On Being a Working Mom

Confession (always a great way to begin): I haven't written since I became a mom. The days are long and the nights are short and my brain is foggy, so I haven't been able to pull it together enough to write. Incase you haven't seen her, God's given us the cutest, sweetest baby on the planet - I kid you not. But here I am… at the end of my maternity leave, needing some think space.

You see, the idea of going back to work has been exciting for me from weeks 8-13 of maternity leave. The first 8 weeks, I was hardly physically functional and had no desire to return to work, but these last 5 weeks, it's seemed more doable. I've seen a few friends brave the work world again and I've been anticipating that day for myself. Well this past week was week 14, my last week of leave and I now feel differently about going back to work.

I'm guessing this is normal, but to me it feels so unnatural to be leaving my kid with someone else. I didn't think I would have this problem because I'm not a "homebody" kind of a person. Not at all. I LOVE people, love being out of the house and I'm a big fan of contributing to society and the Kingdom of God. Big fan. Because of this, I thought I'd be excited to go back to my part time job that I really enjoy. But I have this sadness in my heart and a fear in my mind as I prepare to leave my girl next week.

It's not that her daddy and our amazing friend Julia aren't going to love her and care for her well. That's not it at all. I completely trust them and I know she'll have delightful days ahead, but I just have this gut wrenching feeling of "They won't love her in the ways I love her." And they won't. They will love her in their own ways and it will be just great for her… and for them. But as her primary care taker for the 14 weeks of her life, I feel like somehow I'm neglecting her and she's going to struggle when I'm gone. And it just feels wrong for her mama to walk away from her twice a week to go and work.

But I've also hit a wall and am beginning to dislike being in my own house (even though we get out pretty often). So I know it's time. I know the hours I spend away from sweet Holland will make me a better mama when I get home and I've had time to miss her. I know that having purpose in my job and making a difference in the world will make me feel more human and less crazy. And I know the time that my husband and our friend Julia spend with our girl will be awesome for them and for her. But this mama may cry on Monday morning when I walk out the door… and that's okay.

I think this is just the beginning of the motherhood tension of letting go but wanting to hang on at the same time.

Seven: Media Day 28 - We Did It!

Someone asked me recently, “What is God teaching you right now?” My almost-immediate response surprised me as I usually think through answers to those types of questions – maybe wanting to sound pious or mature. My answer exited my mouth before I even had time to think about it: “God has been working on teaching me what is important – loving Him and loving people and not worrying so much about my to-do list.”

I tell you this because I think that media month had EVERYTHING to do with this. Headed into media month, I was coming off some of the worst weeks of my life with intense stroke-like atypical migraines… every 4 days. During the “down days” we’ll call them, I had much time to spend with God. He showed up and reminded me of words that I needed to turn into action – like “be” and “abide,” like “grace” and “rest.” As much as my type A personality pushes against that, it was exactly the season I needed. Enter the inspiration to FINALLY read and do “Seven.” I knew this was what my life needed in this season.

During my “down days” I spent much time on Facebook and allowing movie stars to entertain me while I laid on the couch recovering, most faithful golden retriever by my side. When Jarred and I had to choose which month of “Seven” to begin with, media month was a no brainer for the girl who was so over screen time.

So it began… 28 days ago. It’s been a journey – one of peace, quiet, reconnecting, being, abiding, relating and praying. In so many ways, it’s changed us. We may be more present, more likely to pick up the phone, more apt to want to hang out, more excited about going for walks and more in touch. A $12 book can’t buy you that, but a sacrificial experience in your faith journey can do that. We are so grateful – so much so that we want the remnants media month to be ingrained into the fabric of our home.

We have decided that our family will celebrate Sabbath once a week – probably on Mondays – our Sabbath will be media-free. So no media Mondays will be happening in our house. We will laugh, we will talk, we will cry if we need to, we will be together. One night a week will also be media-free. We don’t like the habit of coming home from work just to open computers and not be present. While we learned that sometimes we need to decompress by reading blogs, news, etc., it does not need to happen every night. So one night a week will be set aside for quiet, for connecting, for family. We want this to be a pattern in our house so that when kids come they know that’s just what “we do” and we want them to value it as well.

Jen says this: “Perhaps this is why Scripture calls us to the practice of fasting – from food, from greed, from selfishness, from luxuries. It isn’t just the experience; it’s the discipline. It changes us. Fasting helps us develop mastery over the competing voices in our heads that urge us toward more, toward indulgence, toward emotional volatility.” - pg. 219

Media month did just that for us –it taught us discipline and it has changed us. We recognized that being unplugged warred against the competing voices in our heads saying, “Go read this blog. You HAVE to see what so and so posted on Instagram today. You have 17 Facebook notifications and 30 emails – they must be attended to immediately, especially the ones about Farmville and Male Enhancement ;).” But seriously, it’s so good for your soul, your marriage, your friendships and your busy mind to shut down and just “be.” God asks that of us a few times and the more you practice it, the easier it gets. Discipline changes us.

We love “Seven” – we want more. We are coming to believe that sacrificial living for the purpose of teaching ourselves what we don’t need and learning to depend on Jesus is important. Not only that; it’s scriptural and it’s transforming. We are stoked for month two, which will be… FOOD MONTH! More details to come with a start date of October 9. Thanks for joining us on the journey.

Seven: Media Fast Day 12

Tell the truth Thursday night...

I'm getting tired of it, I cheated to watch a football game today and I could never be a nun. There, I said it.

It's funny how the silence (something we all long for in the chaos) will drive you batty after a while. I do fine on days when we're both off work - the chatter, mindless and/or meaningful, continues throughout the day, we have a to-do list to keep each other motivated with and we will go find something to do together if we're bored. But sweet Jesus, when he's working 13 hour days and I have no human interaction, no radio, no blogs, Facebook or Instagram, I. GO. NUTS. Straight nuts. And then I know I drive him CRAZY as soon as he gets home. It's not fair - he's been around people all day and I've been stuck in this house.

So this week, while he works 7 days in a row, I will be more intentional about time away with friends, making phone calls, being present with humans. It will benefit everyone, I promise.

This is getting difficult, I tell you. I think the hardest thing about it is finding another outlet. It's not that we want to fill our time with media ish, but the problem is that it's how we wind down. We read blogs or yahoo stories or watch YouTube videos to wind down. And now we exchange antsy glances and wonder how to kill that time.

So we had a come to Jesus Day-12 conversation tonight (where one of us got defensive, I'll let you guess who) and we made some decisions about the next 16 days and how we'd like to make media month really worth our sacrifice.

So here are some goals for the next 16 days:

- We'd like to spend more of that unstructured antsy time with Jesus instead of knocking more things off of our to-do lists. While we love productivity, we're pretty sure that's not what this month is about.

- We are not going to TV cheat anymore - even for really important college football games where our alma maters are playing each other for the only time this year.

- One of us needs to use a little less sarcastic banter and useless verbage in text conversations (I'll also let you guess which one that is)

- We want to be more intentional about our time together and how we spend that while we have extra space.

- We want to come up with a plan for a less media rhythm once we are done with this month.

So these are the things you can ask us about if you see us. Feel free. I'm still over it and I still could never be a nun, but I'm attempting to jump back on the bandwagon and be more hard core these next 16 days... pray for our 5 days in Chicago at a REALLY amazing wedding where I'll want to Instagram everything. Self control. That's what to pray for.

This is good for me. This is good for me. This is good for me...

The Gem

It's been too long... I know... let's not talk about it. Instead we'll talk about a book that I can't shake.

I just finished reading a gem - a literal gem. "Bread and Wine" is a gem because:
1) it's by Shauna Niequist which automatically equals gem status
2) it's got real-life, honest raw stories in it
3) the side dish to those stories are BOMB recipes
4) it has to do with Jesus, building community, food and wine

So really, what's not to like?!?!

Here's the thing I can't shake about this book: Shauna is my people - she writes from such an honest perspective that it just tugs at the little places in my heart that people usually can't get to - you know - the depth you feel when the community around you is real, vulnerable and beautiful, the body image, bathing suit season stuff, the Jesus is in our breaking bread and being around the table stuff, the trying to find balance in life stuff. These are topics that tug at my heart strings and stuff that makes my soul come alive (okay maybe not the bathing suit season part, but the rest of it).

Pinky promise that I'm not related to or friends with Shauna and getting paid to rave about her. I truly just think she's that great and if I could write a book, it would be similar to all three of hers - or maybe an intricately weaved combination of the three. I just feel like she speaks to my soul, she understands women, community, the important things in life and she's honest about the hard stuff.

Here's something she blogged recently that I seriously could not get over because it's exactly what I needed to hear and something that is the perfect picture of why I love her writing.

Below is the recipe for Flourless Brownies - holy smokes these are STUPID GOOD. Let's just say I made them three times in a 24 hour period. They are gluten free, delightful, so not healthy, but so delicious with fresh raspberries - nothing better and I am not even a chocolate lover. Sweet Jesus, just make them. And then go buy the book because there's way more goodness where that came from. You'll thank me later - probably just for the book suggestion and not for what will happen to your jeans after you read it. :)

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon almond extract (the secret weapon)
3 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups almod meal (or finely ground almonds)
1 cup walnuts (optional, I make them without because of my potential to end up in the hospital)

INSTRUCTIONS:
- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
- Melt the chocolate and butter over low heat in a saucepan, stirring until glossy and smooth
- Take the pan off heat, mix in the vanilla, sugar and almond extract, and let it cool for just a few minutes
- Stir the eggs into the saucepan, then add the ground almonds and optional nuts and stir again. The batter will be a little grainy at this point because of the almonds, but don't worry a bit.
- Pour batter into an 8x8 pan and bake for 25-30 minutes, until the top has set but the brownies are still a little wiggly. Let cool completely and then cut.

You're welcome!

.walking.

***an interlude in our love story about what God is teaching me*** Here, in America, we live our lives running. We have a list of chores, tasks, meetings, functions, coffee dates, Bible studies, etc. Every single day has a schedule – a plan to go by and if the things planned for that day don’t get done, we stress out because they bleed into the next day’s plan. Here’s what I discovered while walking today… you see SO many things that you miss when you’re running. I used to live in the neighborhood I walked in today. I ran these sidewalks numerous times. I saw things today that I’ve never noticed… lizards – hundreds of tiny lizards darting across the sidewalk out of my way, pathways – (even shortcuts to my own former residence!?!?!), smells of the blooming flowers as I walked past them and the colors, oh my soul, the colors.

Here’s the thing, I think that God was teaching me something as I walked with him today. I live my life at such a fast pace with my to-do lists scheduled to the minute. And you know what? Life isn’t going to get any slower-paced. Marriage has already increased the tasks on my list everyday as I strive to love and serve my husband well and I can only imagine what children will do to my to-do list when they come along. I get stressed even thinking about it. Walking is a choice. Slowing down enough to see what’s around you, to be in the presence of God, to listen for His still, small voice, to ask him what HE might have for you to do today that might not be part of your agenda – these are things we have to CHOOSE. He doesn’t make us puppets, he allows us to choose and I think my lesson today and my “take home” from choosing to spend time with Him is that I need it more. I need to walk more, I need to slow down more, I need to pay attention more. And you know what? It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be worth it. So what if I miss a day at the gym to have coffee with a college student? So what if the laundry doesn’t get done today & my husband has to wear his least-dirty pair of scrubs to work because I needed solitude and more of Jesus? So what if the dishes sit overnight in the sink because a card game or a great conversation was more important? So what?!?!? So the world doesn’t fall apart and those relationships were 100% worth every “sacrificed” task.

So I’m committing today to living a life at a walking pace because it’s important and I’m choosing to place value in all that matters – my relationship with God and my relationships with people. Two of the phrases my grandpa used most often were, “slow down” and “take it easy”. When I thought about someone who lived life at a walking pace and made time for what was important, he was the first person that came to mind. He was also the person in my life who loved me unconditionally and was most like Jesus. Coincidence? I think not.