i have lately (and likely have most of my life) found myself doing all i can to please the people around me. i wouldn't view myself as a "people pleaser," but am recently discovering that i may be wrong. right now, in this season, in this moment, i just want people to let me be weak, broken, crumble and not perform, but yet i need something or someone to perform for or i lose myself in me.
i know i should be performing life for an audience of One - who knows me by name, calls me beloved and welcomes a broken heart. but something in me longs for affirmation, loves the "good job"s and "i think you did the right thing"s. but my Audience says "when nothing satisfies you, hold MY hand." and to be brutally vulnerable i'm having a really hard time doing that right now because i want to be strong. i want to be enough.
so for now... i keep being the strong one. i keep walking the tension of rising and falling, pleasing others but rarely focusing on my audience of One. i need a change. i need a paradigm shift and i need my life to look different in 6 months, 6 weeks... better yet 6 days than it does today. i need to give myself permission to be the weak one so that i am forced to hold His hand. i need you, audience of One.