and tell her what you did. i need to know this is going to get taken care of."

(at this point, my 14 year old, half boy/half man (ban) cousin sees her psychoticness, gets out of the car and comes to my rescue)

me: "i'm sorry, but i'm not a kid. i'm 28 years old and i promise you i'll take care of this. my aunt will not answer her phone because she's out of town, but if it makes you happy, i'll call her."

(call my aunt, like i said, she doesn't answer the phone. she's in vegas. who answers their phone in vegas?!?!)

me: "she's not answering, but feel free to call her and leave her a message if it makes you feel better. but i'm responsible and i promise i'll take care of it."

loca: "how do i know you're responsible?"

me: (growing more impatient) "i'm pretty sure they wouldn't have trusted me with their 3 kids if i wasn't responsible."

loca: "oh don't get smart with me. do i need to call the police"

(was i getting smart? i think not... and the police have much better things to do with their time)

me: "i don't think that's necessary for a scratch. it will probably take about an hour to file a report and neither of us have that much time to kill."

loca: "whatever. you better take care of this."

me: "don't worry. i promise i will. just call my cell phone when you get a few estimates and i'll write you a check."

loca: "you didn't even ask me my name."

me: "would you like me to put your contact info in my phone?"

loca: "whatever." and gets in her car.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? my cousin looks at me and says, "she was crazy. what the heck was her deal?"

we get in the car and proceed with our not-so-perfect afternoon (more for another blog) and i gladly said goodbye to yesterday. but the story continued this morning. on the way to bring the kids to school - in my car of course - i get a phone call from a number i don't recognize. i don't answer because that's how i roll if i don't know who you are. no message. i decide i should probably call back. so i call. again, here's the interaction -way more brief this time.

me: "hi, this is breanne returning your call."

loca: "oh hey sweetie (um, yes, she inserted sweetie right here) it's already been taken care of."

me: "excuse me? i'm happy to pay for it, it's my fault."

loca: "no, i talked to your aunt already and she and i are going to work it out. i mean, i know how it is driving an unfamiliar car with a bunch of kids and the parking lot at the school can be really confusing and hard to maneuver. i totally understand." (can we say bipolar?!!?)

me: "no honestly, i want to pay for it. it's totally my fault."

loca: "well why don't you work that out with your aunt when she gets home. is that okay honey?" (WHAT?!?! now i'm honey?)

me: "um, sure. i guess."

loca: "okay, have a nice day."

me: "you too, bye"

and that was that. and i still didn't catch her name. so the nameless bipolar loca and i are apparently now b.f.f. and so goes my life. the drama? the fender benders? i've come to expect it.

.grace.

"oh grace, she's never left me. i continually walk away and take advantage of it just about everyday. oh grace." - trevor davis


this week i have seen grace.

i have seen it in the eyes, voice and unexplainable understanding of my new employer who just somehow "gets it" and doesn't judge me or punish me, but instead just extends grace.

i have seen it in the attitudes of my parents who, though i've chosen something contrary to what they'd choose for me, they've begun to extend grace.

i have seen it in giving of a woman who i did missions with this summer who blessed my socks off.

i have seen it in the large group of people who showed up tonight to attend a fundraising banquet where Christ was lifted up and money was raised for kids in Africa to be fed and clothed.

i see grace all around me and fail to recognize it, but this week? this week i've seen it, named it am trying to extend more of it into the lives of others because i am 100% confident that's what Christ would do. So Lord,

"let me be open
let me be humble
let me find the joy of my salvation in your cross

let me be broken
whenever i stumble
let me remember the great mercy of my God." - caedmon's call

.who.what.when.where... and WHY?

so there's a battle being waged. it's in my soul. i think it's real. you may beg to differ, but it doesn't make it any less real to me.

who - me, my life, my existence, my friendships, my stability, my last 7 years

what - it's at stake, threatened to be uprooted, at risk of crumbling

when - sometime in the next 6 weeks (yikes!)

where - texas... the great state of texas

WHY - a job. a tailor-made, really great job bids me come and die to all i know


but it's what i DON'T know that is getting me stuck. i don't know what's better (or worse) at 28:
a) to LOVE your job and have limited stability and friendships for an approximate year adjustment period
or
b) to LOVE where you live and who you're surrounded by but dislike your job (or lack thereof).

now i've heard arguments both ways from people i both respect and trust, but truly have no handle on the situation. i feel like the more i wrestle with it, the more confusion sets in. should i just flip a coin? i mean, the heartache and headache and wallet-ache that comes with being an unemployed masters degree-holding girl is pretty intense and i've been feeling the weight of that lately. but... the heartache and soul ache and potential bout of depression that come with relocating everything i know just for a job is also quite the feat to willingly take on. but which costs less?

if i had to answer honestly in this moment? surrendering the job would actually 'cost less' to me. financially, not a wise decision, but the emotional and spiritual cost of moving are more than i can bear without immediately producing floods of tears. so which way do you turn? how do you make a choice like this in a matter of days? which one will i live to regret if i choose the other?

good gosh, i wanna go to sleep tonight and wake up in 6 months. please...

.fox wedding. - #11

so here starts the summer blogging. after an amazing graduation party, i embarked (masters diploma in hand) on what proved to be one of the most amazing summers of my life...

july 3, 2009 - the 11th wedding i've been in :)



nick and keri fox were married. it was a gift to be in their wedding because i'm friends with them as a couple, but independently as well. they have been part of my life the last year and a half or so and have become "soul people." our tuesday night group is one of those places where your soul spills out, whether you choose for it to or not and with that comes deep, solid friendships. it was the first wedding ever to take place at ROCKHARBOR, pretty rad stuff.

i got to be in the wedding party with people that have become dear friends during my brief stint on fake RH staff. it was truly a day worth celebrating and just as i've gotten to walk with this couple the last 18 months or so, i also got to walk to the front of a church with them and celebrate their journey that's just begun.

fox's - here's to you! thanks for allowing me to help celebrate your day. you made it to the starting line - let the wedded bliss begin!!!! looking forward to many more years of friendship!