Monday, February 28, 2011

.turning a corner.

this last month has been hard. really hard. maybe all in all the toughest month of my life. satan has literally attacked every area of my being - my friendships, my love life, my family, my finances, my work and my body. the month of february has been exhausting, frustrating, unnerving, anger-provoking, devastating and empty. and i've been pushing back against God. i've been in the struggle with him, feeling like he's not fighting for me. i've been in a gnarly season of questions and stubbornness.

this last week there has been a little lull in the chaos and i've felt like i'm starting to turn a corner for the better.

me and God? we're talking again. me and my friends? we're starting to mend some of the brokenness. my family? we're starting to deal with the reality of living life without a man we loved so much. my finances? there's enough there to cover the deficit. my work? God is beginning to open doors we didn't think were open for this summer. i feel like God is beginning to move and i am am finally throwing in the white flag - surrendering my desire to control, giving up the struggle and letting Him fight for me.

today was the first day i've ever heard this song by brandon heath and it's helping me to cease struggling and trust:

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame I know I should know better
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
I needed life, you gave me yours
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine