2014 Inventory - Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows

Clearly I don't have much blog time at this point in my life - this whole mom thing throws all used-to-be priorities right out the window. There are things I really miss and I would say sitting down to read and write are among the top two. So just for the next few days I'm taking back a few moments because I made a commitment to myself to write this post every year - to remember and reflect. As I think about writing this for 2014 I'm a little freaked out because the highs were really high and the lows were really low - it was a bizarre year.

- joy: Holland Mae entering our lives was the most life-altering, joy-inducing thing, second only to our wedding day in my book. Also, the tears of joy that flowed when my mom finished her treatment CANCER FREE was one of the best moments of my life.


- peace: from the moment my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to the day she was declared "cancer free", though we were sad and it was a nasty road, we experienced such peace. To be able to still laugh and so enjoy being together while she was in the most intense, scary surgery is a peace that can't be explained without Jesus. I'm also still trying to find the balance with peace and parenting. I know that my job is to trust Jesus with my kids, but I've never had someone that I'm responsible for 24/7 and it's hard to have peace with that big of a job. If you're reading this and you have any advice, let me know ;)

- grace: being a mom and messing it up - every single day. Holy smokes I can't tell you how many times in just 7 months that I've already messed up royally. Thankfully kids don't have memories until they're 4 or 5 - ha! The grace that God has shown me, that my daughter shows me and that my incredible husband shows me everyday is astounding. I don't deserve it, especially from Jarred - his life and our marriage have changed tremendously this year and I'm so grateful that he over and over again chooses grace with me.

- mercy: We cried "mercy" over and over again this year with health issues - last year I wrote about our friend Chuck being cancer free - this year we cried mercy and continue to do so as he passed away in October and left behind his sweet wife and 18 month old twins - Mercy, Lord. We cried "mercy" over my mom as she suffered tremendous pain following one of the most intense surgeries any human could have, as she bravely entered chemo every week followed by radiation everyday - he has shown such mercy to us this year. I am crazy grateful to have my mom back.

- discipline: I don't know what this is anymore because my days are so unpredictable… I need more of it? I feel like that's all I can say about discipline this year - waking up early, that's taken so much discipline… or a crying infant, you choose.

- growth: In the past I've measured growth mostly by spiritual growth, but this year I think my personal growth trumped that and bled into my spiritual life. Becoming a mom has grown me and stretched my faith, my patience, my love more than anything. On the other hand, the fear of losing my mom while pregnant with my first child grew me leaps and bounds - it forced me to put my trust in Jesus, to ask for help from others, to know that even if that happened, I would be okay, Holland would be okay and my God is still good. My journey will always be marked by 2014's crazy season that now feels more like a bad dream than reality. Thank God it's over.

- answered prayer: Where do I start with this one?!?!?! Remember that time my mom got diagnosed with the most deadly form of cancer and totally beat it? - hello, answered prayer. And that time my best friend dealt with infertility and had healthy TWINS? - hello, answered prayer. And that time I got a gnarly infection after my c-section and I'm just fine now? - hello, answered prayer. And that time my brother-in-law had some REALLY crazy health issues happening that doctors couldn't' figure out and now he's perfectly healthy? - hello, answered prayer. And that time we prayed for a healthy baby girl? HELLO, ANSWERED PRAYER. I could keep writing but holy smokes God is good.

- beauty: One of the most beautiful things I've witnessed this year was watching my husband become a dad. He's incredible with our little gal and my I melt when I hear them laughing, watch him dance with her in the kitchen or see her light up when he gets home from work. And a shout out to my college gals growing up and become real life women contributing to the real life world - really a beautiful thing. I LOVE those gals and I can't talk about not seeing them almost everyday. I can't.

- rest: what's that? 2015, can we get some more of that, please?

- perseverance: A newborn requires the most intense amount of perseverance - sleepless nights, c-section recovery with sleepless nights, pressing on with all of that while my mom was going through chemo and trusting that all the details would work out for her to be here when Holland was born - of course they did, because Jesus.

- pura vida (true, full life): My daughter's laugh, my whole family together at Christmas with a whole, healed mom & two more nieces/nephews on the way (not mine, don't worry), hiking and beach days with my little family in SLO, the community of women my college gals have become, friendships that have deepened as the result of a tough year - such good life.


- love: Love took on a whole new meaning when we became parents, I couldn't have imagined how I would literally think about a tiny human almost 24 hours a day, but I do. When I look at her, I can't help but be overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for her little life. She's incredible. Also, my love for my mom is changing - when you almost lose your mom and become a mom during the same year, something in you shifts. I love her differently, appreciate her more and want so badly for her to know my daughter intimately.

- the Gospel: There was much solace this year in knowing that God was good and nothing about Him changed even if my mom didn't survive this year with pancreatic cancer. We knew that if she went to be with Jesus, she would win - even more so than if she had to live her life on earth with a terrible form of cancer. I'm crazy grateful that didn't happen, but the assurance that Jesus gives is worth it all.

I can honestly say there's never been a year where I've experienced more joy or more sorrow than 2014. Cancer and your first born child… but I have a richer, deeper soul because of it all and for that, I'm grateful.

2015, let's be REALLY boring and relaxing, ok?

In Oceans Deep

I wrote a few weeks ago about story - how our story matters and that I was committing to share more of my own story - to write, because that's how God uses us, when we are willing to share our lives. Well, that just got real… so real and the ocean is deep.

Three weeks ago I got a phone call that rocked my world and threw us into the deep place where we are now - where all we can see is waves. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Literally the worst words… especially to her daughter who is 6 months pregnant with her first daughter. My heart is shattered. I wept. For five days - the day we found out, the entire travel day to get to Texas, the day we went to church and all of us prayed over her, the day we dropped her off to get on a plane to meet with the surgeon, the day of her surgery - all I did was cry. I wept for her, for my dad, for my grandma, for my brothers and sisters-in-law, for my nieces and nephews, for my husband, for myself, for my daughter. I wept for the dreams I have of my mom being at my daughter's wedding, for how this will wreck her body and make a very strong woman weak, for the dreams she has of years of being "YaYa" and loving her grandkids. When cancer is involved, the ocean gets deep and the waves quickly rise high around you.

We sat together as a family, waiting for the surgeon. Four and a half hours later, he came out to say that the tumor was self-contained and he was able to remove all traces of cancer. If you know anything about pancreatic cancer, you know this is not normal, not even close to normal. Sweet Jesus, we can see the lifeboat. It's coming. My mom has been given the gift of life - the chance to fight, many do not and we recognize how fortunate we are. We see the hand of God in so much of this story, but we still feel a bit like we're drowning.

This road is long - my mom had a major surgery where half of her stomach, two-thirds of her pancreas and her bile duct were removed. She was in the hospital for two weeks. Her recovery just from this surgery is no joke let alone the daunting road through chemo and radiation. When I think about the next 8 months of my mom's life, I weep. She knows she's not alone, but in the same breath, none of us can take this away from her or physically go through it for her. Just 3 weeks ago we were making plans for her to come the end of this month and help with our baby girl's room - and then plans two months later for her to come and stay for a bit when she's born. There's no one else I would rather have here when my daughter comes than my incredible mom. And now, we're deep in the waves not knowing much about two weeks from now, let alone two months from now. For now, she's home, she's recovering, she is handling this with so much grace and determination and she's loving being with family. But the journey is long.

There's a song called "Oceans" by Hillsong. This has been our anthem. My mom has been living in these truths for the last year as she's undergone numerous surgeries to prevent other types of cancer (ironically enough). I printed this and framed it for her - it's next to her bed. On the rough nights, the early mornings, during the times where sleep isn't coming, she can look at it and remember…

It's the wallpaper on my computer because I need the reminder multiple times a day that my faith will stand. God is for us, He is with us and this road is not being walked alone and everyday we choose to believe that He is Healer, He is Sustainer, He is Able, He is. And that He is all we need.

Top 10

This year I decided it would be best to mark tomorrow's holiday with the top 10 things I'm thankful for. It's hard for us to not be with family tomorrow (nor on Christmas Day this year), so I've found myself complaining about that instead of being thankful. I need help. Ha.

Bree's Top 10 for Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for…

- this crazy, amazing, beautiful, real group of college gals I get to do life with on Thursday nights and beyond.

- Maggie - the sweetest golden retriever that we somehow are lucky enough to have in our little family.

- my grandpas - I know that may seem strange, but I think being pregnant makes you think about the relationships you treasured growing up - my grandpas were great men. I miss them.

- my friends & family - if you know me at all, you know I love my people. I am so rich in relationships it's ridiculous and I'm crazy grateful.

- my health - I had a bit of a strange summer with my health and I can tell you I've never been more thankful for it than I have this year.

- new friendships in SLO - it's hard to be "new in town" and we really made some awesome friends this year, I don't take that for granted.

- my new job - I LOVED working for IMPACT. It challenged me and grew me beyond my imagination, but I am equally as thankful for my new job with Students International that allows me to do something I'm passionate about, but gives me the flexibility to be home much of the time with my family.

- God's grace - I've learned this year that He is so gracious with us to let us be where we are, where we need to be, His expectations of us are often different than our expectations of ourselves, so glad about that.

- Jarred - he is a loyal, faithful, hard-working, tender-hearted, loving, care-taking, delightful husband and I'm so thankful for the gift it is to be his wife. Crazy how much we've become a family these last few years.

- the life growing inside of me - wow. This is the #1 thing we are crazy grateful for this year. We see God's handprint all over this little life - the timing, how it's changed us, how loved this kid will be - and we could not be more excited or thankful… for life and for this next season.

Lonely...FMF

As I woke her up at 1:00 am to tell her that my Opa had just breathed is last in the living room, I saw the anguish on her face. The anguish of knowing what her life now was - lonely.

I helped her out of bed, put her robe on her and we walked into the living room where the hospice nurses, my sister-in-law, my aunt and uncle were standing around him, secretly hoping he'd start breathing again. My Oma calmly walked over to his bed side and sat next to him the chair, holding his hand as other family members that were staying down the street walked in the door. Soon after, she crawled onto the bed with him and started weeping softly. We all knew without a doubt that this was the most horrific day of her life. As we all wept, I sat in the corner and wept for her because I knew that the next week, all of us would go home with spouses, siblings, parents, significant others and she would be left in that house alone - with just 58 years of memories.

But in some strange way, I knew I could feel it deeper than anyone else in the room - I had just gotten out of a relationship that did not end well. I was 30 and so ready to be married, because I too (on a much smaller scale) had my fair share of lonely years. Of the 32 family members there, I was the only one with no one to go home to that night, my single cousins had yet to get to town. So after we finished having a family toast with buttermilk (gross, I know, but it was Opa's favorite), singing worship songs, reading scripture, recounting memories and praying for this beautiful widowed woman, I decided to stay with Oma. We laid there and held hands and wept. Neither of us slept much.

For the next 5 nights, I stayed with Oma - we found a way to peace and at least a bit of companionship, even if we still felt alone. Because of those hard weeks: my night in the hospital with Opa where I prayed with him, sang with him and listened to him cry out for Jesus to take him home while I sobbed on my little hospital couch and my hard nights with Oma, my eyes have been opened to what lonely really means. My compassion for the suffering, the broken and the lonely has been a gift.

Love someone who's lonely this week - bless them with the gift of your presence and a listening ear.

.highlights from the motherland.

heineken - welcome to holland!

if 3 days in spain came with highlights, 7 days in holland trumped it, hands down. drumroll please...

American pizza, at the farm of a speed skater with 50 of my crazy Dutch relatives


real windmills and amazing windmill cakes

some successful sloot jumping...


and some not so successful

ridiculously awesome candid photos of me and my sis-in-law


flowers, flowers and more flowers!!!

my smokin' hot boyfriend (i'm related to 3 of them, so there's only one who's smokin' hot) i mean, what's not attractive about a man in borrowed european too-short trunks with cow $h?z running down his legs?!??! but seriously, my guy? he's got a bod and for that and many other things, i'm thankful.

3 words - stroopwaffel ice cream

and the best for last... cutest. nephew. ever.

I <3 Holland. I'm ready to go back. Who's coming?

.coming "home".

where in the world am i, you might ask? currently i am sitting in a house that is nearing 200 years old, looking at yellow tulips that my grandma gave me as a welcome gift, feeling like i need to go for a LONG run soon because of the excess number of pastries and cheese i have consumed in the last week. i. love. europe. and if i don't come home, don't hate me.

you see, for me, europe feels like coming "home" in a sense of the word. this trip was 3 days in spain and then a week in holland. spain felt like home because i spent a semester there in college and holland feels like home because well, it is the homeland. so many of our meals, traditions and even looks and mannerisms are fully Dutch . i love the feeling of belonging somewhere. it's been a great week.

i know you're dying for some highlights:
- the amazingness that was our apartment in barcelona... seriously, the views and the apartment itself were bomb. and REALLY good priced for a 6 bedroom apartment. feliz.


- sardining ourselves into european elevators... it's fantastic. and my dad? he totally loves it, don't let him fool you.

- bitchin' restaurants with 300 degree ocean views and the quaintest little coffee shops that make my soul happy.


- a boyfriend who is incapable of normalcy in pictures... good gracious i love this guy.

- really fantastical beach towns in spain -

holland to follow... stay tuned!

.apologies.

apologies to all who faithfully or not so faithfully read this thing... I have been what they call m.i.a. - i.e. Texas, Haiti, headed to Europe, etc. (i'm secretly hoping that over-abbreviating will accentuate my list of reasons why i've been so busy and unable to post, so if it's not working, work with me).

i promise to do my best to get better.

here's what i've been up to...

TEXAS - for the bridal shower of a sweet friend whose wedding i happen to miss because i'll be in...

SPAIN and HOLLAND - with my family and my beau for 10 days to visit our family (in Holland, not Spain and yes, I know I look more Spanish than Dutch), but in between the two I was in...

HAITI - taking an incredible team of 6 women to work over there for 9 months.

will those excuses suffice? i certainly hope so. i have blog posts swirling in my head about things like the absolute terrifying moments at the inglewood courthouse (but i want to make sure i am crime-free and don't need to go back there first), what God has been teaching me about surrendering expectations and praying His will be done, how Haiti changed me - once again, how the 6 gals who are living in Haiti changed me and are continuing to change me. so for now, click the link about the girls... this is life-changing stuff that will inevitably keep you on your toes until i return...

hasta luego... bonjour... daj... i'll be home soon, pinky promise.

.beauty.

my cousin, haley is pure beauty. she doesn't even know it and i think it makes her even more beautiful. truly. but at the same time i wish she could know it, internalize it, live it. because we are more confident and we live differently when we can see ourselves as beautiful.





Lord, that haley may know her beauty today.