I am currently in a season of learning what it looks like to surrender... I can honestly say it's one of the hardest things to do when you are someone who likes your world under control, all the time. God is teaching me and often he uses unexpected things to do it.
It was Wednesday morning in Haiti and our schedule for that morning was to sleep in. If you've met me, I LOVE to do this. Well, that was not God's schedule for me. There was pounding on my door around 8am and so I jumped out of bed and ran to the door to find two of my teammates of my new friends that lives in Haiti standing at the door frantically telling me, "There was a bad accident. We're getting on the helicopter right now to go take them to the hospital. You need to go be with Joy. We don't know who was hurt, it may have been Kerry (her husband)."
Early that morning, some of our guys had gone to Port-Au-Prince to take a team of 4 guys to the airport.
What was going through my half-asleep, pre-caffeinated mind was this:
- "My dad is on that bus. I don't know what I'd do if my dad wasn't okay. Kerry is on that bus. I don't know what Joy and their 8 kids will do if he's not okay. If Kerry's not okay, I'm not leaving Haiti. I'm not leaving Joy." I was calm on the outside but freaking out the inside and then started shaking. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming peace and I prayed, "Lord, if you decided to take my dad and Kerry today, I would still trust you. I would know that you're in control, that it was part of your plan and that I would be okay." (Believe me, this was all Jesus) At that point, Jarred said to me, "Your dad's okay. He's the one that texted about it. Just go be with Joy."
I threw my shoes on and ran to Joy & Kerry's apartment. I got there and she was holding her cell phone, waiting for them to call and was trying not to panic with 5 kids needing her attention and affection. We knelt down right there and started praying. Soon after, Kerry called and said he was fine, but to pray for Jeff. Jeff is a pastor that was there visiting from Louisiana. He's 36 and has a wife and kids at home. He had a significant amount of damage to his face and will need surgery, potentially a few surgeries. They got him to Miami quickly and he is doing okay, but it will be a long road. If you think of it, please pray for him and his family.
But I am continuing to learn from this is that I have expectations of what I think my life is supposed to look like. When MY expectations aren't met, I am disappointed in God because things aren't going my way. Well shouldn't they be going his way, not mine? What that requires is an all out surrender of my agenda and expectations so that God might have the space in my life to write a better story. That day, I learned what it meant to surrender. I learned what it meant to have absolutely zero control of a situation and still trust God with the outcome. God is teaching me to surrender it all and to release my expectations in exchange for the amazing plan he is beginning to unfold. A painful process? Yes. But I could not be more grateful for the early morning wake up call in Haiti.
"This life I live... it finds meaning in surrender. So take my life, let it be, everything all of me. Here I am, use me for Your glory. In everything I say and do, let me my life honor You. Here I am, living for Your glory." - Tim Hughes