The Gem

It's been too long... I know... let's not talk about it. Instead we'll talk about a book that I can't shake.

I just finished reading a gem - a literal gem. "Bread and Wine" is a gem because:
1) it's by Shauna Niequist which automatically equals gem status
2) it's got real-life, honest raw stories in it
3) the side dish to those stories are BOMB recipes
4) it has to do with Jesus, building community, food and wine

So really, what's not to like?!?!

Here's the thing I can't shake about this book: Shauna is my people - she writes from such an honest perspective that it just tugs at the little places in my heart that people usually can't get to - you know - the depth you feel when the community around you is real, vulnerable and beautiful, the body image, bathing suit season stuff, the Jesus is in our breaking bread and being around the table stuff, the trying to find balance in life stuff. These are topics that tug at my heart strings and stuff that makes my soul come alive (okay maybe not the bathing suit season part, but the rest of it).

Pinky promise that I'm not related to or friends with Shauna and getting paid to rave about her. I truly just think she's that great and if I could write a book, it would be similar to all three of hers - or maybe an intricately weaved combination of the three. I just feel like she speaks to my soul, she understands women, community, the important things in life and she's honest about the hard stuff.

Here's something she blogged recently that I seriously could not get over because it's exactly what I needed to hear and something that is the perfect picture of why I love her writing.

Below is the recipe for Flourless Brownies - holy smokes these are STUPID GOOD. Let's just say I made them three times in a 24 hour period. They are gluten free, delightful, so not healthy, but so delicious with fresh raspberries - nothing better and I am not even a chocolate lover. Sweet Jesus, just make them. And then go buy the book because there's way more goodness where that came from. You'll thank me later - probably just for the book suggestion and not for what will happen to your jeans after you read it. :)

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon almond extract (the secret weapon)
3 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups almod meal (or finely ground almonds)
1 cup walnuts (optional, I make them without because of my potential to end up in the hospital)

INSTRUCTIONS:
- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
- Melt the chocolate and butter over low heat in a saucepan, stirring until glossy and smooth
- Take the pan off heat, mix in the vanilla, sugar and almond extract, and let it cool for just a few minutes
- Stir the eggs into the saucepan, then add the ground almonds and optional nuts and stir again. The batter will be a little grainy at this point because of the almonds, but don't worry a bit.
- Pour batter into an 8x8 pan and bake for 25-30 minutes, until the top has set but the brownies are still a little wiggly. Let cool completely and then cut.

You're welcome!

.learning to need...

i was re-vamping my blog (which is still in process because frankly, i got tired last night, so bear with me), but i realized the title of it is "learning to need Him." i debated if i should change that, if i should modify it - i mean, what do you do with a phrase like that? i think i am and always will be learning to need more of Jesus. i can hope that i'll get to a point where i can say, "alright, i've learned it all. i'm up to the brim with learning how to have more of Jesus and we're in a good place. check." but that's not how it works. i know we're never done.

sadly, if you were to ask me what i'm learning to need right now, i'd probably not say it's much of Jesus. what i'm learning to need right now are things like more sleep, less stress, a better immune system, more time at home, a job in california for my boyfriend which will mean all of the things listed above will get better...

those are the things i'm learning to need because my mind and body are forcing me to. that and a glass of red wine to cover the multitude.

so where does that leave me? and Jesus - where does that leave Him? i still need Him and the above things absolutely cannot be handled properly without Him, so i guess that leaves me where i started... learning to need Him but taking the long way to get there. say a little prayer for me, for us if you think of it. we've got a bit of learning to do.

.beautiful mess.

so i have this really cute purse. i can only say that because my grandma picked it out and gave it to me - i had nothing to do with it. but i love it. the inside lining is way cute, it's the right size, it goes with anything, it's just fun. i've loved carrying it and get tons of "where did you get that? i love it!"'s from other girls. i mean what girl doesn't want that right? it really is a beautiful purse. or more like a beautiful mess...

about 10 days ago i realized my motrin bottle's top wasn't snug and the ENTIRE BOTTLE spilled in the bottom of my purse. 10 days ago. so for that long i've been walking around with the inside of my purse looking like this...

on the outside it's beautiful... on the inside, it's a mess. i considered cleaning it out tonight and then abruptly changed my mind. the task seemed too daunting because i couldn't simply scoop those guys up and throw them away, i'd have missed a significant amount of the mess and been frustrated when i found it later. the reason i avoided is that it was too much work. I'd have had to empty the whole purse and then take every inch of the mess out and then put it back in one by one. i think as broken humans we're not all too different from my purse... beautiful on the outside but a mess on the inside. i think we'd like to scrape off and scoop out and cover up the stuff people can see - or put on our really cute lining and versatile frame and then not let anyone see the inside. i think all too often i am guilty of putting on this "i've got it together look" so that other people will say to me or about me, "where'd you get that? i love it!" and i can make up some excuse about how i've got it all under control and i'm always doing great - God has blessed me so much. while the whole "i am so blessed" part is true, the other part is not and i think the nasty human in me loves to fall into that trap of not wanting anyone to see the mess and not wanting to deal with it.

this week it's kind of crashed down on me. this amazing new God-given gift of a guy was here with me for a week, we had awesome plans, i was getting back into the work groove with our trips going out this summer, i had fun plans with friends, i was back on my workout routine & feeling better. i had it all goin' on. i was in the zone, lookin like it was all good and well and was ready for people to ask me, "where'd you get that?" that put together life, great boyfriend, amazing job, etc.

and then i got a gnarly case of strep throat that has knocked me down for almost a week. the spilled bottle of motrin just showed its mess to everyone - to my boyfriend who's had to take care of me, to my interns who've had to pick up slack at work, to my trainer who i had to cancel all my workouts this week. the mess started showing & i've been stuck at home this week picking up the pieces and sifting through some of the pieces that i left behind a few months ago. turns out we're all just that - a beautiful mess. and to be honest, i think much of me functions better in sorting through messes than in beauty.

.lessons from weeds.

our culture tends to categorize things: beautiful, ugly; worthy, worthless; significant, insignificant. i had a profound moment today... with the weeds in my backyard. no, i'm not kidding. we've had quite a bit of rain this spring and now that the sun's finally found its way to santa barbara again, my backyard is growing. growing with things that are "unwelcome" by anyone's standards. things that you look at and go, "man, i wish i had the time to get rid of that stuff because weeds are just useless and annoying." you've all been there... don't lie.

i walked outside and saw the weeds this morning. i walked past them once and made the above comment in my head. i walked past them a second time and stopped. i saw them differently. i saw significance and i saw beauty and i thought, "how awesome is our God that He even chose to make weeds beautiful. He could have made them brown and twig-like and spiky, but he didn't (unless your talking about the Texas type - tumble weeds, but disregard those for the value of this post, thanks). i thought about this as i went about my day today & was grateful for a Creator who loves his creation enough to make beauty out of something we so often deem useless. and then i was done with it. i was going to keep this picture in my mind and move on.
and then i was on the phone telling the story a little later and one of my favorite people said back to me - "i don't think God sees weeds as useless or insignificant. they are beautiful to Him." wow. so true. if all of creation was made to glorify him, then that includes weeds. he made those "annoying" little pests to glorify himself and you know what? they are beautiful. and because he made people and we're his favorite, we are to enjoy the creation he deems beautiful. so what did i do next? this...
i took that creation that we often label as ugly, annoying and insignificant and i brought it into my world and it brightened up my home. i am grateful to love and serve a God that values weeds and that values me when i see myself as a weed or even when i'm acting like a weed. i'm glad He knows how to make beauty out of ashes and continues to do that in my life, making me significant, worthy and beautiful only because of how good He is.

.turning a corner.

this last month has been hard. really hard. maybe all in all the toughest month of my life. satan has literally attacked every area of my being - my friendships, my love life, my family, my finances, my work and my body. the month of february has been exhausting, frustrating, unnerving, anger-provoking, devastating and empty. and i've been pushing back against God. i've been in the struggle with him, feeling like he's not fighting for me. i've been in a gnarly season of questions and stubbornness.

this last week there has been a little lull in the chaos and i've felt like i'm starting to turn a corner for the better.

me and God? we're talking again. me and my friends? we're starting to mend some of the brokenness. my family? we're starting to deal with the reality of living life without a man we loved so much. my finances? there's enough there to cover the deficit. my work? God is beginning to open doors we didn't think were open for this summer. i feel like God is beginning to move and i am am finally throwing in the white flag - surrendering my desire to control, giving up the struggle and letting Him fight for me.

today was the first day i've ever heard this song by brandon heath and it's helping me to cease struggling and trust:

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame I know I should know better
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
I needed life, you gave me yours
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

.simple - real simple.

i'm not sure if you've heard of it but there's this magazine called "real simple" i pretty much love it. i want to be it. before you think i'm a freak, let me explain what i mean by that last statement. i want to be it as in i want to live the life the magazine creates for you... example:

- i want to find new uses for old things so that i can a) not spend as much $$$, b) be more creative with my resources, c) be awesome

- i want to wear the cute color pairings it suggests - the rich burnt orange with the plum - who doesn't want to wear that? and the super cute dress that only costs what my entire "shopping" budget is for the whole quarter? i'd like that too.

- i want to be able to pull off the "you have 12 extra minutes? clean your entryway so it looks spotless and has fresh flowers and a wreath on the door" exercise.

- i want to host a party and have it be "just what i pictured in my head" but done on a manageable budget on a short time frame.

- i want to meet fascinating people and be able to tell their story in written word so that others can benefit from their life's lessons.

- i want to find a "classic look" haircut or jeans or shoes or sunglasses - something that is just me, that i know works and can default to that when all else fails.

- i want to be creative/organized/incredible enough to plan at least 3-4 fun meals in a week and enjoy cooking and/or sharing them with those around me who could use a little love in the form of food and a good conversation.

and finally...

- i want to get back to the "simple" way of life. the way of doing things that makes my life less chaotic and more simple. real simple.

but here's the thing. we started talking about "simple" today in the context of our faith. how do we go back to the basics of our faith in Jesus and what does it look like to become "real simple" in that regard? my friend kim had it down - here's her simple.

1) Jesus loves me.
2) I know it's true.
3) His promises are sure.

and i think that's where my priorities are skewed. even in my faith, i'm so worried about all the fluff - about what others will think about me, about how i will fit it into my day with everything else going on, about the gray areas that don't really matter but i spend so much time thinking/talking about, about why God seems to show up sometimes & not others, about why he would take away people we love, about why there's evil on this earth, about why the sun rises and sets.

i mean all good questions, but what really needs to be simplified? my faith. not my life. living that "real simple" lifestyle is a band-aid over the need to simplify my faith - a reality that will change everything and i mean everything about how i live my life.

to remember that there's no doubt that I'm radically loved by a God who keeps promises. the end.

.blessed are the flexible.

“blessed are the flexible for they shall not be broken.” this was the mantra of a training i did for a bunch of missionaries last summer. what I’m learning is that it’s a good life rule to live by. you see, i’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed this, but women tend to like to control things. you’ll be shocked to know this is true of me and that I like order. gasp. who knew?

well, the main man in my life turned 29 this week and we had great celebration plans for the day of his birth which began with a weekend in northern california attending a few pro sports games and loving doing life with great friends.
i returned home and went straight to bed - exhausted from the bliss that was our weekend. the next morning i walked into the kitchen only to experience what may have been one of my saddest moments. i had planned ahead and saved some good steaks from my dad and a piece of recently-caught salmon from a friend and was intending on making the “perfect” surf and turf dinner for my guy’s birthday. it was gonna be awesome. i had bought a few things i’d need and was beyond excited to be able to celebrate him with our motley crew of friends on his actual birthday.

i walked into the kitchen and audibly gagged. the smell resembled a meat market in a third world country and the sight was tragic - salmon juice and meat blood on the tile floor. i was close to tears. i opened the freezer and by the pungent smell and the looks of things, the fridge had gone out about friday... it was now monday morning. what’s the first thing you do in the kitchen when you’re uncertain about something? call your mom of course. the worst was confirmed... surf and turf birthday dinner was doomed for the trash can. i plugged my nose and begrudgingly threw away the most beautiful slab of salmon and a few prime steaks. i texted the birthday guy and told him the sad news. It was then that my friend charlie’s mantra began to play in my head... and i remembered to be flexible. i told him that we would certainly celebrate him, even if it meant ordering pizza and it would be a good night.

it’s been almost 2 weeks since the incident and i’m finally not too traumatized to write about it. turns out his roommate came to the rescue and bbqued some ribs and everything else on the menu was do-able, even without a fridge. i was so grateful for lots of helping hands and friends to bail me out. but bigger than that, i think something happened in me. i was given permission to cry and to be sad and to grieve the loss of my “oh-so-perfect-birthday-dinner-for-my-guy.” okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but... i remembered the mantra and didn’t break down. instead i was flexible and i was not broken. for certain there are times when brokenness is appropriate and healthy, but this was once of those situations where I had a choice. so I chose flexibility over control. and we celebrated and he felt loved and we all went home with full tummies and overflowing hearts.
i’m grateful for charlie and his wisdom. it turns out that when I am flexible and willing to surrender control, i am not broken and i’m way more fun to be around. lesson one of many I’m sure.

.i wanna.

lately i've been more inspired to do the things i've always wanted to do. to go after stuff i haven't wanted to go after for a long time. i think part of that is a change of pace - a new place to live, new friendships, new goals, etc. i think part of that is reading books like "bittersweet"

by a writer named shauna niequist who i feel like i'm friends with, even though at best, she's a friend of a friend. it's inspiring me in ways i haven't been inspired in years as did her first book (cold tangerines). i think part of it is seeing how my sort of friend kristen is inspiring and growing the students she teaches. i think the other part of it is being in a relationship with someone who asks hard questions like, "what would you do if no one stopped you?" or "have you ever thought about writing?" or "start praying about God opening up those doors again." i think the biggest part of it is my Creator, who made me with the gifts he made me with is helping me find out the best way to use those gifts to expand HIS kingdom, not mine. so here's my little list of "i wanna's" that's been finding it's way from the recesses of my brain to the forefront and causing me to think, to dream, to remember, to get scared and excited all at the same time. so Father, i invite you into my "i wanna's" and i tell you do do what YOU wanna do with them. use them to glorify your name.

i wanna...

- start writing more (which inevitably means less people time, yikes! have you met me?)
- start reading more (which is essential when you want to write more and also means less people time)
- learn the guitar and do it well so that i can use the gifts i don't use very often & learn to speak through music
- teach again (did i just say that?!?!? that's a whole other blog post that i'm not ready to verbalize yet)
- work with high school and college students again (shocker! ha.)
- get better at loving those in my life really really well (i feel like i've slacked at this lately)
- have people over for meals more often and ask how life is and really listen

so God, little by little would you grow those things in me and make me more like you by doing them.

.on loss.

this week we lost a dear friend. a friend who was both sweet and sassy. a friend who fought a more than 10-year classy fight with a brain tumor. Claire Carey is with Jesus and while there's clearly a part of me that's saddened over the loss of a friend, there's part of me that's envious of where she is right now - the songs she's singing that have been sung for thousands of years, the dancing she's doing without needing any help, the talking she's doing without delay and without the struggle it's been to tell her brain to tell her mouth what to speak, but mostly the sweet interaction she's having with our gracious God who gave her to us, but now has called her home to Himself.



there is a sense of loss for those of us left behind. those of us who knew her only peripherally, those of us who got to spend time with her weekly at home group and those of us who were in her daily, even hourly life. it's for those that my heart hurts most. for her husband, her best friends, her family, her caretakers the last few years. there's no worse pain.

but there's something that happens when we lose someone.

we give ourselves permission to grieve - to cry, to pray, to talk about things we wouldn't normally, to drop everything else to be community for each other.

and there's something about this that i think is so healthy, so right.

after our home group spending time together last night doing just those things, i went home feeling somewhat relieved, feeling more peaceful, feeling more raw but simultaneously more put together than i did when i got there. why? because we need that. and we need that more often than just when there is loss. we need that regularly. we were meant to be known. so why do we only use tragedy as an excuse to cry, be honest, drop all other things to be family? my resolve is to do this more often... to be family for those He's put in my life and to be real and give others permission to do the same whether times are good or bad.

Claire Carey, thanks for trusting that God is good despite your inability to understand your circumstances and thanks for using your life as a testimony of that. and thanks for making us family this week. we will miss you here, but will see you there when He calls us home.

.i've come to expect it.

i am a good driver. i swear. i even have good driver status with my insurance company. but this last 4 months or so has really been a doozie for my fender-bender record. i mean they're fender benders, right? mmmmhmmmm... about $2000 worth of fender bender damage, $1600 of it - NOT MY FAULT. did i make that clear? just checking...

the three "not my faults" happened within 10 days of each other, somewhere in mid-june, also mid-grad school finals. those sucked with a capital S. i paid my dues (in graduation money), got over it and moved on with my life. now let's get something straight, i've spent the majority of the summer in other cities either not driving or driving other people's cars, so i'm not new to this whole, "it's not my car" thing. but yesterday, oh yesterday - thank God you're done with.

a little context. i'm staying in bakersfield (better known as "the armit of california") hanging out with my younger cousins while their parents are out of town. i'm also driving my aunt's way-bigger-than-mine car. there. context.

i'm in the pick up line at the kids' school yesterday, get all 3 kids and a 90lb chocolate lab in the car and get ready to go. i put the beast in reverse just in time to "not see" the lady who was behind me. as in the title, i've come to expect it... i realize i've tapped her car and proceed to pull forward and get out to deal with the situation, it's so not the first time this has happened. assuming the christian school mom would be able to handle it was my first mistake. here's a brief synopsis of the dialogue - we'll call her "loca" for now.

me: "ma'am, i'm so sorry i hit your car." (yes, i said ma'am, i was raised properly)

loca: "you did damage to my car. i can't believe this... i just can't believe this. i have so much stress in my life and you just did damage to my car."

me: "like i said, i'm sorry. i promise i'll take care of the damages, whatever they are" (likely a paint scratch, maybe a pinky sized push out of a dent, but you'd think i'd taken the life of her firstborn).

loca: "how did you not see me? i know that car has a camera, my daughter has one."

me: "the camera's broken. can't tell you why. it's not my car. again, i'm sorry."

loca: "how do i know you're going to take care of this? do you even have insurance on this car?"

me: "yes ma'am, we have insurance. like i said, this is not my car, it's my aunt's. i'm watching her kids while she's out of town, but yes we have insurance and trust me when i say i'll take care of it. i'll pay it out of pocket."

loca: "oh great, and you're not even from here? now there's a kid driving and doing damage to my car in the parking lot?!?! where's that paper? i need your aunt's name and phone number, right now. you know what, i need you to call her while i'm standing here and tell her what you did. i need to know this is going to get taken care of."

(at this point, my 14 year old, half boy/half man (ban) cousin sees her psychoticness, gets out of the car and comes to my rescue)

me: "i'm sorry, but i'm not a kid. i'm 28 years old and i promise you i'll take care of this. my aunt will not answer her phone because she's out of town, but if it makes you happy, i'll call her."

(call my aunt, like i said, she doesn't answer the phone. she's in vegas. who answers their phone in vegas?!?!)

me: "she's not answering, but feel free to call her and leave her a message if it makes you feel better. but i'm responsible and i promise i'll take care of it."

loca: "how do i know you're responsible?"

me: (growing more impatient) "i'm pretty sure they wouldn't have trusted me with their 3 kids if i wasn't responsible."

loca: "oh don't get smart with me. do i need to call the police"

(was i getting smart? i think not... and the police have much better things to do with their time)

me: "i don't think that's necessary for a scratch. it will probably take about an hour to file a report and neither of us have that much time to kill."

loca: "whatever. you better take care of this."

me: "don't worry. i promise i will. just call my cell phone when you get a few estimates and i'll write you a check."

loca: "you didn't even ask me my name."

me: "would you like me to put your contact info in my phone?"

loca: "whatever." and gets in her car.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? my cousin looks at me and says, "she was crazy. what the heck was her deal?"

we get in the car and proceed with our not-so-perfect afternoon (more for another blog) and i gladly said goodbye to yesterday. but the story continued this morning. on the way to bring the kids to school - in my car of course - i get a phone call from a number i don't recognize. i don't answer because that's how i roll if i don't know who you are. no message. i decide i should probably call back. so i call. again, here's the interaction -way more brief this time.

me: "hi, this is breanne returning your call."

loca: "oh hey sweetie (um, yes, she inserted sweetie right here) it's already been taken care of."

me: "excuse me? i'm happy to pay for it, it's my fault."

loca: "no, i talked to your aunt already and she and i are going to work it out. i mean, i know how it is driving an unfamiliar car with a bunch of kids and the parking lot at the school can be really confusing and hard to maneuver. i totally understand." (can we say bipolar?!!?)

me: "no honestly, i want to pay for it. it's totally my fault."

loca: "well why don't you work that out with your aunt when she gets home. is that okay honey?" (WHAT?!?! now i'm honey?)

me: "um, sure. i guess."

loca: "okay, have a nice day."

me: "you too, bye"

and that was that. and i still didn't catch her name. so the nameless bipolar loca and i are apparently now b.f.f. and so goes my life. the drama? the fender benders? i've come to expect it.

.who.what.when.where... and WHY?

so there's a battle being waged. it's in my soul. i think it's real. you may beg to differ, but it doesn't make it any less real to me.

who - me, my life, my existence, my friendships, my stability, my last 7 years

what - it's at stake, threatened to be uprooted, at risk of crumbling

when - sometime in the next 6 weeks (yikes!)

where - texas... the great state of texas

WHY - a job. a tailor-made, really great job bids me come and die to all i know


but it's what i DON'T know that is getting me stuck. i don't know what's better (or worse) at 28:
a) to LOVE your job and have limited stability and friendships for an approximate year adjustment period
or
b) to LOVE where you live and who you're surrounded by but dislike your job (or lack thereof).

now i've heard arguments both ways from people i both respect and trust, but truly have no handle on the situation. i feel like the more i wrestle with it, the more confusion sets in. should i just flip a coin? i mean, the heartache and headache and wallet-ache that comes with being an unemployed masters degree-holding girl is pretty intense and i've been feeling the weight of that lately. but... the heartache and soul ache and potential bout of depression that come with relocating everything i know just for a job is also quite the feat to willingly take on. but which costs less?

if i had to answer honestly in this moment? surrendering the job would actually 'cost less' to me. financially, not a wise decision, but the emotional and spiritual cost of moving are more than i can bear without immediately producing floods of tears. so which way do you turn? how do you make a choice like this in a matter of days? which one will i live to regret if i choose the other?

good gosh, i wanna go to sleep tonight and wake up in 6 months. please...

.the struggle.

some days i struggle. if i'm honest, most days i struggle. with what? with the fact that life on earth cannot be what it is in heaven. i struggle because all the tears we cry are not tears of joy - because there's sin and trials - because people are imperfect and they hurt you, whether it's their intent or not - because it's a daily fight to do what's right and to be a better person - because i fail often - because i miss my family - because i cannot sit with my Jesus and have a conversation, face to face.

these are the reasons i struggle and this is today's struggle. listening to this song by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton brought tears today making me think about how sweet that day will be - when i'll stand forever in the light of His amazing grace. today's struggle is one day closer to tomorrow's sweet promise. fight on, my soul. soon enough, the day will come...

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.