Monday, August 18, 2008

.trust. (the sequel) - .sweetly broken.

for me, learning how to trust means letting go. it means being broken.

i am one of those people who has everything under control, all the time. my superiors, my friends, my parents genuinely don't worry about me because they know i'll figure it out somehow, someway. and i usually do, except when it comes to matters of the heart.

i hate things over which i have no control - i.e. my heart and my emotions - so i typically try to avoid all things that involve that. this is not to say that i am incapable of deeply loving others or having legit relationships - this is never an issue for me. i'm willing to give of myself and to share my life like an open book. it's when my emotions get involved that i start to freak out.

i'm not a cryer by nature. it happens maybe a half a dozen times a year, but when it happens, i mean it happens. this is when i know that i'm letting go of something or that God finally has control of something that never belonged to me in the first place. last night, following the sermon at church, it happened. me = a pile of tears during worship. we're talking the kind of tears that won't stop (thank God for waterproof mascara and my dear friend,erin). I was in a place of being "sweetly broken, wholly surrendered." words i was unable to sing because there were so many tears.

but what relief. i left there feeling better than i've felt in weeks - having clarity on what needs to be let go of, knowing exactly how to take the steps to do that and now just trusting that God knows what He's doing and that He ALWAYS has my best interest in mind. how much easier would my life be if i had done that weeks ago? oh, sweet surrender.

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