.music mondays.

i’ve decided to try something new for this next season of my life. a little ditty i’d like to call “music mondays.” it resembles something we used to do from time to time when i was working with youth. we’d take some song lyrics and dive into them and chat about why those lyrics spoke to where we were at in our lives. so i thought i’d revisit that the next month or two with “music mondays” and see if we like it. and plus, it gives me a reason to blog on mondays instead of just when i feel like it, which turns out to be not all that often. :)

This hot jam is called, "Ordinary Day" by a guy named Griffin House. It's brilliant.

All of my life

I’ve been a fool

Breaking myself 

To follow your rules

And I beat myself up

When I can’t find the strength

When I can’t seem to change

The harder I think


Let me get this straight

Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day

‘Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing

But you let me slip away


When I run away

You just let me run

And I take it too far

By the time I am done

And I understand
I’m thick in the skull

But I’m learning to love
The sound of your call


Let me get this straight

Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day

‘Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing

But you let me slip away


I fear rejection and I up my defenses

I look for healing in the human touch

When will I learn to face the consequences?

Of trying to love you and failing so much

I’m trying to love you but I’m failing so much


Let me get this straight

Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day
‘
Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing

But you let me slip away
Let me slip away


Over and over and over again

I’m biting the hand that’s pulling me in

Over and over and over again

Believe in the hand that’s pulling me in

to me this song speaks volumes of my relationship with God. there's this push and pull - this internal struggle, this way that I try to do things my way but yet i know it's never gonna work. ever. i resonate with the part where he says, "when i run away, you just let me run. and i take it too far by the time i am done. i understand i'm thick in the skull, but i'm learning to love the sound of your call." that is just so much of how my life operates and i want so badly to break those habits of running from God when i don't know what to do. i want so badly to not be that "thick in the skull" person and i am learning to need Him and i am learning to love the sound of His call but not as much as i'd like to be.

this is my typical reaction - "i look for healing in the human touch" and as a result "i'm biting the hand that's pulling me in." the truth that's tangled up in these lyrics is a bit close to home at this point. i do try to go to my tangible "human" friends before i let God handle what needs to be handled. i don't often go to him first because for some reason He seems so distant and unable to help in the immediacy. i want to change this, so badly. i want to as griffin says, "BELIEVE in the hand that's pulling me in" instead of constantly being stubborn and putting up a fight.

and even now, i find myself more frustrated with how i do this than ever before. it's like writing about it gave me a renewed sense of being mad at myself. perfect. not quite what i was going for today. is it only me? am i the only crazy one whose tendency is to run and because God is good he just lets us and doesn't force us to do what we've known all along is best? food for thought...