Seven: Food Day 3 (Spoiler Alert: We Fell Off the Bandwagon)

I'm sitting at the table eating some whole wheat pasta with pesto and chicken for lunch. People, we couldn't do it. For a variety of reasons and the season we're in, we just couldn't do a small amount of foods. Our excuses are many and I'll spare them, but the hardest thing is Jarred's 13 hour work days and me starting a new job in 3 days and being gone for that next week. The transition and long days are hard when your options are limited - as is travel.

We didn't fail, we modified. I like to think of it as a Day 2 restart, that works right? :) Instead of only eating seven things, we decided to give up seven things. I know it's no NEAR the sacrifice that Jen made, but we've decided we're not quite up to par with the Hatmaker crew yet. Baby steps. But the things we decided to quit are still a sacrifice.

So here's our confession: we are at this point in time incapable of eating only seven foods for 3 weeks. But here's what you can keep us accountable to giving up...

1) coffee
2) sweets/sugar
3) alcohol
4) white flour (or anything containing it)
5) chips
6) full-fat dairy (we can only eat low fat or fat-free)
7) hummus (SADDDDDD)

We recognize that some of you may not eat these things regularly and BRAVO for you. None of these are bad things to sacrifice, but these are things that we regularly sometimes consume and they're hard things for us to give up.

A few examples of the torture the last few days: at lunch with some friends at a Mexican restaurant - they bring out chips and salsa - BUMMER, a friend has a bowl of Halloween candy and I naturally pull out a mini Hershey's bar and then put it back - BUMMER, we are celebrating some friends' birthdays tonight and I've been nominated to go pick up apple and boysenberry pie (apple pie is my love language) - HUGE BUMMER! See, not as easy as it sounds. I also have a husband suffering from caffeine withdrawal headaches. Now that's a bummer - for both of us.

What are we learning? Nothing yet, just that deprivation makes us both more crabby. We'll keep you posted as the weeks go on. Do we feel like we failed? No, we just feel like this time around, that wasn't the best solution and we're good with that and a teensy bit happier. Thanks for joining us on the journey. If you see us right now, you may encounter some crazies - sorry bout it.

Small... FMF

Picture this: a 32 year old professional woman with a graduate level education not being able to speak not even a word, losing feeling in her extremities and being so dizzy she falls over.

This is something that's happening to me during migraine episodes as of late. You know how it makes me feel? Small. Incapable. Scared. Frustrated. Anxious.

But here's the thing I'm learning. I think that's exactly where God wants me. By nature I am a Type A, take on loads of projects, fill my schedule, got it all under control kind of gal. I get it from both of my parents. It's all I've ever seen or known. These last few weeks, I think my stress level and my life's circumstances are demanding that I learn to slow down. But to me, that feels weak - like I need help (and I do), like I need to let go of my work responsibilities (and I do), like I am back in a place of dependency and in turn like I'm not contributing to society.

In all of this I feel like God is calling me back to him. He is jealous for his time with me. He knows what will fill me back up. This has sunk me on my butt on the couch, dependent on the community around me in this new little town we live in. And I think he's smiling - he's healing me while I rest.

He's making me whole again starting with the inside of me. His word has become the air I breathe in and out; I'm living on these words, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14. I've needed his presence to calm my soul and remember to be thankful for each moment I don't have a migraine with whacky symptoms and to ask for more.

I feel so small, so useless, so over it, but then I look at who God likes to use - he used the tiniest soldier to defeat a giant, he used nimrod disciples to spread his name, he used harlots and liars and cheaters and murderers to bring people to him. And then I'm thankful that even in this yucky season where I feel useless, I am not a misfit, I belong to him and Jesus is using my life, possibly even more so because I'm small and broken.

.opa's journey begins.

We are sitting here eating spaghetti and baked goods (comfort food for sure). Today was a day where we felt God's presence completely. He had a night with a bit of restlessness & was sick of the tubes and sick of the nurses coming in. He just kept saying, "I wanna go home."

That hospital room was sacred ground today. At times in the day, Papa gets restless and anxious and we've figured out the only and best way to calm him down is to pray, sing hymns or read scripture to him. We can't imagine doing this without the HOPE we have in Christ. Truly. We cling to His promises in these moments. It was such blessed, sacred moments with his kids, grandkids, great grandkids and sister-in-law around him today, praying for him, singing with him, reading scripture over him. God is gracious and we know his faithful servant is highly favored as we sense peace the minute we cry out to Jesus. Amen for that.

At one point in the day, nothing else was working so one of the grandkids said, "Papa, do you want to sing with the little kids?" And he nodded. We brought Anna Mae, Johnny and Cameron in the room to sing with him and his eyes lit up and he sang every word to "Jesus Loves Me" and "You are My Sunshine." The kids and Opa were happily singing and the adults stood watching, teary eyed at the faithfulness of our Lord through generations. Unbelievable. And then he said, "Can those sweet kids come home with me when I come home?" To which we responded, "Of course."

Our best news is that Papa's word for himself "discharge" is coming true!!! We had a family meeting with our beloved doctor and friend, Holly Stewart this evening and we all came to the conclusion that the best thing for Papa is to come home. That's all he's been asking for for days and he just wants coffee and Anna Mae. So we say "let it be so."

Holly encouraged us today to let his wish be our command and to just spend this time loving the heck outta that sweet man and walking him home to Jesus. So we do so. With tears in our eyes and thanks in our hearts, we will bring him home to begin his final journey to Jesus tomorrow.

Ways you can pray?
- Pray for Oma/Anna Mae - this process is different for all of us and she is such an amazing source of strength, but this journey is hardest on her.
- GIVE THANKS for amazing neighbors who turn down beds, bring food, get groceries, do dishes & provide support. We are grateful.
- Pray for the kids/grandkids as they each process in their own way. It's been amazing to hear stories of his inspiration & faithfulness. It's a sweet time.
- Pray for a smooth transition tomorrow as he comes home - that he would be in minimal pain and loads of peace in being home.

We have spaghetti and we have each other. We just sat across the table and Oma said, "This is not how we would have planned it, but isn't this time a gift?" Amen and amen. We are blessed with the gift of each other and like Donna said the other day, "It's just so good to be together - to laugh, to cry, to remember, to pray." I know one thing for sure - God could not have given this man a more supportive family and there's nowhere else I'd rather be. We are beyond blessed and he will be discharged. :)

To follow updates from our family, go to: www.degraaflegacy.blogspot.com

.space.

right now i can't pray, go to church, listen to music, read the Bible or think about anything serious.

"the tears need some space and my heart needs a rest." - there's this girl i've never met but whose blog i read and these words she wrote from scotland yesterday are EXACTLY where i am. exactly.

don't judge me for where i am. it's my journey and right now i'm in a "not so pretty" patch of it. so i am taking space, as much as i need and i'm giving my heart and my brain a rest and i'm giving the tears the space they need to fall - as often and as long as they need to.

i feel grateful that we each get our own journey and that because God loves us he allows us to wrestle and struggle with him and he allows us to be where we are.


these song lyrics by justin mcroberts are the only thing sticking in my mind these days:

"What Love is This"

How long? How long to wait when my heart’s ready to break?
How long? How long to stand when I don’t know who I am?

Would you be my lover if I had no love
And no beauty to speak of?
Would you still be faithful if I had no faith
And I questioned everything?
Amen

What then if I turned away and in darkness hid my face?
Would you leave me then?
Or would you draw me to yourself again?

Would you be my lover if I had no love
And no beauty to speak of?
Would you still be faithful if I had no faith
And I questioned everything?
Amen


What love is this? What love is this,
That will never change? That could never change?
What love is this? What love is this,
That remains the same? It remains the same.

and this... from a sweet friend just blessed my heart more than words can describe...

May the LORD totally bless you this weekend with His presence and love. May Jesus fill those places that are really tough. We pray, in the name of Jesus and in the power of the cross and resurrection, that the enemy will have no power to use what is really hard to pull you away from God. Lord, we bless and care for Bree as she walks this road that You have given her.

.glimpses.

this week i'm getting glimpses.



i remember blogging a few months ago, early in the year about how much i am desperate to have this fog lift. how much i feel like i'm scared that this season will last forever and my soul will be in a dormant desert for a long, long time.

this weekend, the fog lifted. THANK YOU, JESUS. man, was i ready for that! but seriously i'm not sure how to live without the fog yet. i'm learning. i'm getting glimpses. here are some:

- i'm starting to see that what He has next for me is not for me to worry about or control. HE'S GOT ME.
- i'm starting to see that it's about my soul, when my soul is being cared for and sharpened, He is glorified in me.
- I'm starting to get glimpses of His love for people and the way He sees them, which in turn is teaching me to love.
- i'm starting to understand "the fog" and learn how to walk with others in it.
- i'm starting to be excited that the life He has for me finds meaning in surrender, and that, speaks volumes to others.
- I'm starting to recognize that "the fog" in the desert is so necessary for growth
- i'm starting to see my joy restored and am learning to play again.

this will be a process and i'm realizing it won't happen overnight, but i could not be more grateful for the smile that creeps across my face at the most unexpected times in the day and for the ways that people are noticing that "i'm back." indeed i am and i'm a different person with so much more to bring to the table. Jesus, you are good. so good.

thank you for the glimpses.

.trust.

i can't sleep.

i have to get up in 6 and a half hours and it's just not happening. if you know me at all, you know i'm an 8-9 hours per night kinda girl and i thoroughly enjoy sleeping, so this, my dear friends, is odd. i've had a couple of days that just "spun me out" and i'm not sure how to make sense of it all and the reality of it keeps me up at night.

my uncle and i had a "date night" tonight and we were having a glass of really phenomenal wine, talking life and after explaining my "spin out days," he said to me, "God's just having a little fun with you." now, i'm not sure how i feel about that.

on one hand i felt relieved - "this is not the end of the world. things will get better. God's got something up his sleeve and he's just throwing me a curve ball - it's all good."

on the other hand i felt distraught - "that's so not true. God is not having fun with me because this is not funny. there's no way in heck that this situation is 'funny' to God and he's in the pain with me and not amused by my frustration and disappointment."

after a few hours process time, i'm going with the latter. i am convinced that i love, know and believe in a God who suffers in my suffering and rejoices in my rejoicing. a God who is never late, but always right on time. a God who finishes what He starts. a God who doesn't take his kids far down a path just to leave them stranded. that's just not my God.

so i will trust. i will feel the sting of loss and i will move forward. i will trust that while He may very well be throwing me a curve ball, it's for my own good and i will find Him faithful in the end. has He not always proven Himself to me? is not all i need to be found in Him?

in the words of drew bray,

"all my confidence in myself is failing me
though i understand, my life's in your hands
why can't i seem to let it go?

this is my prayer, this is my cry
to know how to live and to learn how to die.

help me believe, all that i need is in You."

.long seasons.

seasons last about 3 months. i like that. my grad school operates on the quarter system, i like that too. i think there's something to 3 month increments that's just good. really good. but this season is longer than 3 months. it's in its 7th month and seems to be lingering and not the good kind of lingering that i've spoken of before. this season is lingering like the snow that's still in chicago when summer's around the corner - that's what this feels like. snow in chicago, but in august.



so not appropriate - so not okay - so not how things should be.

i know that i know that i know that this is "just a season" and that in 6 months, maybe even in 3 months, i will look back and this will seem a fast blur. but this 10-month season is just not welcome anymore. the hills i trek up and down everyday, the 30 minute commute to my "job", the hour commute to school, this fridge that doesn't have pictures of my people on it, this bed that isn't mine - it's not welcome anymore. now, don't get me wrong... it's not that i'm ungrateful. i am MORE THAN grateful for the gift this season has been, but it's time.

time to move on. time to sleep in my bed. time to have pictures my niece draws me back on my fridge. time to have people over at my house and just feel at home in their company. time to live with a roommate that knows what facebook and blogging are instead of ones who prefer Mexican Train. time to feel like i'm my age as opposed to the swinging pendulum of one day feeling 12 and the next 70. 3 months seasons are much more my thing, so it's time for this long season to say its goodbyes.