.the struggle.

some days i struggle. if i'm honest, most days i struggle. with what? with the fact that life on earth cannot be what it is in heaven. i struggle because all the tears we cry are not tears of joy - because there's sin and trials - because people are imperfect and they hurt you, whether it's their intent or not - because it's a daily fight to do what's right and to be a better person - because i fail often - because i miss my family - because i cannot sit with my Jesus and have a conversation, face to face.

these are the reasons i struggle and this is today's struggle. listening to this song by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton brought tears today making me think about how sweet that day will be - when i'll stand forever in the light of His amazing grace. today's struggle is one day closer to tomorrow's sweet promise. fight on, my soul. soon enough, the day will come...

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

.a healing season.

i've officially decided that the ocean is good for the soul, therefore, i'm grateful to live mere miles from it! i am in san diego this weekend, peering out over mission bay as the sun heads over the water on its way out for the day, and i am grateful. i am grateful for a weekend of reflection, peace and healing. for a weekend to see a few friends whom i haven't seen in a while and let my soul be restored by laughter and great conversation. for some space from my life, my (dirty) house, my job and my reality.

for me, right now, i need to heal. i need to be restored. i need to remember that my Abba is bigger than anything i will face in this day, month, year or even in this life. i need to have more mission bay weekends where i am reminded of his mercies, as new as the sun rising up over the bay each morning. great is Your faithfulness, o Lord... great is Your faithfulness. and grateful is your little girl.

.motivation.

how does one really get motivated to do something? i mean, obviously it has to be internal, intrinsic. something inside you has to say - "okay, here i go, i'm gonna do this." but how do you force your mind to convince your body that it wants to do that? it's a battle, a struggle, a constant fight for me to get my body to actually do what my mind says it should be doing. for instance - my mind says, "get up and run 8 miles, you're running a 1/2 marathon in 4 weeks." my body says, "ya frickin' right. fat chance." my mind says, "go out of your comfort zone, meet new people, branch out." my body says, " i'm scared. i can't do that. i like the monotony and safety of my life." so i guess it's a 2008 goal - to get my body to extrinsically do what my mind is telling me is best for me. so, 2008 - here we go. body, listen. mind, continue to speak truth.