Monday, September 29, 2008

.big kingdom - small step.

so much of my life is tied together and it is all interwoven by His capable hands - even the stuff i neglect to notice or am too busy to thank Him for. today was one of those days when i watched some of the interweaving happening right before my eyes. today God showed up...

i'm in a weird place in my life where i feel insignificant and voice-less. i feel like where i am is stripped down, broken, aimless and insecure. i know God has me here for a reason - this place makes me vulnerable and malleable. my normal place of competence and security does not. He has ever-so-gently and subtly taken away all my authority, consistency, vision and security - i am bare bones and i hate it. all i know is that i'm called to this step, this step that will last 6-9 months and beyond this step, i have been given nothing. that scares the living daylights out of me. and i don't like this step, but i do like the breadcrumbs.

like the manna of the old testament, i get random breadcrumbs along the way to assure me that i'm on the right track. today, He gave me a few.

- the first was the prayer of a dear friend over the phone at midnight that God would just do something in my life and ease me of my fear and anxiety in the midst of the questions and frustration.

- the second was the opportunity to do an odd job for a friend's work that turned into just the right amount to pay the bills & gas through the end of the month - coincidence? i think not.

- the third, an unexpected divine appointment with a newer friend who gave me much needed eternal perspective on breadcrumbs, this step and the kingdom.

i realized tonight that God's kingdom is big - huge, massive, infinite - this step in my life is so very small in comparison, but my friend helped me realize that it is so very big in being revolutionary for the upside down kingdom He longs to bring. in surrendering all my life, plans, goals, rights and entitlements, i'm inviting God to use me and to work in me in ways that wouldn't be possible if i continued to control my stuff (time, money, living situation, job, ministry, etc). i realize now that i am in for it. and i have a choice - i can be anxious about step or i can be thankful that He's called little me to something huge in His kingdom and just enjoy the ride...

my prayer is that i'll wake up each morning for the next 6-9 months with eternal perspective, a breadcrumb or two and a thankful heart that He's called me to this journey.

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