On Obedience

I took a job with an incredible organization called Students International about a year and a half ago knowing full well that part of my job was to lead mission trips - something I've been hugely passionate about for years and have done with enthusiasm. But then we had a baby. We went to Costa Rica when I was 12 weeks pregnant, but then I got a free pass for the last 16 months because, you know, pregnancy, childbirth, recovery, nursing - all the things. In November, Jarred and I made plans to take a group of college students to Nicaragua with our good friend Joel and we've been so excited about it since then. But as soon as the reality hit that I would be weaning our baby girl and leaving her for a week, I almost bailed about 1000 times, including during our layover in the Houston airport.

I called a friend and colleague and said, "How do you leave your babies? I don't think I can do it. I'm going to back out. Talk me down." And she did. Bless her. Her advice was simple - "The first time is the hardest. I promise it will go by quickly once you get there and get busy. Give yourself permission to come home or to not go if your childcare situation isn't working out or your kid is hysterical." All of these words were helpful, but in my logical mind it just felt so wrong to leave my 10 month old and go to Central America for a week.

Here's what it came down to for me - obedience. All the mommy guilt, positive self-talk, awesome grandparents babysitting, knowledge that there's a 99% chance that it's all going to go down just fine - all of that was great, but the kicker for me was this thing that we often like to ignore called obedience. The bottom line is that God has called me to work for SI to bring people into his story across the globe. I have no doubt about that. Because of that, I am called to be obedient when he asks me to "go" - plain and simple. What I want my daughter to see is that her parents are obedient. I want that more than anything and if I were to back out because I was scared or because of her, it sends the wrong message - to her, my college gals I walk with, my friends, the students on the trip, our church community. Don't get me wrong, not a single person would have faulted me for staying home with my 10 month old baby, but I knew that I knew that I knew that we were called and I was to be obedient to that call.

Jarred and I always want our kids to see our hearts for the nations, for the poor and we want them to know that God is bigger than their little world. As soon as they're big enough to wear bug spray, you bet they'll be coming with us, but for now, our job is to continue to be obedient. That's what we want them to know about their parents and see modeled. And we need to start practicing that now - not when they're 3 or 6 or 10, but now, when they're tiny.

The crazy part is that I unexpectedly got to share this with the women in Nicaragua who thought I was literally nuts for weaning and leaving my baby. The even crazier part is that despite the cultural differences and the fact that it's not something they would ever do, they understood. When I explained to them that it wasn't that I wanted to leave my baby and that my heart was torn in shreds when I put her to bed the night before I left, but that I came because I care about them and because I want my daughter to see me being obedient - somehow, they understood (and I even got baby snuggles while I was there, thanks Jesus).

One of my Nicaraguan colleagues spoke such truth to me the night before we left. She told me how much she respects me as a mom and how much she admires my desire for my kids to know God's heart for the world. She told me I'm a good mom and that God used me in her life last week, just when she needed me. And I knew that I was in the right place for all the right reasons. Obediently saying "yes" was the hardest part… that and getting on the plane.

On Being a Working Mom

Confession (always a great way to begin): I haven't written since I became a mom. The days are long and the nights are short and my brain is foggy, so I haven't been able to pull it together enough to write. Incase you haven't seen her, God's given us the cutest, sweetest baby on the planet - I kid you not. But here I am… at the end of my maternity leave, needing some think space.

You see, the idea of going back to work has been exciting for me from weeks 8-13 of maternity leave. The first 8 weeks, I was hardly physically functional and had no desire to return to work, but these last 5 weeks, it's seemed more doable. I've seen a few friends brave the work world again and I've been anticipating that day for myself. Well this past week was week 14, my last week of leave and I now feel differently about going back to work.

I'm guessing this is normal, but to me it feels so unnatural to be leaving my kid with someone else. I didn't think I would have this problem because I'm not a "homebody" kind of a person. Not at all. I LOVE people, love being out of the house and I'm a big fan of contributing to society and the Kingdom of God. Big fan. Because of this, I thought I'd be excited to go back to my part time job that I really enjoy. But I have this sadness in my heart and a fear in my mind as I prepare to leave my girl next week.

It's not that her daddy and our amazing friend Julia aren't going to love her and care for her well. That's not it at all. I completely trust them and I know she'll have delightful days ahead, but I just have this gut wrenching feeling of "They won't love her in the ways I love her." And they won't. They will love her in their own ways and it will be just great for her… and for them. But as her primary care taker for the 14 weeks of her life, I feel like somehow I'm neglecting her and she's going to struggle when I'm gone. And it just feels wrong for her mama to walk away from her twice a week to go and work.

But I've also hit a wall and am beginning to dislike being in my own house (even though we get out pretty often). So I know it's time. I know the hours I spend away from sweet Holland will make me a better mama when I get home and I've had time to miss her. I know that having purpose in my job and making a difference in the world will make me feel more human and less crazy. And I know the time that my husband and our friend Julia spend with our girl will be awesome for them and for her. But this mama may cry on Monday morning when I walk out the door… and that's okay.

I think this is just the beginning of the motherhood tension of letting go but wanting to hang on at the same time.