.paralyzed.

something about this whole job search thing has left me feeling paralyzed. like i'm stuck in a New York City traffic jam with no way out,



or like i'm water that's meant to be rushing down a river and i'm dammed up because someone stuck a wall there.

that's a little bit how i feel. now, let me be honest about something if i can. i'm grateful for this time. stinkin' grateful to get the chance to work part time from home for an organization i believe in with my whole being - operation hope. i love that i get to have a small piece in changing one itty bitty corner of Africa and that they have trusted me enough to let me do it from orange county so i don't have to uproot my life. did i say i love it? because i do. it's fantastic.

but there's just something about not being able to move out, not being able to "go to work" everyday, not being able to meet new people and have a reason to get out of the house that has me paralyzed. (not to mention my car's in the shop all day...) i don't think this is the way my God created me to live. i don't think this is the "abundant life" he talks about in his word. i don't feel like my soul is being fed sitting at home on my computer looking for part time jobs and re-creating a website. maybe if i was a stay-at-home-mom, this whole part-time from home job thing would be just what i need, but i'm not and i'm going nuts.

i know that student ministry fills my soul, it gives me a reason to live beyond myself, it makes me recognize that the job is bigger than me and that i have a gracious God who loves to have his kids depend on him, so he makes it bigger than i can handle on purpose. i miss that. terribly and i want desperately for him to provide a job for me that will allow me to do student ministry, but they are hard to come by in these times because of the current situation of non-profits. so if you're reading this, pray with me.

i want out of the traffic jam, i want the dam to break and i want my life and spirit and soul to be set free to live and minister the way that God created me. i. love. Jesus. and i desperately want to take that love to kids who are without it. it fills my soul like nothing else can or will. so Lord, in your sovereign mercy, provide a way out.