Friday, April 17, 2009


i can't sleep.

i have to get up in 6 and a half hours and it's just not happening. if you know me at all, you know i'm an 8-9 hours per night kinda girl and i thoroughly enjoy sleeping, so this, my dear friends, is odd. i've had a couple of days that just "spun me out" and i'm not sure how to make sense of it all and the reality of it keeps me up at night.

my uncle and i had a "date night" tonight and we were having a glass of really phenomenal wine, talking life and after explaining my "spin out days," he said to me, "God's just having a little fun with you." now, i'm not sure how i feel about that.

on one hand i felt relieved - "this is not the end of the world. things will get better. God's got something up his sleeve and he's just throwing me a curve ball - it's all good."

on the other hand i felt distraught - "that's so not true. God is not having fun with me because this is not funny. there's no way in heck that this situation is 'funny' to God and he's in the pain with me and not amused by my frustration and disappointment."

after a few hours process time, i'm going with the latter. i am convinced that i love, know and believe in a God who suffers in my suffering and rejoices in my rejoicing. a God who is never late, but always right on time. a God who finishes what He starts. a God who doesn't take his kids far down a path just to leave them stranded. that's just not my God.

so i will trust. i will feel the sting of loss and i will move forward. i will trust that while He may very well be throwing me a curve ball, it's for my own good and i will find Him faithful in the end. has He not always proven Himself to me? is not all i need to be found in Him?

in the words of drew bray,
"all my confidence in myself is failing me
though i understand, my life's in your hands
why can't i seem to let it go?

this is my prayer, this is my cry
to know how to live and to learn how to die.

help me believe, all that i need is in You."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

.long seasons.

seasons last about 3 months. i like that. my grad school operates on the quarter system, i like that too. i think there's something to 3 month increments that's just good. really good. but this season is longer than 3 months. it's in its 7th month and seems to be lingering and not the good kind of lingering that i've spoken of before. this season is lingering like the snow that's still in chicago when summer's around the corner - that's what this feels like. snow in chicago, but in august.

so not appropriate - so not okay - so not how things should be.

i know that i know that i know that this is "just a season" and that in 6 months, maybe even in 3 months, i will look back and this will seem a fast blur. but this 10-month season is just not welcome anymore. the hills i trek up and down everyday, the 30 minute commute to my "job", the hour commute to school, this fridge that doesn't have pictures of my people on it, this bed that isn't mine - it's not welcome anymore. now, don't get me wrong... it's not that i'm ungrateful. i am MORE THAN grateful for the gift this season has been, but it's time.

time to move on. time to sleep in my bed. time to have pictures my niece draws me back on my fridge. time to have people over at my house and just feel at home in their company. time to live with a roommate that knows what facebook and blogging are instead of ones who prefer Mexican Train. time to feel like i'm my age as opposed to the swinging pendulum of one day feeling 12 and the next 70. 3 months seasons are much more my thing, so it's time for this long season to say its goodbyes.

Monday, April 6, 2009


i am so blessed to live in a Community where so many of my friends feel called to adopt. i grew up in a family, or maybe it's a culture, where adoption was never on our radar. i mean, every now and then there would be a couple in our church who'd adopt, but never anyone in close proximity to me. ever since i had 2 friends in high school who were adopted into a family with 3 biological kids, i've been drawn to it.

today i had the privilege of snuggling 2-week old asher, the son of my friends, chosen to be his parents by a 16-year-old girl in colorado. literally 2 weeks ago, they were childless and now their home is filled with diapers, pacifiers, blankies and formula - what a gift! and it's a gift that is a two way street - not only do kyle and kendell get a gift in asher, but his mom gets a gift in finding great parents to raise the child she knew she couldn't.

my heart is drawn to stories like this and i love to hear of teenage girls who do the "unpopular" thing and give birth to a baby and offer it up so that the child has a chance to live life. and i love parents like the blake's, the goodfellow's, the howerton's, the dehaan's who are wiling to open up their hearts and their homes to raise a child who would otherwise be an orphan. i truly believe our God is honored in that and pray that someday i'll be given the chance to give life and love and the hope of Christ to a child who would have otherwise gone without.