Small... FMF

Picture this: a 32 year old professional woman with a graduate level education not being able to speak not even a word, losing feeling in her extremities and being so dizzy she falls over.

This is something that's happening to me during migraine episodes as of late. You know how it makes me feel? Small. Incapable. Scared. Frustrated. Anxious.

But here's the thing I'm learning. I think that's exactly where God wants me. By nature I am a Type A, take on loads of projects, fill my schedule, got it all under control kind of gal. I get it from both of my parents. It's all I've ever seen or known. These last few weeks, I think my stress level and my life's circumstances are demanding that I learn to slow down. But to me, that feels weak - like I need help (and I do), like I need to let go of my work responsibilities (and I do), like I am back in a place of dependency and in turn like I'm not contributing to society.

In all of this I feel like God is calling me back to him. He is jealous for his time with me. He knows what will fill me back up. This has sunk me on my butt on the couch, dependent on the community around me in this new little town we live in. And I think he's smiling - he's healing me while I rest.

He's making me whole again starting with the inside of me. His word has become the air I breathe in and out; I'm living on these words, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14. I've needed his presence to calm my soul and remember to be thankful for each moment I don't have a migraine with whacky symptoms and to ask for more.

I feel so small, so useless, so over it, but then I look at who God likes to use - he used the tiniest soldier to defeat a giant, he used nimrod disciples to spread his name, he used harlots and liars and cheaters and murderers to bring people to him. And then I'm thankful that even in this yucky season where I feel useless, I am not a misfit, I belong to him and Jesus is using my life, possibly even more so because I'm small and broken.

Lonely...FMF

As I woke her up at 1:00 am to tell her that my Opa had just breathed is last in the living room, I saw the anguish on her face. The anguish of knowing what her life now was - lonely.

I helped her out of bed, put her robe on her and we walked into the living room where the hospice nurses, my sister-in-law, my aunt and uncle were standing around him, secretly hoping he'd start breathing again. My Oma calmly walked over to his bed side and sat next to him the chair, holding his hand as other family members that were staying down the street walked in the door. Soon after, she crawled onto the bed with him and started weeping softly. We all knew without a doubt that this was the most horrific day of her life. As we all wept, I sat in the corner and wept for her because I knew that the next week, all of us would go home with spouses, siblings, parents, significant others and she would be left in that house alone - with just 58 years of memories.

But in some strange way, I knew I could feel it deeper than anyone else in the room - I had just gotten out of a relationship that did not end well. I was 30 and so ready to be married, because I too (on a much smaller scale) had my fair share of lonely years. Of the 32 family members there, I was the only one with no one to go home to that night, my single cousins had yet to get to town. So after we finished having a family toast with buttermilk (gross, I know, but it was Opa's favorite), singing worship songs, reading scripture, recounting memories and praying for this beautiful widowed woman, I decided to stay with Oma. We laid there and held hands and wept. Neither of us slept much.

For the next 5 nights, I stayed with Oma - we found a way to peace and at least a bit of companionship, even if we still felt alone. Because of those hard weeks: my night in the hospital with Opa where I prayed with him, sang with him and listened to him cry out for Jesus to take him home while I sobbed on my little hospital couch and my hard nights with Oma, my eyes have been opened to what lonely really means. My compassion for the suffering, the broken and the lonely has been a gift.

Love someone who's lonely this week - bless them with the gift of your presence and a listening ear.

Broken... FMF

We watch the commercials on the tv - you know, the ones with the kids who are malnourished and literally starving to death. Those commercials are designed to break our hearts for those in need - to get off our entitled, over-fed American booties and at the very least right a check. But to me what that communicates is, "See these kids? They're broken. They need help. Since you've got it together, why don't you fix their problem with just a little bit of money?"

But you know what? I've met those kids. I've seen their faces and heard their laughter. I've also seen their tears and watched them be in the middle of a field all alone, with literally no one who cares if they live or die. It's there, in our world and it's very very broken.

But you know what else? So am I. I am broken. My poverty may not look like theirs - I may not need clothes, food or a job, but I am also in need. My brokenness is just all covered up in a pretty layer of American pride, self-reliance and entitlement. As much as I try to not be these things and think this way, it's true... and it's ugly.

Today I'm reminded that being broken is beautiful. It's beautiful because it's something that unites all humans - our imperfection makes us one. Our need for each other makes us one. Our ability be with someone else in their brokenness and let someone enter into ours is what makes ashes turn to beauty. Embracing brokenness today...

Advent

Come Lord Jesus, Come.

In this season of "Here comes Santa Claus," Santa Baby" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," I've decided I want our lives to be about so much more. I've always felt that way about Christmas but somehow it means more now that I'm married. Somehow it's been this turn of events that makes me want to revolt against the American Dream all together and make "our life" one that's defined by things other than what the world tells us is important. We tried to do alot of our shopping in a way that gives back - through organizations that friends of ours run - like Krochet Kids and 31 Bits. We don't want it to be about us.

We are mid-way through Advent. If you're unfamiliar with Advent, it's simply a tradition that's been in Christian churches for hundreds of years and it literally means "coming" or "arrival." It is during this four-week period that Christians everywhere dedicate themselves to remembering what Christmas is about and celebrating that with anticipation and intent. You may have seen an Advent calendar at some time in your life. I made one with my college girls this year and we are LOVING it. Basically, you turn the card over each day and read something that reminds you of Jesus coming to earth and how it changed everything.

During this season, we look at four different pillars of what Jesus coming to earth means for us: peace, hope, love and joy. We look back and remember how his life changed everything while at the same time we look forward to the fact that his kingdom will come and sin/death/evil will win no more.

I've been meaning to write this post for a few weeks now and had a little bit of time today. Ironically, this morning there was a tragic event that happened in Connecticut where the innocent lives of children and faculty were taken at a school - the most intense evil imaginable. So today I say, "come Lord Jesus, come." Come in this Advent season and invade our world in a different way. Turn the evil upside down and bring peace, bring hope, bring love, bring joy. Make us your instruments of those things in our own communities and lives that are so broken.

"Christmas is Your light breaking into the darkness. We confess that we are sometimes blinded, not by Your glory, but by consumerism, greed and the oppression of packed schedules. Help us this year to see and respond to Christmas differently. Strengthen us to resist the lure of getting more in a world where so many have so little. Equip us to use this time to remember Your birth and think about how we do Your will here on earth, as it is done in heaven. Break into human history, You showed us a different way - the way of reconciliation, redemption and resurrection. As we celebrate how You came, help us remember why You came - and live differently because of it. Amen."

(taken from the World Vision Advent Study Guide)