.asses and worship.

christmas eve service. that's where we were tonight - seven of us, sitting in clumps wherever there were empty chairs, attending a christmas eve service in the tiny chapel. elderly . music . truth . tears . worship . asses. family. these were the components of tonight's service.

sandwiched between my dad and my brother's girlfriend, i found myself laughing, crying, bored and entertained all in a little over an hour's time at the service. without fail, when i sit in a christmas eve candlelight service and sing songs about the Savior, about his peace, about his coming to save mankind - when i do this with my family all sitting in a row next to me, i tear up. i tear up because it's sweet music to my ears to see my brothers singing about Jesus, to see them in church - now whether they're there out of obligation to my parents, there because it's tradition or there because they want to be, they're there nonetheless. and i think i tear up because another year is over, it's the end of 2007 and my life is still the same as it was last year, the same as it was in 2002, 2003, 2004... for the most part. it's a struggle.

i laugh at the pastor, cliff, who hates to deliver christmas eve sermons because he's too practical and real for the same sermon every year - for trying to be unique, creative, do something different with the story, so this year he talked about being an ass. yes, it's true. he mentioned the instances in Jesus' life where there were asses in the picture. in these instances (the triumphal entry in specific) the ass had a very important job - to carry Jesus. in his "doggy bag" was the idea that we are not asked to be Jesus, we are just asked to carry Jesus - to take on the important job of being the best ass we can be.

so i guess that's my goal - to take my job as an ass seriously, to love my brothers and rejoice in the victory that they sat next to me in church tonight, to be able to weep when it's necessary and to look at 2008 as promising, to do my best to be in a different place at next year's christmas eve service so my tears of disappointment and heartache may then be tears of joy, tears of relief. we'll see if we're capable - Jesus and his ass...

.His babies.

i sit today thinking and praying about my cousin and his wife who just miscarried their child - today. i think of their pain, their questions, their fear, their loss. i think of the hope, excitement and joy that existed just days ago, and the opposite emotions that exist today. I think of how she broke the news, "Today we made a deposit in heaven." how now, that little one is with Jesus. i think of the absolute joy that exists in their 4 year old and how she can daily be a catalyst to heal the pain and i'm grateful for her. i think of Jesus, holding that unborn baby, loving that baby and I think of how jealous i am that baby de graaf gets to be held by Jesus right now... i think of blake and sarah's little deposit in heaven and how maybe, just maybe, the two are friends. i think of life and how it throws us for a loop, how it so easily gets us tangled in its traps, in its monotony. and then i remember that He's got the whole world in His hands and that baby was never my cousin's nor was the other one my best friend's - from before they were born, they belonged to Jesus and He is their father and they are HIS babies. thank you abba for loving.

.perfect love casts out fear.

... the Bible tells me so. i have never been one of those people who lives in fear - it's just a miserable place to live. but yesterday, on my birthday, of all days, i spent much of my day in fear. fear of what? who even knows! fear of whatever i could conjure up in my mind to be afraid about. maybe it was more anxiety than fear. there just seem to be natural disasters everywhere and i put myself in their path - i jump from scorching fires to deadly tropical storms in a matter of days.

it was a ridiculous turn of events yesterday and the birthday celebration tended to be postponed because of my fear. but, nonetheless, i got on an airplane at 10:30pm and flew the redeye into a tropical storm - welcome to the caribbean during hurricane season. as soon as i boarded my flight, took a tylenol pm and started milling over my day, i realized that i am the one who led myself to being anxious, i was the one who chose to be afraid instead of trusting the One who knows all.

as i sat on that airplane, i realized that i will be just stinkin' fine and if i won't be fine, then i'll be with Jesus and what could be better than that. His perfect love casts out all fear - now i just wish it would cast out the tropical storm! nonetheless, puerto rico, here we come! my heart and fear are taking a vacation.

.beautiful chaos.

this is my life today - beautiful chaos. as the fires rage on here in our home, the aftermath of what's burned continues to affect our lives. we think we are exempt from it if our homes did not burn and that we barely escaped it, but not so... i sat in classroom of crying girls this afternoon when they found out that because of the poor air quality and smoke, we are unable to finish our volleyball season. i found out that my last volleyball game with my girls was yesterday and i wasn't even aware at the time. i found out that i will never get to coach my seniors again when i thought i had 2 more games with them. utter chaos! there were girls crying, parents calling, me attempting to calm the storm.

i hate that i have no answers for them, i hate that this is one of those things for which i cannot provide a solution, something i can't fix. it sums up to this response - "yes girls, because someone deliberately set a fire in our home town and the air we breathe is now toxic, we no longer get to finish our volleyball season. it's been great, you guys fought hard, game over." what a devastating way to end a season - i'd much rather have gone out losing 25-2 than not be given a chance to fight...

but the beautiful redemption in that is that they make they best out of everything. because we don't have a game, all 15 girls decided that as a team they'd go to an outreach event at a local church which a girl on the team attends (where God is given an open doorway into their hearts even without their knowledge!) and the we'll have a "family sleepover". so the chaos that was today becomes the beauty that is tomorrow. praise God for hope, for unity, for who these girls have been in my life the last 3 months!