Bravo

Friends, there is a milestone here this week... these are the last few days of this job I've had for almost four years. Four long years where I've learned more than a blog post could ever summarize. I will do my best to debrief it here later so that you can have the gift of seeing all that God has done and is doing in my life. It's been ugly and beautiful, frustrating and gratifying, convicting and redeeming, but one of the biggest things this job has been for me is healing. A healing that began in my years on Young Life staff when I was young and fresh out of Texas. A healing that continued in graduate school where the most incredible professors spoke amazing truth over my life and told me I could... A healing that has continued to grow and plopped me in a place of confidence I never thought I'd have - one that's still growing, but one that I definitely didn't think was possible for me.

It's best described here... thank you Jen for speaking my feelings so well:
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/08/wherever-it-rises

Thank you to the pastors I've interacted with, the friends I've made and mostly the incredible boss I've been given the chance to work under - you have all changed me for the better and given me a gift no one can ever take back from me... confidence to know that I can be used and I have a voice. Thank you, from the bottom of this Texas girl's heart.

Bravo, Jesus, Bravo.

Bullets - Part 1

Well friends, it's been a little while or a long while. While I'm discovering that marriage + a full-time job + doing ministry = awesome, it also equals not much free time (you know, with someone living in your ish constantly - in your bed, in your used to be but not anymore clean house, your time - you know). Because of these things and other things you'll read in the bullets, you're getting just that for a little while - bullets. They're effective for a busy life, right? Maybe I'll elaborate on them when I have a moment to myself, speaking of, there are days when I'd like to be a stay at home wife. Key word, wife - not mom. When I have kids, I'll need the heck out for a minute, you know what I mean? But as a wife - plenty to do around here, quiet house, I think I could dig on that for little bit. Maybe if we lived in Delaware or Oklahoma or something... I digress.

Bullets of things I dig right now:

- my husband's 30th birthday weekend, promise to give you a full post on this, but man - it was delightful - friends, wine, country music, surprises, the whole bit





- hikes in this stupidly gorgeous place








- this girl, enough said








- this crazy thing called Young Life and the 80 college leaders that come with it - the love I have for these people is so deep and so fantastic and the way they love high school, junior high and special needs kids is phenomenal




- a weekend in Napa with my dearest friend and her husband - soul food, I tell ya




- this guy... still totally into him, I got a good one - also loving our weekend getaways while we have them - sonoma for a work conference? i kinda love that.




- friend visits - totally into friend visits (shameless plug)


- cuisine-themed girls night once a month - this is the only picture I have from it - sorry I'm not sorry


- this house we bought, no big - i dig that and the droves of paperwork we're drowning in


in other news... still working on our wedding photo album, and a post about our wedding. just feeling guilty so I thought I'd say it outloud.

.beautiful mess.

so i have this really cute purse. i can only say that because my grandma picked it out and gave it to me - i had nothing to do with it. but i love it. the inside lining is way cute, it's the right size, it goes with anything, it's just fun. i've loved carrying it and get tons of "where did you get that? i love it!"'s from other girls. i mean what girl doesn't want that right? it really is a beautiful purse. or more like a beautiful mess...

about 10 days ago i realized my motrin bottle's top wasn't snug and the ENTIRE BOTTLE spilled in the bottom of my purse. 10 days ago. so for that long i've been walking around with the inside of my purse looking like this...

on the outside it's beautiful... on the inside, it's a mess. i considered cleaning it out tonight and then abruptly changed my mind. the task seemed too daunting because i couldn't simply scoop those guys up and throw them away, i'd have missed a significant amount of the mess and been frustrated when i found it later. the reason i avoided is that it was too much work. I'd have had to empty the whole purse and then take every inch of the mess out and then put it back in one by one. i think as broken humans we're not all too different from my purse... beautiful on the outside but a mess on the inside. i think we'd like to scrape off and scoop out and cover up the stuff people can see - or put on our really cute lining and versatile frame and then not let anyone see the inside. i think all too often i am guilty of putting on this "i've got it together look" so that other people will say to me or about me, "where'd you get that? i love it!" and i can make up some excuse about how i've got it all under control and i'm always doing great - God has blessed me so much. while the whole "i am so blessed" part is true, the other part is not and i think the nasty human in me loves to fall into that trap of not wanting anyone to see the mess and not wanting to deal with it.

this week it's kind of crashed down on me. this amazing new God-given gift of a guy was here with me for a week, we had awesome plans, i was getting back into the work groove with our trips going out this summer, i had fun plans with friends, i was back on my workout routine & feeling better. i had it all goin' on. i was in the zone, lookin like it was all good and well and was ready for people to ask me, "where'd you get that?" that put together life, great boyfriend, amazing job, etc.

and then i got a gnarly case of strep throat that has knocked me down for almost a week. the spilled bottle of motrin just showed its mess to everyone - to my boyfriend who's had to take care of me, to my interns who've had to pick up slack at work, to my trainer who i had to cancel all my workouts this week. the mess started showing & i've been stuck at home this week picking up the pieces and sifting through some of the pieces that i left behind a few months ago. turns out we're all just that - a beautiful mess. and to be honest, i think much of me functions better in sorting through messes than in beauty.

.space.

right now i can't pray, go to church, listen to music, read the Bible or think about anything serious.

"the tears need some space and my heart needs a rest." - there's this girl i've never met but whose blog i read and these words she wrote from scotland yesterday are EXACTLY where i am. exactly.

don't judge me for where i am. it's my journey and right now i'm in a "not so pretty" patch of it. so i am taking space, as much as i need and i'm giving my heart and my brain a rest and i'm giving the tears the space they need to fall - as often and as long as they need to.

i feel grateful that we each get our own journey and that because God loves us he allows us to wrestle and struggle with him and he allows us to be where we are.


these song lyrics by justin mcroberts are the only thing sticking in my mind these days:

"What Love is This"

How long? How long to wait when my heart’s ready to break?
How long? How long to stand when I don’t know who I am?

Would you be my lover if I had no love
And no beauty to speak of?
Would you still be faithful if I had no faith
And I questioned everything?
Amen

What then if I turned away and in darkness hid my face?
Would you leave me then?
Or would you draw me to yourself again?

Would you be my lover if I had no love
And no beauty to speak of?
Would you still be faithful if I had no faith
And I questioned everything?
Amen


What love is this? What love is this,
That will never change? That could never change?
What love is this? What love is this,
That remains the same? It remains the same.

and this... from a sweet friend just blessed my heart more than words can describe...

May the LORD totally bless you this weekend with His presence and love. May Jesus fill those places that are really tough. We pray, in the name of Jesus and in the power of the cross and resurrection, that the enemy will have no power to use what is really hard to pull you away from God. Lord, we bless and care for Bree as she walks this road that You have given her.

.alba.

there's this house on alba east that closed it's doors this week to was probably its most well-lived years. this place belonged to some of my best friends.

on monday, they moved to peru (more on this later). what made this place on alba so special?

- 4 kids living and loving every square inch of this place, each with their own kind of love (tears, puke, laughter, sword fights, snuggles, music, head injuries, birthday parties, imagination)


- 2 parents who learned a heck of a lot in the 4 and a half years they lived on alba, that's their story to tell but i can tell you there were ups, downs, love and competition, fights and forgiveness, questions and resolution.

- many "tell the truth tuesday nights" where we would sit on the couch and be brutally honest with each other about what was going on in our lives, no judgement, no criticism, just pure "doing life" together in the most authentic way i've ever done life

- a "shirtless spaghetti dinner" or two involving only the men de-shirting as to teach toddler boys how to eat spaghetti without staining perfectly good shirts, that's solid parenting


- many "catan nights" where a group of us would gather to drink margaritas, eat mexican food & play the game we all love the most - settlers of catan. these nights were filled with fierce competition, laughter & great conversation... and of course catan themed cupcakes

- days spent playing the wii and watching football & basketball (i'm still convinced there's not many better ways to spend a Sunday afternoon)

- parties, parties & more parties - birthdays, super bowl, baby showers, game nights... this was the place to be

- countless books read and whispered giggles with those 4 precious kiddos as i tucked them in at night

- gallons of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and boxes of powdered donuts consumed by the lady of the house... and yogurt by the girls of the house, i see a trend :)


- tears were shed during hard seasons of life, hard seasons of ministry and the crappy stuff that happens, but the house on alba east? it was safe. we could cry there, we could grieve there, we could be honest there

- it became the "study spot" for the week i finished grad school, probably the only week that house was quiet. literally, but it got me through finals & allowed me to graduate.

- friendships were formed on that street that will last a lifetime, seeds were planted in that neighborhood that we trust God will continue to grow despite the departure of the ones he called there for that season

- dreams were formed in that house. mission trips were planned in that house. mission trips that started with a simple weekend adventure we embarked on in mexico... followed by their week in guatemala... followed by the journey they are now a part of - peru (stay tuned for that story)

so alba - we thank you. for your open door and cozy couch, for allowing us the space to be honest, for embracing each kid and adult and giving us the space to become who we needed to be, for teaching us that the american dream is not all it's cracked up to be & being gracious enough to be left behind when a small apartment in peru or a small duplex in santa barbara beckoned our next calling and in so many ways allowed more "space" for us to be who we're called to be.

and goodfellows, thanks for being willing to open those doors & let others into your lives there. may that have only been preparation for what He has next in peru.

.on loss.

this week we lost a dear friend. a friend who was both sweet and sassy. a friend who fought a more than 10-year classy fight with a brain tumor. Claire Carey is with Jesus and while there's clearly a part of me that's saddened over the loss of a friend, there's part of me that's envious of where she is right now - the songs she's singing that have been sung for thousands of years, the dancing she's doing without needing any help, the talking she's doing without delay and without the struggle it's been to tell her brain to tell her mouth what to speak, but mostly the sweet interaction she's having with our gracious God who gave her to us, but now has called her home to Himself.



there is a sense of loss for those of us left behind. those of us who knew her only peripherally, those of us who got to spend time with her weekly at home group and those of us who were in her daily, even hourly life. it's for those that my heart hurts most. for her husband, her best friends, her family, her caretakers the last few years. there's no worse pain.

but there's something that happens when we lose someone.

we give ourselves permission to grieve - to cry, to pray, to talk about things we wouldn't normally, to drop everything else to be community for each other.

and there's something about this that i think is so healthy, so right.

after our home group spending time together last night doing just those things, i went home feeling somewhat relieved, feeling more peaceful, feeling more raw but simultaneously more put together than i did when i got there. why? because we need that. and we need that more often than just when there is loss. we need that regularly. we were meant to be known. so why do we only use tragedy as an excuse to cry, be honest, drop all other things to be family? my resolve is to do this more often... to be family for those He's put in my life and to be real and give others permission to do the same whether times are good or bad.

Claire Carey, thanks for trusting that God is good despite your inability to understand your circumstances and thanks for using your life as a testimony of that. and thanks for making us family this week. we will miss you here, but will see you there when He calls us home.

.the fine line between good and excellent.

as i sat last night, in the home of some dear friends, absorbing words of wisdom that go far beyond my years, i took a few nuggets home to chew on today. one of them goes something like this: "if you're always striving for the excellent, you have great potential to miss the good that's sitting right in front of you." i let that sink into my brain last night, slept on it and woke this morning with it in the forefront of my mind. is that my problem? am i always striving for the "right" thing, the "best" thing, the "most excellent" thing when all i really need to do is take the good that's in front of me and run with it - make it right, make it excellent? is it really that easy and i make it that hard?

in the marination of that today, i stepped back to see how much truth that bore on my daily life. usually i would pass up grabbing lunch with friends to "get my work done the best i can" when no one even checks my work. i would push my volleyball team to absolute perfection and intensity instead of letting them stop in the moment and laugh at a funny situation. i would work my tail off to make sure everything was perfectly prepared for work tonight - cookies baked, games planned, kids called, all my ducks in a row, instead of stopping and having a conversation with my roommate's visiting mother.

so today, instead of striving for perfection, i took the good. i had lunch with friends and laughed harder than i have in a long time - i let my girls stop in the middle of practice and have some much needed comic relief - i played guitar hero and chatted with my roommate's mom instead of making sure my life was perfectly in line.

so maybe that's the next step. maybe i strive to make this next transition in my life one of simply taking the good that's in front of me and running with it instead of looking for the perfect, right job that will fit every single one of my needs. abba, help me become that person that i naturally wouldn't choose to be.