Seven: Food - Day 18

Welp, we're almost there - 20 days will be here in 48 hours. Before you get excited and think that we did it, I have (yet again) to confess. There were a few days last week - say maybe days 15-16 that I didn't give a rip about the fast we were doing. You may ask me to define "I didn't give a rip," okay - 2 sugar cookies with buttercream frosting (breaking more than one rule, maybe 3), a piece of apple raspberry pie (also multiple rule-breakers), pizza and tortilla chips - all in 2 days. Wow. I mean if you're gonna cheat, go all in, right? That's my philosophy - make it good. And boy I did.

Of course that night, Jarred and I are sitting on the couch talking about our day and he asks, "How you doing with Seven this week?" Why? Why when there's something to confess does someone always ask the hard question?!?!?! Ugh… The ugly truth came spilling out. I told him I'd stopped caring. He asked me if I'd be willing to jump back on the bandwagon for the last few days and pony up. Maybe? was my reply. People, something is wrong with me! I've lost all self-control. So I thought about it and saw how much he didn't want to do it alone and I agreed.

So until Monday, we are back in the saddle - making good choices and doing our dang best to stick with the program. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - it's birthday celebration time and I don't give a rip - with GREAT reason. No rules on birthdays people.

We will do our best to be really spiritual on Monday and give you some great grand finale to what we've learned this month. Wish us luck :)

A little glimpse of something I've been really convicted about this month is inviting Jesus into my challenges. I have found over and over again this month that I forget to ask for help. I think I can do it on my own so I try and I try and I try and I fail, every stinkin' time. I still haven't quite mastered the art of stopping before I start my day and asking Jesus to give me the strength to fast that day, the strength to do what's best that day, the discipline to say no that day. Maybe I've got 2 days left to practice… sweet Jesus, give me grace.

Seven: Food - Day 10

Here I am again to tell you that we're failing at Food Month ;)

This month is really hard (even after we fell off the bandwagon and changed it up) - it's really, really hard. It's been amazing to me how much our society and our friend groups revolve around food and drinks. I mean, I guess that's been true for hundreds of years in many cultures - food and gathering around the table are a defining piece of the culture. When you deny yourself seven categories of food, you learn much about your dependence on those things. It's so good and so bad all in the same breath.

You know what I want? Lemonade... and wine... and some cookie dough... and a loaf of sourdough bread. The sad part is I can't stop thinking about it. The phrase, "You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" has been ringing through my head the last 10 days.

But our bodies are truly amazing creations. They are built to survive, built to find an alternative, built to work together with all their oodles of parts and figure out what to tell you to substitute when you can't have lemonade or bread or wine. It's unreal how lemonade has turned into afternoon cantaloupe snacking and cookie dough has found it's supplement in energy balls made of peanut butter, oats, coconut and honey. And wine? Well, let's get real - there's really no substitute for a good glass of wine... It's been awesome to see my body "figure it out" and give my brain the signal to tell me what to substitute.

Some of our not-so-finest moments this month you'll catch us arguing over whether certain cereal has too much sweetness in it to be qualified as consuming sugar or whether or not it's okay to eat bread with mostly wheat flour. But some of our finer moments have been the look across the table when all we want is a bite of homemade pie and we tell each other without words that it's worth it.

My evil temptress college gals tried to convince me to sneak a glass of wine with them after Jarred went to bed... it's those moments where I say "no" and then I feel like I'd pay them $100 to open the wine and pour it in my mouth like I've won the battle. :) But seriously, it's been cool to do this for something bigger than ourselves - to be an example to college students, medical professionals, our friends and family of people who are willing to sacrifice so that we might learn something. We want this to somehow bring us closer to the God who created food as nourishment... and not to be an idol. And somehow I think that's working.

Bravo

Friends, there is a milestone here this week... these are the last few days of this job I've had for almost four years. Four long years where I've learned more than a blog post could ever summarize. I will do my best to debrief it here later so that you can have the gift of seeing all that God has done and is doing in my life. It's been ugly and beautiful, frustrating and gratifying, convicting and redeeming, but one of the biggest things this job has been for me is healing. A healing that began in my years on Young Life staff when I was young and fresh out of Texas. A healing that continued in graduate school where the most incredible professors spoke amazing truth over my life and told me I could... A healing that has continued to grow and plopped me in a place of confidence I never thought I'd have - one that's still growing, but one that I definitely didn't think was possible for me.

It's best described here... thank you Jen for speaking my feelings so well:
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/08/wherever-it-rises

Thank you to the pastors I've interacted with, the friends I've made and mostly the incredible boss I've been given the chance to work under - you have all changed me for the better and given me a gift no one can ever take back from me... confidence to know that I can be used and I have a voice. Thank you, from the bottom of this Texas girl's heart.

Bravo, Jesus, Bravo.

.trust.

i can't sleep.

i have to get up in 6 and a half hours and it's just not happening. if you know me at all, you know i'm an 8-9 hours per night kinda girl and i thoroughly enjoy sleeping, so this, my dear friends, is odd. i've had a couple of days that just "spun me out" and i'm not sure how to make sense of it all and the reality of it keeps me up at night.

my uncle and i had a "date night" tonight and we were having a glass of really phenomenal wine, talking life and after explaining my "spin out days," he said to me, "God's just having a little fun with you." now, i'm not sure how i feel about that.

on one hand i felt relieved - "this is not the end of the world. things will get better. God's got something up his sleeve and he's just throwing me a curve ball - it's all good."

on the other hand i felt distraught - "that's so not true. God is not having fun with me because this is not funny. there's no way in heck that this situation is 'funny' to God and he's in the pain with me and not amused by my frustration and disappointment."

after a few hours process time, i'm going with the latter. i am convinced that i love, know and believe in a God who suffers in my suffering and rejoices in my rejoicing. a God who is never late, but always right on time. a God who finishes what He starts. a God who doesn't take his kids far down a path just to leave them stranded. that's just not my God.

so i will trust. i will feel the sting of loss and i will move forward. i will trust that while He may very well be throwing me a curve ball, it's for my own good and i will find Him faithful in the end. has He not always proven Himself to me? is not all i need to be found in Him?

in the words of drew bray,

"all my confidence in myself is failing me
though i understand, my life's in your hands
why can't i seem to let it go?

this is my prayer, this is my cry
to know how to live and to learn how to die.

help me believe, all that i need is in You."