2014 Inventory - Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows

Clearly I don't have much blog time at this point in my life - this whole mom thing throws all used-to-be priorities right out the window. There are things I really miss and I would say sitting down to read and write are among the top two. So just for the next few days I'm taking back a few moments because I made a commitment to myself to write this post every year - to remember and reflect. As I think about writing this for 2014 I'm a little freaked out because the highs were really high and the lows were really low - it was a bizarre year.

- joy: Holland Mae entering our lives was the most life-altering, joy-inducing thing, second only to our wedding day in my book. Also, the tears of joy that flowed when my mom finished her treatment CANCER FREE was one of the best moments of my life.


- peace: from the moment my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to the day she was declared "cancer free", though we were sad and it was a nasty road, we experienced such peace. To be able to still laugh and so enjoy being together while she was in the most intense, scary surgery is a peace that can't be explained without Jesus. I'm also still trying to find the balance with peace and parenting. I know that my job is to trust Jesus with my kids, but I've never had someone that I'm responsible for 24/7 and it's hard to have peace with that big of a job. If you're reading this and you have any advice, let me know ;)

- grace: being a mom and messing it up - every single day. Holy smokes I can't tell you how many times in just 7 months that I've already messed up royally. Thankfully kids don't have memories until they're 4 or 5 - ha! The grace that God has shown me, that my daughter shows me and that my incredible husband shows me everyday is astounding. I don't deserve it, especially from Jarred - his life and our marriage have changed tremendously this year and I'm so grateful that he over and over again chooses grace with me.

- mercy: We cried "mercy" over and over again this year with health issues - last year I wrote about our friend Chuck being cancer free - this year we cried mercy and continue to do so as he passed away in October and left behind his sweet wife and 18 month old twins - Mercy, Lord. We cried "mercy" over my mom as she suffered tremendous pain following one of the most intense surgeries any human could have, as she bravely entered chemo every week followed by radiation everyday - he has shown such mercy to us this year. I am crazy grateful to have my mom back.

- discipline: I don't know what this is anymore because my days are so unpredictable… I need more of it? I feel like that's all I can say about discipline this year - waking up early, that's taken so much discipline… or a crying infant, you choose.

- growth: In the past I've measured growth mostly by spiritual growth, but this year I think my personal growth trumped that and bled into my spiritual life. Becoming a mom has grown me and stretched my faith, my patience, my love more than anything. On the other hand, the fear of losing my mom while pregnant with my first child grew me leaps and bounds - it forced me to put my trust in Jesus, to ask for help from others, to know that even if that happened, I would be okay, Holland would be okay and my God is still good. My journey will always be marked by 2014's crazy season that now feels more like a bad dream than reality. Thank God it's over.

- answered prayer: Where do I start with this one?!?!?! Remember that time my mom got diagnosed with the most deadly form of cancer and totally beat it? - hello, answered prayer. And that time my best friend dealt with infertility and had healthy TWINS? - hello, answered prayer. And that time I got a gnarly infection after my c-section and I'm just fine now? - hello, answered prayer. And that time my brother-in-law had some REALLY crazy health issues happening that doctors couldn't' figure out and now he's perfectly healthy? - hello, answered prayer. And that time we prayed for a healthy baby girl? HELLO, ANSWERED PRAYER. I could keep writing but holy smokes God is good.

- beauty: One of the most beautiful things I've witnessed this year was watching my husband become a dad. He's incredible with our little gal and my I melt when I hear them laughing, watch him dance with her in the kitchen or see her light up when he gets home from work. And a shout out to my college gals growing up and become real life women contributing to the real life world - really a beautiful thing. I LOVE those gals and I can't talk about not seeing them almost everyday. I can't.

- rest: what's that? 2015, can we get some more of that, please?

- perseverance: A newborn requires the most intense amount of perseverance - sleepless nights, c-section recovery with sleepless nights, pressing on with all of that while my mom was going through chemo and trusting that all the details would work out for her to be here when Holland was born - of course they did, because Jesus.

- pura vida (true, full life): My daughter's laugh, my whole family together at Christmas with a whole, healed mom & two more nieces/nephews on the way (not mine, don't worry), hiking and beach days with my little family in SLO, the community of women my college gals have become, friendships that have deepened as the result of a tough year - such good life.


- love: Love took on a whole new meaning when we became parents, I couldn't have imagined how I would literally think about a tiny human almost 24 hours a day, but I do. When I look at her, I can't help but be overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for her little life. She's incredible. Also, my love for my mom is changing - when you almost lose your mom and become a mom during the same year, something in you shifts. I love her differently, appreciate her more and want so badly for her to know my daughter intimately.

- the Gospel: There was much solace this year in knowing that God was good and nothing about Him changed even if my mom didn't survive this year with pancreatic cancer. We knew that if she went to be with Jesus, she would win - even more so than if she had to live her life on earth with a terrible form of cancer. I'm crazy grateful that didn't happen, but the assurance that Jesus gives is worth it all.

I can honestly say there's never been a year where I've experienced more joy or more sorrow than 2014. Cancer and your first born child… but I have a richer, deeper soul because of it all and for that, I'm grateful.

2015, let's be REALLY boring and relaxing, ok?

2013 Inventory

I started doing this post last year and resolved to make it an annual tradition. I think it's important (more for me than for you), but I do think it matters to recall, count blessings, take inventory and look forward. A few days late, but better late than never…

- joy: finding out WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!!

- peace: knowing that during a really yucky season of crazy migraines and a bit of a health scare, God never, ever left us. He was our peace during a hard season with work and health. We weathered the storm knowing we were in good hands - with our doctors, our community and our God.

- grace: marriage is still the greatest picture of grace I've experienced. How and why he keeps loving and forgiving is beyond me. Grace upon grace upon grace.

- mercy: a new job that I said yes to this fall. So much mercy. The timing was perfect, the need for change was evident, the schedule is so fitting for having a baby on the way and I get to do what I'm passionate about - a combination of student ministry and missions - nothing better. Thankful for God's mercy in a job with Students International and all that this season of ministry will bring for our little family.

- discipline: this is kind of funny, but I actually think my best discipline was in the kitchen. :) I love to bake, but I don't love to cook and this year I've learned the discipline of cooking and the importance of providing nourishment for people I love. I'm hoping that 2014 makes this more of a joy and less of a discipline… wishful thinking.

- growth: holy leaps and bounds… leaving my job with IMPACT and the crazy process that involved for me - mentally, spiritually and physically challenged me and grew me. So much. I also saw HUGE amounts of growth in the college gals that I do life with. We learned to follow Jesus with more integrity, to become a family, to be real and genuine and to love each other unconditionally. It was phenomenal and I can't even deal with the fact that 1/2 of these gems will graduate in June. Can't talk about it. Tears.

also… this is what happened when we told the gals we were preggo :)

- answered prayer: our friends Chuck and Holly have been battling what was said to be terminal cancer in his body for the last year. We fervently prayed for them and for healing every single night. We got news right before Christmas that CHUCK IS CANCER FREE!!! This is such a sweet gift for them and their twin babies. We love it.

- friendship: I alluded to this in my last post, but good gracious, Jesus brought us friends this year -he literally just plopped this incredible group of friends into our lives and our town and we are so grateful. I needed a solid group of girlfriends so so badly and I sit here amazed at the answer to prayer in Cheryl, April, Nicole, Kristi and Blair to name a few. So thankful.

- beauty: I think that new life is such a beautiful thing. Because I'm pregnant, I may be appreciating it more these days, but we got 2 new nieces - Ellie and Liza and a new nephew - Jack this year. They are little miracles and such delightful tiny humans. Three of my closest friends had babies this year too and sweet Jesus that is beautiful. Bringing life into this world is beautiful.

- rest: rest for us this year came in the form of little getaways. We LOVE living on the central coast where it's easy to take mini-vacations and have a life time-out. A few of our favorites this year were Napa in January, Sonoma in February, Vegas in March, Palm Desert in May, Carpinteria in June, San Diego in July, Carmel in October, and Solvang in December. Just a few :) These much-needed breaks provided rest - for our bodies, our souls, our brains and our marriage. We are so grateful.

- perseverance: I saw more resolve in myself during the hard months of July and August than I've ever seen in my 33 years of life. All I will say is that it was hard, I wanted to quit, I wanted answers, I wanted to wake up and have it all be over with. God saw me through it. Life is so different now. So much redemption came from persevering through the suffering.

- pura vida (true, full life): I think Jarred and I find this most on mission. Whether local mission with Young Life, our church plant crew, the homeless shelter or overseas. This year for us, we found "pure vida" in our church community here - people knowing us well and loving us anyways. We also found it in our trips to Haiti and Costa Rica - beautiful pure life. We have much to learn.

- love: my sweet husband has gone above and beyond this year. From my health issues in August to getting pregnant in September, his job has not been easy for the last 5 months. This man is a rockstar. I can't tell you how many pesto chicken sandwiches he's delivered to the couch. I see Jesus in how he loves me unconditionally and without cost.

- the Gospel: our new "church" community has been the living, breathing gospel. The time we spend with them is real and honest and full of both grace and truth. These people have become our family here in town and we know that life with them around makes sense. God is present and revealing himself through this beautiful community.

2014 is about to bring SO much change - more than we could ever dream up. While we have NO idea what we're getting ourselves into with this little one, we have so much excitement and anticipation of how this year will go and are thankful for each day that this baby continues to grow healthy and strong. Bring it on… we expect great things.

2012 Inventory

This year was a big one. And it just seemed right to create some sort of memory inventory of the ways God showed up, how I grew, what went down. This will likely become an annual tradition, so prepare yourself. Here's a glimpse of how these things were displayed in my life in 2012:

- joy: our wedding day :)

- peace: the feeling we got when we decided to move to SLO - grace: Jarred's love for me, I never knew human grace so deep before I had a spouse

- mercy: the rescue over and over and over of a sweet friend and colleague, Marina, who was ALL God's mercy poured out on me over the course of moving, engagement, wedding chaos. so. much. mercy.

- discipline: the physical discipline for training for the wedding, really great, but really tough to stay that committed - strength: through the transition of moving and everything changing

- growth: holy smokes, the whole year? marriage, moving, a program we tried in Haiti - answered prayer: my husband and faith that changed the lives of my little brother & his wife

- friendship: my best friend of 21 years whose weekly honest phone calls and emails keep me going and who absolutely blew me away by her generosity and love as my matron of honor

- beauty: living this SLO life, pinch me, for reals

- rest: 4-day weekends away with my love are making for a delightful first year of marriage

- perseverance: it's hard to be new in town... making friends is hard, finding a church is hard, starting over is hard - still working on this - pura vida (true, full life): our Young Life community (namely my Thursday night college gals) and speaking at a high school camp breathed full life into me this year

- love: Jarred's ridiculous love for me and the way our parents have showered blessings and pure love on us this year

- the Gospel: my husband has been a gospel of truth & grace for me as well as the insane amount of unconditional love & support we received from SO many in this year of celebration and newness - it's been a tangible showing of Jesus in our lives

Honestly, I re-read this list as my eyes well up with tears. I am deeply moved because God is SO good. Truly. Why me? No one deserves this much grace, this much life, this much joy in one year. But that's the gospel - over and over and over again, He gives what we don't deserve and in return I can just humbly say, "Thank you, please use my life to draw people to Jesus." Cheers to a life of overwhelming grace and a year of overwhelming joy!