Friday, April 17, 2009


i can't sleep.

i have to get up in 6 and a half hours and it's just not happening. if you know me at all, you know i'm an 8-9 hours per night kinda girl and i thoroughly enjoy sleeping, so this, my dear friends, is odd. i've had a couple of days that just "spun me out" and i'm not sure how to make sense of it all and the reality of it keeps me up at night.

my uncle and i had a "date night" tonight and we were having a glass of really phenomenal wine, talking life and after explaining my "spin out days," he said to me, "God's just having a little fun with you." now, i'm not sure how i feel about that.

on one hand i felt relieved - "this is not the end of the world. things will get better. God's got something up his sleeve and he's just throwing me a curve ball - it's all good."

on the other hand i felt distraught - "that's so not true. God is not having fun with me because this is not funny. there's no way in heck that this situation is 'funny' to God and he's in the pain with me and not amused by my frustration and disappointment."

after a few hours process time, i'm going with the latter. i am convinced that i love, know and believe in a God who suffers in my suffering and rejoices in my rejoicing. a God who is never late, but always right on time. a God who finishes what He starts. a God who doesn't take his kids far down a path just to leave them stranded. that's just not my God.

so i will trust. i will feel the sting of loss and i will move forward. i will trust that while He may very well be throwing me a curve ball, it's for my own good and i will find Him faithful in the end. has He not always proven Himself to me? is not all i need to be found in Him?

in the words of drew bray,
"all my confidence in myself is failing me
though i understand, my life's in your hands
why can't i seem to let it go?

this is my prayer, this is my cry
to know how to live and to learn how to die.

help me believe, all that i need is in You."

No comments: