On Obedience

I took a job with an incredible organization called Students International about a year and a half ago knowing full well that part of my job was to lead mission trips - something I've been hugely passionate about for years and have done with enthusiasm. But then we had a baby. We went to Costa Rica when I was 12 weeks pregnant, but then I got a free pass for the last 16 months because, you know, pregnancy, childbirth, recovery, nursing - all the things. In November, Jarred and I made plans to take a group of college students to Nicaragua with our good friend Joel and we've been so excited about it since then. But as soon as the reality hit that I would be weaning our baby girl and leaving her for a week, I almost bailed about 1000 times, including during our layover in the Houston airport.

I called a friend and colleague and said, "How do you leave your babies? I don't think I can do it. I'm going to back out. Talk me down." And she did. Bless her. Her advice was simple - "The first time is the hardest. I promise it will go by quickly once you get there and get busy. Give yourself permission to come home or to not go if your childcare situation isn't working out or your kid is hysterical." All of these words were helpful, but in my logical mind it just felt so wrong to leave my 10 month old and go to Central America for a week.

Here's what it came down to for me - obedience. All the mommy guilt, positive self-talk, awesome grandparents babysitting, knowledge that there's a 99% chance that it's all going to go down just fine - all of that was great, but the kicker for me was this thing that we often like to ignore called obedience. The bottom line is that God has called me to work for SI to bring people into his story across the globe. I have no doubt about that. Because of that, I am called to be obedient when he asks me to "go" - plain and simple. What I want my daughter to see is that her parents are obedient. I want that more than anything and if I were to back out because I was scared or because of her, it sends the wrong message - to her, my college gals I walk with, my friends, the students on the trip, our church community. Don't get me wrong, not a single person would have faulted me for staying home with my 10 month old baby, but I knew that I knew that I knew that we were called and I was to be obedient to that call.

Jarred and I always want our kids to see our hearts for the nations, for the poor and we want them to know that God is bigger than their little world. As soon as they're big enough to wear bug spray, you bet they'll be coming with us, but for now, our job is to continue to be obedient. That's what we want them to know about their parents and see modeled. And we need to start practicing that now - not when they're 3 or 6 or 10, but now, when they're tiny.

The crazy part is that I unexpectedly got to share this with the women in Nicaragua who thought I was literally nuts for weaning and leaving my baby. The even crazier part is that despite the cultural differences and the fact that it's not something they would ever do, they understood. When I explained to them that it wasn't that I wanted to leave my baby and that my heart was torn in shreds when I put her to bed the night before I left, but that I came because I care about them and because I want my daughter to see me being obedient - somehow, they understood (and I even got baby snuggles while I was there, thanks Jesus).

One of my Nicaraguan colleagues spoke such truth to me the night before we left. She told me how much she respects me as a mom and how much she admires my desire for my kids to know God's heart for the world. She told me I'm a good mom and that God used me in her life last week, just when she needed me. And I knew that I was in the right place for all the right reasons. Obediently saying "yes" was the hardest part… that and getting on the plane.

Tension: Hope & Redemption

Click here - to read a post about our journey to Haiti last week. There will be more where this came from but didn't want you to feel left out :)

Happy Sunday!

.dominican things.

Four days of "drinking through the Dominican Republic fire hose" is leaving me wanting more & ready to be home all at the same time. The wanting more side of me is loving the culture, clearly loving the language, the people and the 12 different ministries here. It's a ridiculously beautiful country with people characterized by the dichotomy of hardship and joy.

Having spent a decent amount of time on the other side of Hispaniola has presented me with the reality that these people share an island and a climate but not much else. Truly. The stark contrast between here and Haiti and the evident distaste for the other country's culture and people is almost alarming. Then best way I can describe it is that the DR feels like Puerto Rico or places in South America while Haiti feels like the jungles of Africa.

These people have sub-par education systems, their unemployment rate is high and chance of upward mobility, low. Yet the darkness and spiritual oppression that are tangibly experienced in Haiti are not nearly as present here. There is a sense of joy in these people - with strong religious backgrounds (both Catholic and Protestant) and a high value on family and relationships, they seem to have more hope, more life, more joy. I can't help but attribute that to the presence of Christ and community in their lives.

I wrestle with the tension of not being ready to leave tomorrow because I am wanting to be with these people, pick the brains of those who run this ministry and see more of this crazy beautiful island. But I'm wanting to go home because ministry and missions aren't the same without my husband and I don't want to experience any more of this place without him. Our call to missions and to loving those without hope ans helping those without resources is a joint call and it's honestly hard to be here without him. I've been struck by what a travel buddy will do for your sense of belonging and your will to get up each morning and serve. Without Katy this trip, I'd have been one sad girl.

I am grateful for the 4 days of redemption this place and Students International have brought me through both their long term and short term missions philosophies and their staff. It is a joy to have new partners in ministry and I am incredibly confident that we'll be back :)

.apologies.

apologies to all who faithfully or not so faithfully read this thing... I have been what they call m.i.a. - i.e. Texas, Haiti, headed to Europe, etc. (i'm secretly hoping that over-abbreviating will accentuate my list of reasons why i've been so busy and unable to post, so if it's not working, work with me).

i promise to do my best to get better.

here's what i've been up to...

TEXAS - for the bridal shower of a sweet friend whose wedding i happen to miss because i'll be in...

SPAIN and HOLLAND - with my family and my beau for 10 days to visit our family (in Holland, not Spain and yes, I know I look more Spanish than Dutch), but in between the two I was in...

HAITI - taking an incredible team of 6 women to work over there for 9 months.

will those excuses suffice? i certainly hope so. i have blog posts swirling in my head about things like the absolute terrifying moments at the inglewood courthouse (but i want to make sure i am crime-free and don't need to go back there first), what God has been teaching me about surrendering expectations and praying His will be done, how Haiti changed me - once again, how the 6 gals who are living in Haiti changed me and are continuing to change me. so for now, click the link about the girls... this is life-changing stuff that will inevitably keep you on your toes until i return...

hasta luego... bonjour... daj... i'll be home soon, pinky promise.

.inspired by these 6.

Click here to read about the life-changing project God is allowing me to be part of. Amazing-ness. I'll get back to the regularly scheduled road-trip picture posting programming someday. This is just too exciting to miss :)

.paradox.

today i popped into the office of pastor friend who happened to be sitting at his desk and had time to chat. we just caught up on life, on ministry, on family stuff (or lack thereof since i have no spouse and children). he talked of his daughter's upcoming adventure to Barcelona to study for a few months and how excited he was. i was reminded of our upcoming trip to Barcelona and told him i'd love to connect with his daughter (who went on a mission trip with us last summer). we then got to talking about vacations and great places to visit.

as i sat in his office in one of the wealthiest communities in the california - perfect sunny 75 degree weather with the breeze blowing through the window and fresh flowers on the desk, i thought of what a paradox our situation was. two people in full-time ministry talking about 5star vacations when really the topic should have stayed on missions. (never mind the amazing conversation that followed about the 19-29 generation who doesn't know what to do so they do nothing - glad i missed that boat by 1/2 a year, whew).

but in all seriousness, there was a paradox happening in my head of thinking - "what a nice conversation about the opportunities we've been able to have traveling overseas." and then i thought, "if i could get on a plan to go anywhere right now, where would i go?" the answer? undoubtedly and whole-heartedly - haiti. you see, our great God has changed me.

he's changed me from someone who used to love the adventure of overseas travel, love the thrill of saving my money to go on a sweet vacation and do whatever I WANT to do with whoever I WANT to go with for however long I WANT to go. who's in?

to...

someone whois devastated because my brother and sister-in-law are in haiti right now and i want to be there. someone who cannot WAIT to get my plane ticket booked for september because i am beyond excited to go back. someone who is being broken for the things that break GOD'S HEART and being called into things that advance GOD'S KINGDOM instead of mine. who's in?

truly, i'm more excited about haiti than i am about barcelona and they happen to fall in the same month. i love how God is changing me. i love the tension of the paradox in the pastor's office today.

Lord, that i may live more focused on your kingdom instead of my own, that my passion for doing things for you might increase more and more and my passion for doing things for me might decrease, that i might continue to find pleasure in the blessings, but be absolutely inspired and motivated by the difficult task of loving others for your name's sake - that you might find me worthy to live in the tension of the paradox

.

.courage.

i've been back from peru a week, sifting through my jet lag, emotions, pictures and memories and there is a word that i can't shake... courage.

here's how i saw courage in my dear friends:

- learning Spanish despite mental blocks, crazy schedules and excuses not to
- being an American kid and showing up to school everyday knowing you aren't going to fit in, aren't going to speak the language, aren't going to understand much
- putting yourself out there to make friends, either with other American missionaries or with Peruvians
- braving the streets of Lima - believe me when i say this takes courage
- trusting God with not only your own lives but the lives and transitions of your kids, knowing you've been called as a family

- being bold enough to get a haircut and new glasses when it involves traffic, parking issues and a language barrier
- pushing through the tears and the mental breakdowns in order to move forward
- not looking back, not copping out, simply looking forward and recognizing that our God is good and he has not forsaken them
- doing scary, humbling things in another culture and language because they know it's the only way to become part of the world they are ministering to
- being able to laugh at themselves when the language isn't working or when something doesn't translate culturally
- trusting that God is bigger than their circumstances and that his will is perfect despite the struggle

- being able to be honest about the hard things - embracing tears, hard days and frustrations
- knowing that they are in God's will and reminding themselves daily that He is enough and He will provide

there is nothing that feels safe or comfortable about living in a culture other than your own... at least not for the first year and i'd imagine even after that it's tough. the only time you really feel like you can let down is in your own home and even that takes a little getting used to.

there was so much of me that was taken back to the months i lived in spain - the feelings i felt, the emotions i experienced, the daily struggles with the language and the culture. and then i had to grab perspective. i was in spain for 4 months. FOUR. i knew i was coming home. i knew there was an end. i knew i'd make it through if i could just push a few more weeks (not that it was torture or anything:) but 3-5 years is a totally different ball game. the amount of "pull-you-up-by-your-chin-straps" courage and reliance on Christ is astounding. i have entirely new perspective on what long term missionaries have to endure and i have a drastically increased amount of respect and prayer for my best friends who are living this out in peru.

blake and sarah - you guys are rad. you are loved. you are prayed over. you are not alone. keep on keepin' on.

.simply complicated.

today i blogged here about peru... about my thoughts on simplicity... about how i'd like to live my life more like they do in developing countries.

.spanglish debaucle.

i'm en route to Peru to see some of my faves. i did a little blog action from the costa rican airport over here.

.vision of splendor - backdrop of squalor.

today i blogged here about haiti... i have a feeling this blogging about haiti thing is long from over :)

www.sendmeusemechangeme.blogspot.com/2011/04/vision-of-splendor-backdrop-of-squalor.html

.surrender.

I am currently in a season of learning what it looks like to surrender... I can honestly say it's one of the hardest things to do when you are someone who likes your world under control, all the time. God is teaching me and often he uses unexpected things to do it.

It was Wednesday morning in Haiti and our schedule for that morning was to sleep in. If you've met me, I LOVE to do this. Well, that was not God's schedule for me. There was pounding on my door around 8am and so I jumped out of bed and ran to the door to find two of my teammates of my new friends that lives in Haiti standing at the door frantically telling me, "There was a bad accident. We're getting on the helicopter right now to go take them to the hospital. You need to go be with Joy. We don't know who was hurt, it may have been Kerry (her husband)."

Early that morning, some of our guys had gone to Port-Au-Prince to take a team of 4 guys to the airport.

What was going through my half-asleep, pre-caffeinated mind was this:
- "My dad is on that bus. I don't know what I'd do if my dad wasn't okay. Kerry is on that bus. I don't know what Joy and their 8 kids will do if he's not okay. If Kerry's not okay, I'm not leaving Haiti. I'm not leaving Joy." I was calm on the outside but freaking out the inside and then started shaking. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming peace and I prayed, "Lord, if you decided to take my dad and Kerry today, I would still trust you. I would know that you're in control, that it was part of your plan and that I would be okay." (Believe me, this was all Jesus) At that point, Jarred said to me, "Your dad's okay. He's the one that texted about it. Just go be with Joy."

I threw my shoes on and ran to Joy & Kerry's apartment. I got there and she was holding her cell phone, waiting for them to call and was trying not to panic with 5 kids needing her attention and affection. We knelt down right there and started praying. Soon after, Kerry called and said he was fine, but to pray for Jeff. Jeff is a pastor that was there visiting from Louisiana. He's 36 and has a wife and kids at home. He had a significant amount of damage to his face and will need surgery, potentially a few surgeries. They got him to Miami quickly and he is doing okay, but it will be a long road. If you think of it, please pray for him and his family.

But I am continuing to learn from this is that I have expectations of what I think my life is supposed to look like. When MY expectations aren't met, I am disappointed in God because things aren't going my way. Well shouldn't they be going his way, not mine? What that requires is an all out surrender of my agenda and expectations so that God might have the space in my life to write a better story. That day, I learned what it meant to surrender. I learned what it meant to have absolutely zero control of a situation and still trust God with the outcome. God is teaching me to surrender it all and to release my expectations in exchange for the amazing plan he is beginning to unfold. A painful process? Yes. But I could not be more grateful for the early morning wake up call in Haiti.

"This life I live... it finds meaning in surrender. So take my life, let it be, everything all of me. Here I am, use me for Your glory. In everything I say and do, let me my life honor You. Here I am, living for Your glory." - Tim Hughes

.mèsi Senyè...

for the last week, i've been blogging over here... www.sendmeusemechangeme.blogspot.com. this is the blog for my work, and for a day or two i spent the time to copy/paste/re-upload all the posts and pictures. instead of wasting my afternoon doing that, i've decided to go ahead and just link you over there to read my posts.

today i posted Mèsi Senyè... i am in process. God is doing something in me and desiring to change me so that i might change his kingdom. i can't even begin to tell you what a different place this is than the place i've been the last 2 months. the fog has definitely lifted and i'm coming out of the pit. HE IS FAITHFUL.

.a stirring.

God is stirring something in my heart for Haiti. I am absolutely loving it. Like nothing I’ve ever loved. I’m not sure what it is. I think part of it is Kerry & Joy Reeves and part of it is the people here. The other pieces of it are the devastation you see & the people you interact with. They all have a story – most of them a tragic story. They all are totally dependent on something – most of them voodoo or witchcraft to get them through. With 10% Christianity and many of those being “nominal” Christians, there’s a huge tendency to just give up hope on these people's lives ever changing.

But not the Reeves'. They inspire me. I'm overwhelmed by their hearts for these people and to truly help them - by help I mean empowering them to help themselves. It's such an amazing ministry and a gift to be working alongside them.

Gran, the widow that the Reeves' take care of. She's a strong believer & huge influence on her community & her kids.

Gorgeous.

Women in the refugee camp.

Gatina, my homegirl & one of the orphans. Love her :)

Sunset in Haiti. <3

.haiti, here i come.

Psalm 82:3&4 "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

As I re-read this verse today, I was reminded of how important it is that we continue to go - to go to places like Haiti and defend these devastated people. They are poor, oppressed, weak and needy and it truly is our calling to be their defense and to encourage our partners who are doing ministry in the depths of human need. I sit here tonight, beginning to pack my bags, ridiculously humbled at the opportunity I have to go and serve in a place like Haiti. I think about our Operation HOPE team - one of the physicians is my dear friend, a ministry partner from IMPACT here in CA has joined us late in the game, my parents are going, my sister-in-law, my aunt, the mothers of both of my sisters-in-law - and I am utterly blown away by the gift it is to be going on this trip.

I've felt called to this place and wanted to go there for years... since before the quake when one of my friends was in a heart-wrenching adoption process to get their son. Their story is incredible. Through her, I've been linked with the Livesay's who live a life and run a ministry in Port-Au-Prince that will blow you away. All this to say, in some weird way, it's one of my dreams to go to Haiti - to meet the amazing people who live there, to learn about their culture and to serve them in whatever way God has planned for me. I am humbled. Truly. And cannot wait to tell the stories of my Haitian brothers and sisters and to watch our great God do what he does best - change lives and bring hope.

.peru.

so the alba east crew? they moved to peru. about a week ago. it is their story, their dream, their reality, but i just get to tell about it... and visit of course :)

blake and sarah goodfellow are some of the most authentic, genuine and loving friends i've ever had. they have four kids, yes four, all of whom i adore and would gladly take as my own :)

we've been through years of ministry on young life staff together, went off staff together and experienced what it was like to lose yourself... and then become yourself without young life. we've been brutally honest with each other about life, dreams, relationships, family and anything else you can think of. we've already been through one very minor move 2 hours up the coast and last week we endured a much larger one... to peru.

i can honestly tell you i think God was being so gracious by allowing me to move to santa barbara one year before their overseas move because i'm not sure i could have handled going from a few days a week to a few days a year. these are my people. they know my life, they know my stuff, they truly know me... and they were called to peru.

so i showed up & we piled all 7 of us into my car for 3 days and we packed till the wee hours of the morning
and we ran errands and we did last american things like the movies & california pizza kitchen. we cleaned house & we cried tears & we tried to shove 7 and a half years of life and california memories into 24 bags and 3 days of packing. it was awesome and brutal all at the same time. these people heard a call, they responded to that call and they didn't hesitate, they didn't look back, the just obeyed. they are going to live out the gospel to a community of women who are known as society's rejects and offer hope to broken people. it is absolutely beautiful. it's bold. it's courageous. to take your 4 small children and realize the "american dream" is empty and go live a better story is ridiculously life-giving, for everyone involved.

there aren't many people i admire more than these. despite the flood of tears and "you can do this" pep talks at LAX, a beautiful story is beginning to unfold in lima, peru. and let me tell you, my march visit can't come soon enough.

goodfellows, i could not be more proud to call you "my bests". let's do this thing.

.alba.

there's this house on alba east that closed it's doors this week to was probably its most well-lived years. this place belonged to some of my best friends.

on monday, they moved to peru (more on this later). what made this place on alba so special?

- 4 kids living and loving every square inch of this place, each with their own kind of love (tears, puke, laughter, sword fights, snuggles, music, head injuries, birthday parties, imagination)


- 2 parents who learned a heck of a lot in the 4 and a half years they lived on alba, that's their story to tell but i can tell you there were ups, downs, love and competition, fights and forgiveness, questions and resolution.

- many "tell the truth tuesday nights" where we would sit on the couch and be brutally honest with each other about what was going on in our lives, no judgement, no criticism, just pure "doing life" together in the most authentic way i've ever done life

- a "shirtless spaghetti dinner" or two involving only the men de-shirting as to teach toddler boys how to eat spaghetti without staining perfectly good shirts, that's solid parenting


- many "catan nights" where a group of us would gather to drink margaritas, eat mexican food & play the game we all love the most - settlers of catan. these nights were filled with fierce competition, laughter & great conversation... and of course catan themed cupcakes

- days spent playing the wii and watching football & basketball (i'm still convinced there's not many better ways to spend a Sunday afternoon)

- parties, parties & more parties - birthdays, super bowl, baby showers, game nights... this was the place to be

- countless books read and whispered giggles with those 4 precious kiddos as i tucked them in at night

- gallons of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and boxes of powdered donuts consumed by the lady of the house... and yogurt by the girls of the house, i see a trend :)


- tears were shed during hard seasons of life, hard seasons of ministry and the crappy stuff that happens, but the house on alba east? it was safe. we could cry there, we could grieve there, we could be honest there

- it became the "study spot" for the week i finished grad school, probably the only week that house was quiet. literally, but it got me through finals & allowed me to graduate.

- friendships were formed on that street that will last a lifetime, seeds were planted in that neighborhood that we trust God will continue to grow despite the departure of the ones he called there for that season

- dreams were formed in that house. mission trips were planned in that house. mission trips that started with a simple weekend adventure we embarked on in mexico... followed by their week in guatemala... followed by the journey they are now a part of - peru (stay tuned for that story)

so alba - we thank you. for your open door and cozy couch, for allowing us the space to be honest, for embracing each kid and adult and giving us the space to become who we needed to be, for teaching us that the american dream is not all it's cracked up to be & being gracious enough to be left behind when a small apartment in peru or a small duplex in santa barbara beckoned our next calling and in so many ways allowed more "space" for us to be who we're called to be.

and goodfellows, thanks for being willing to open those doors & let others into your lives there. may that have only been preparation for what He has next in peru.

.music mondays - follow you.

i first heard this song yesterday and i knew it was the one for music mondays. it's called "follow you" by leeland - who happens to be a pretty great band :)

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.
Follow you into the World.

Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.
Follow you into the World.

I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.

as i start my new job in january with an organization called IMPACT out of santa barbara (ish), this song speaks volumes about what we've been called to do. we are sending people to the "homes of the broken and meet the needs of the poor and needy." i love what the organization does and i love that i get to set people up to play a part in his bigger kingdom! man, i'm excited about this job and i can't stinkin' wait to have the opportunity to point people to Jesus and give them an opportunity to get off the bench and in the game. i love this song because it motivates me. it reminds me what really fuels me in my life and it renews my passion for Jesus and for expanding his kingdom. it reminds me of who our Jesus is and what he's about and dang it - he's about the homes of the broken and the needs of the poor and why should i not give it away?

so, Lord - i give all myself... everything i am to you to see your kingdom come. let's do this thing.